43 Things All Men Should Do In 2014
Resolutions will not make you a multimillionaire, buy you a Ferrari or even get you a date with Vaani Kapoor. You need something else - something simpler, more followable. May be a cheat sheet for 2014. FHM presents the New Year reckoner with the lovely and hotter-than-hell Vaani Kapoor.
Eat a hybrid dessert – The Cronut
It’s a croissant, it’s a donut... No wait, it’s both. The humble fried American favourite has fornicated with the snooty unpronounceable French croissant to produce a mixed-race hybrid sugary treat called the Cronut. It’s undoubtedly the only dessert worth eating this year. Theobroma, Ellipsis and Trident Bakery in Mumbai, and Chez Nini in Delhi are already ramping their counters with its fried goodness.
Chuck pre-sliced/pre-processed cheese
Indians grate 1,250 crores worth of cheese a year and this gluttony is only growing as much as 20% annually. To make matters even more interesting, Govardhan has become GO to sell Mozzarella, Amul is making Emmental and Auroville’s La Ferm churns out everything from local Gorgonzola to Gruyere along with the lesser known Auroblochon and Lofabu, so expect people around you to deliver passionate discourses about Gouda and Camembert as Indians discover and then go nuts about real cheese. Just not Blue. That still stinks.
Ogle at Vaani Kapoor
Shoulder-length auburn brown hair, a banging hourglass figure, sun-kissed skin, pins till her ears and a perfect derrière – FHM’s description of the perfect woman circa 2010. Miss Kapoor manages to tick the boxes of a perfect woman so perfectly that it’s equal parts scary and sexy, and has sex appeal oozing out of every crevice. Most prominent amongst the things that 2013 failed to deliver on was its inability to turn out fresh eye-candy, barring the rather obvious exception of the lady on your left and right – Miss Vaani Kapoor. The obscenely hot Miss Kapoor starred as the rebound girlfriend in Shuddh Desi Romance. Among other skills that she boasts of is the ability to lie on her back with her legs up in the air for 30 minutes (we discovered this at the shoot) just so we could get the perfect picture of her pins along with her new found love for cronuts and a knack for wearing a basic bra like few have ever worn before.
Read a book which isn’t written by Dan Brown
Yes, Inferno has sold a mind-boggling number of copies, but banana pants were a huge fashion trend too, so there is no telling what people like. It’s time to upgrade your reading from thrillers and half-baked rehashes of Poirot to a well-written masterpiece with a thread of something current, preferably nominated for an award. The Lowland by Jhumpa Lahiri will work just fine.
Pause TV, watch it on your mobile
It is the most natural thing to do, right? As internet speeds improve, you will be able to pause a show on the telly and watch it on the move on your smartphone or tablet. Tata Sky has already launched ‘Everywhere TV’ and we expect others to follow suit.
Learn to make a proper sandwich
A piece of meat between two slices of bread will not fly as a sandwich anymore. Get yourself some lettuce, some sandwich sauce and while you are at it some olives and gherkins as well. There’s nothing on-the-go about the sandwich anymore.
Switch to Honey
It’s fabulous, breaks down your body sugar even when you’re sleeping and fills you with childish freshness. Fine, we added the childish freshness bit, but replacing sugar with honey is the best thing to happen to your health since acai berries.
Go off passwords
Emails, laptop login, FB, Twitter, Instagram, App Store/Google Play, online banking, travel websites and interest-based forums. As websites climb over each other insisting your password have a mix of special characters, numbers and words and then judge simple passwords as weak – it’s clear we are required to remember too many passwords than we realistically can. Which is why the world is moving to biometrics. Your body is your password – laptops are already moving to finger print recognition and so are phones. The iPhone 5S already has it, and Samsung, LG are set to follow soon with and even car manufacturers heralding biometrics as the next big thing.
