Now you’ll need a Wonga loan just to afford a fish finger butty. Get out before they offer you the gin menu.

01. YOU’VE HAD A LETTER PUBLISHED IN WETHERSPOON NEWS
With no phone signal, the letters page of Wetherspoon News is often your only form of mental stimulation. When you find yourself writing in about how you’re not a fan of the new urinal cakes, it could be time to move on. Or at least take your own magazine in. Ahem.

With no phone signal, the letters page of Wetherspoon News is often your only form of mental stimulation.

02. THE PUB HAS BECOME A TESCO EXPRESS
Yet you’re still drinking there. Such is your attachment to Ye Olde Crown that when it got flogged off to a supermarket chain you vowed to make a boozy stand by downing Kronenbourg in the pet food aisle, all day, every day. Marks all over the upholstery. Now you’ll need a Wonga loan just to afford a fish finger butty. Get out before they offer you the gin menu.

Now you’ll need a Wonga loan just to afford a fish finger butty. Get out before they offer you the gin menu.

03. THE PUB HAS CHANGED BEYOND RECOGNITION

Once upon a time there used to be a jar of rancid pickled eggs on the bar and knife marks all over the upholstery. Now you’ll need a Wonga loan just to afford a fish finger butty. Get out before they offer you the gin menu.

Now you’ll need a Wonga loan just to afford a fish finger butty.

04. THERE’S A PICTURE OF YOU BEHIND THE BAR

Remember gate-crashing the staff Christmas party? They sure do. Maybe you need to start frequenting Costa a bit more instead.

They sure do. Maybe you need to start frequenting Costa a bit more instead.

05. YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THINGS COST

While the bloke behind the bar is totting up two pints of San Miguel and a pack of McCoy’s, you’ve neatly piled up £9.70 in shrapnel on the drip tray. See also: faux-outrage when the price of a pint goes up by 5p annually.

While the bloke behind the bar is totting up two pints of San Miguel and a pack of McCoy’s, you’ve neatly piled up £9.70 in shrapnel on the drip tray.

06. YOU’VE SEEN THE ‘PUB GHOST’

You’ve noticed a mystery woman in a shimmering old-style dress on more than one occasion. Granted, those occasions involved drinking neat rum, but why let that get in the way of a good yarn?

You’ve noticed a mystery woman in a shimmering old-style dress on more than one occasion.

07. YOU HELP OUT WITH ODD JOBS

In the slim hope that the landlord will let you have a sneaky lock-in, you’ve started helping him put the chairs on the tables each night. When he asks if you’re free to scrub the cellar next Saturday, it’s time to find a new boozer.

When he asks if you’re free to scrub the cellar next Saturday, it’s time to find a new boozer.

08. CIDER IS BECOMING ONE OF YOUR ‘FIVE A DAY’
Your idea of a meal out is two bags of crisps spliced open to make a ‘pub salad’ and a pint of nutrient-rich stout. “Meal in a glass, mate…” you say confidently, even though there’s no one else at your table.

“Meal in a glass, mate…” you say confidently, even though there’s no one else at your table.

09. YOU DON’T REMEMBER HOW YOU GOT THERE

One minute you’re picking up a reduced Dr Oetker pizza in Morrisons… three hours and four pints later, you’re in the local playing Deal Or No Deal, alone.

One minute you’re picking up a reduced Dr Oetker pizza in Morrisons…

10. THE BARMAID HAS BECOME INEXPLICABLY ATTRACTIVE

Freud would have had a few things to say about the mysterious sexual prowess possessed by barmaids. Better start drinking somewhere new before you accidentally say, “I love you, Mum” instead of “Pint of Guinness, please.”

Freud would have had a few things to say about the mysterious sexual prowess possessed by barmaids.

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