Go off IPL
It might not happen in India this season as the dates probably conflict with the LS polling dates and there won’t be any cheerleaders. Still, the one person not bothered by IPL team owners and BCCI slugging it out over a new IPL host country is you. Expect IPL 2014’s TRPs to dip even more as you occupy yourself with other worldly worries like choosing India’s new political masters.
Give yourself an old-fashioned shave
No, Gillette did not seduce us with advertising or freebies to write this – but the fact is that most of us have also gone the last couple of years growing and crafting complicated trimming schedules – which is why a shave, even a single one – maybe on a holiday might liven things up a little and make you look like your passport picture. Obviously, even two or three blades will not work on a beard which is why you need the manliest shaves of them all – with an open faced razor not the stuff the kids use.
Give yourself a psych evaluation
Since mental health continues to be a major concern and 2 out of 3 hit TV shows are about a serial killer, it’s time to keep a constant check on how you are feeling. Give yourself a quick Rorschach test on the go, before meetings and dates, with Rorschach watch by Tokyo Pulse. See a pair of doves? All is well. If not, you are screwed. Tokyoflash.com, $199
Take a good selfie – preferably not at a funeral
Yes, women do take better selfies. Maybe it’s the years of pouting for pictures and practicing a fake smiles, maybe it’s because the sharpness you are looking for is not camera-dependent. But is the place where the selfie taken important as well? Yes! Prez Obama could sprint the line between acceptable and unacceptable funeral etiquette, but men don’t take selfies, unless it’s a selfie in exchange for another selfie sext. That rule still remains, but if you find yourself near the Arctic with no one else around to take a picture – go for it!
Drink Soju
Psy and Kim Jong Un’s fake Twitter handles aren’t the only hottest things to come out of Korea. Last year, people drank 65 million units of 9 litre cases of the rice, wheat and barley superstar liquor – Soju by Jinro – more than any other liquor brand in the world. The best way to drink it is like a straight shot, it’s slow to hit but the effects are similar to bhang. Since it’s clear, you can also mix it with beer to make a Soju Bomb or refined cocktail out of Soju, beer and Coke.
Get used to floral prints
FLORAL PRINTS? Really? Yes. It’ll probably be a wise thing not to make fun of the Gujratis now. Gujrat’s national print for men is making global waves. Which means that everything from shirts, blazers to accessories and in some extreme cases, even pants will have prints akin to what Shah Jahan made on the Taj Mahal complete with foliage and all of that! While jackets might be too OTT, it might not be a terrible idea to pick up 1-2 floral shirts to amp up your regular jackets and take it from there.
Get over denims
Yes, they do go with everything. Yes, they also don’t need to be washed everyday. Yes, denims and a jacket are perfectly acceptable boardroom attire now. They say you care, but not too much and you have experience, but are cool. Tragically, the well-meaning and well-serving denim will have to be booted out and replaced, whether you like it or not, (to put it delicately) more coloured threads.
Start shooting with a film camera
Every donkey has a camera – and they don’t even have opposable thumbs – but phone cameras and the abundance of pixels therein have made things worse. Which is why it’s time to switch to a film camera and a Leica M6 is the Holy Grail, or so we hear.
Camp out in the open
Because you should and there really is no good excuse why even at age 30 you haven’t managed to do it even once. Cervical pain is too pansy an excuse for not heading out. You need to be on your own, take a dump in the open and sleep huddled in on a full bladder because you are too scared to go out at night and piss even though what you mistook for a jackal’s mating call was actually just the wind rushing through the pines.
Buy only hyper-local produce
Farmers markets are the new buzzword. Fresh vegetables don’t cut it anymore. The vegetables must be sourced locally, be organic and preferably be grown by someone like yourself – someone who speaks English and Instagrams – and it must not be transported on fleet trucks. The menu should be built around available fresh produce, so what if the carbons emitted to transport New Zealand lamb to London are more than the carbons emitted if the lamb is grown and fattened in England. Those are trifle details. If you don’t buy your vegetables at farmer’s markets, just lie through your teeth.
Throw away instant coffee, buy a stovetop or an espresso machine
With each sip of the horrid synthetic coffee that you pour down your gullet you take one giant stride towards your final appointment with the big man upstairs. Drink something good this year, something brewed and strong enough to put an elephant to sleep. Even if you have to drink it in a cup you have to stick your twinky out in.
Have a Sun-riser
Not as much as Tintin and Snowy or scones and whipped cream, but whiskey is the near perfect accompaniment to scrambled eggs at an early morning breakfast picnic to watch the sun rise from the top of a hill. So sip a whiskey while the sun rises because sundowners are now passé.
Drink only craft beer
Because bottled beer has too much glycerin and in several cases tastes like piss. It isn’t craft or boutique and isn’t limited edition or is sold in a can, it isn’t on your list for this year. As Gurgaon becomes the capital of craft beer, Pune, Bengaluru and Mumbai join the trend too, and there is no doubt that India is producing some really good local beer. What is also true is that some of the microbreweries are producing beer that tastes like old water, costs as much as a car tyre and is still raved about on Twitter.
Come up with at least one original recipe
Burnt toast with premix strawberry oats does not count. Try something unusual with a chicken, burn a couple of pans and come up with something smashing. Or just get yourself A Married Man’s Guide to Creative Cooking and rip something off from there.
Wake up early
A huge bunch of successful people woke up really early, like as early as 4.30-5 am – Forbes claims that they manage to get most of their life sorted before 8 am and Inc. Magazine insists morning people are more productive and proactive – and we aren’t down to arguing. So this is what you do – wake up early and finish off the most useless, annoying piece of work on your plate first thing. This will not ruin your day, but will fill you with a false sense of achievement for the usually dull ride to work.
Get used to faster Internet
Even as calls drop by the dozen, 3G limps and coughs as it loads your Twitter timeline and the Govt continues to keep its head wedged into making 2G a success – 4G is already here. Airtel has already launched 4G in some states and Reliance is threatening to follow suit, which could just mean one thing – the free Bangbros clips you see will now load twice as fast.
Dust off your father’s Double-Breasted Blazer
The Captain is back! Well, he’s not, but what the hell. The double-breasted blazer is undergoing a revival on a scale never imagined before. That doesn’t mean you can pick up one with flaps that could be used to cover a MIG 21. Instead, take your father’s blazer to the tailor and ask him to keep taking it in till the time it fits you halfway up the ass and is cosy around the waist.
Stop thinking about sheep when you sleep
An Oxford University study has discovered that people who went to sleep imagining calm things like waterfalls etc fell asleep 20 mins before those who were thinking about sheep. Ergo, think about waterfalls to put you to sleep now. The only trouble is – do you know another thing that waterfalls trigger? A sudden urge to pee.
Make a phone call from a flight
The Yanks have already started testing new technology that makes it possible to make phone calls in-flight and budget airlines sense a big new opportunity here – they can allow in-flight phone calls and then charge extra to make you sit in an area where people aren’t making phone calls. Add to this the fact that no studies have been able to authoritatively establish that mobile signals actually interfere with terrestrial navigation systems of planes, and the case is ripe for you to spend two hours from Delhi-Bombay sitting next to a lady discussing her cheating boyfriend on a call with her bestie.
Throw out your wayfarers
After at least half a decade of channelising Buddy Holly each time you put on a pair of horn-rimmed wayfarers to cover-up hangovers and to go with everything from suits to beachwear, the wayfarers are finally done. True, any sunglasses you’ll wear this year will be rehashed retro pairs, but it’s flat topped aviators and even round rimmed sunglasses worn by John Lennon and Elton John.
Take bread to the next level
For some inexplicable reason, most of the world’s health problems have become dependent on one problem – gluten and in turn, wheat. There has never been as much pressure on you to give up wheat as right now. Which is precisely why you shouldn’t. Bread, brownies, morning cereal, even soya sauce, vodka and whiskey all have gluten in it – yes, even the Cronut the lady on the first page is saucily biting into.
Take longer lay-overs
It’s acceptable. As the rupee falls to new, embarrassing depths and appraisals become a passed-over trend. the one very effective way of travelling the world is to make your layovers count. Book a ticket to KL via a stopover in Colombo or take a flight to Amsterdam that goes through Moscow. Then check your luggage into a locker, get out of the terminal and make the day count.
Not buy Google Glasses or Samsung Gear
Even though wearable tech is being hard sold as the tech of the now rather than the future, the air of social awkwardness it brings with it can’t be denied. Which is why the Google Glass or the Samsung Gear and the iWatch will not be as immensely successful as Steve Job’s ghost would have imagined.
Get a petrol car
As the government goes about its attempt to align the prices of diesel and petrol, for the first time in 4-5 years you will really analyse whether paying more money for a car with a diesel-fuelled heart is worth it.
Go off American TV, watch Brit TV instead
Sherlock is back! That however isn’t the only reason to switch to British Telly though. After decades, finally Brits are producing shows that are worshipped more than their cross-Atlantic cousins. Sherlock beats its rival Holmes hollow across in the US, while Luther beats the stuffing out of and then into Dexter. Plus, Californication anyway takes its final bow in April and then Mad Men sends out seven out of its last 14 episodes. This could mean just one thing – the men who invented the dandy could be solely responsible for addictive manly TV in 2014.
You won’t use polling day to extend your vacation
Blame opinion polls, anger amongst the people, the need for a change or a pressure to Instagram marked index fingers, but there will be more Indians voting in the coming elections than ever before.
High intensity interval workouts
Studies say intense activity that alternates between periods of less intense activity or complete rest is a more successful gut-buster and stamina builder. For instance, run as fast as you can for one minute and then walk for 2 minutes. Repeat. The logic is that intense exercise kicks your body into hypergear and then pushes it into the repair cycle, which means you will continue to lose weight even after you stop exercising.
You’ll buy a Compact Luxury Sedan
Even though the true love of your life remains a compact SUV, 2014 is about to present some rather interesting temptations. 2014 will see the launch of CLS by the three wise men of the automotive world. The Audi A3, BMW 2 Series and Merc CLA – all with boots and all within 25 lakhs will hit the market.
Go to South America
Do you know what Brazilians call The Brazilian Wax in Brazil? Hitler’s! Just a small piece of advice if in fact, you are thinking about heading to Brazil or Latin America this year. Tragically, if you’re booking or looking up tickets after reading this, you should know it’s going to cost you a kidney and half of your liver. If you have bought your tickets already though – it would be criminal not to extend your trip and stay back – after all this is the continent with more Victoria’s Secret models than anywhere else on the globe.
Buy an X-Box, become an alpha nerd
You’ll be able to make Skype calls with an X-Box and MS is fairly confident an X-Box would make the PC redundant. On the other end, PS4 is going even deeper into the realm of videogame nerds, while it scoffs at the X-Box for being mainstream. So while the rest of your gang talks about Black Ops, you will be the one who talks about Black Ops and have a GF.
Start and finish that log cabin in the hills
Yes, the one you want to do up all by yourself starting from the construction map down to the layout and the interiors. That’s not going to happen though, so get a professional and a dependable contractor and make sure you have it ready for entertaining ladies by Dec 31st 2014.
Give up on that frequent flyer card
As more and more companies go off full-service airlines citing budget crunches and what not, your frequent flyer cards will continue to squat over valuable wallet real estate.
It’ll be the year of football, not cricket
For one, it’s the Football World Cup next year, Sachin has retired, and plus, the Indian team will take some time getting over the horrors inflicted on them last month by the Proteas. So even if you have no clue why Gareth Bale and Cristiano Ronaldo are wearing different jerseys – it doesn’t matter – 2014 is all about football, and Brazil.
From the January 2014 issue of FHM India.
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