A Desi’s Complete Guide to the EPL

WSJ said Indians were supporting Netherlands in the world cup finals because we liked Orange better than the maroon the Spaniards play in. There were of course other geniuses who pegged Australia as the most likely to win the World Cup after Brazil (I think they got the sport wrong).

Despite the fact that we have some 2.5 million Manchester United supporters in India, beginning this month most of us will go to pubs look at a screen and appear to be interested. This one is for you non-believers.

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Arsenal

Arsenal, a bloated North London outfit that likes to call itself “Gunners”. The only thing that they’ve managed to gun down is their feet, They’ve been searching long and hard for their 1st Premiership title since god knows how long!

Beach balls

Beach balls. Try and utter that word in front of a die-hard Scouser (Liverpool fan). If you’re still alive after five minutes, you will know why beach balls are the most hated things across Merseyside. In a disastrous week for Liverpool in last October, a Darren Bent strike deflected freakishly off a beach ball, beating Pepe Reina all ends up, and securing Sunderland a 1-0 victory over Liverpool. By virtue of that victory, Sunderland bounced above Liverpool in the table for the first time – like a beach ball.

Chelsea

Chelsea, comprises of a bunch of underachievers who always threatened to challenge the Big Three - Manchester United, Arsenal, and Liverpool - but always fell short at the final hurdle, appearing almost half dead at the end of any season. Until one fine day a Russian billionaire gave them CPR, and Mourinho rallied the troops, and the Big Three suddenly became the Big Four. And the number of clubs in contention for the title from London rose to... One -- not counting, the Gunners, of course.

Everton

…making up for the Blue side of Mersey, has not won the title in over two decades. As long as they do the double over the Scousers every season, who needs the title?!

Forlan

Forlan. Diego Forlan. The ex-Manchester United flop turned into a major FIFA World Cup 2010 spectacle, at the age of 31. A case of Uruguayan wine maturing with age. Everyone wants a taste of it as the talisman striker’s facing fresh courtship from some Premiership big-wigs. But will he bite the bullet?

Giggs

Since his debut for United in March 1991, this Welshman has accumulated more silverware than the Queen’s royal treasury. He is now United’s most-capped player and for an attacking winger shows no sign of retiring even at 37. Some guys have all the luck -- and the trophies!

Hodgson

After the whiny Spaniard (re: Rafa Benitez) abandoned Liverpool’s sinking ship at the end of last season, Roy Hodgson took it upon himself to turn Liverpool’s fortunes around. With the current crop of players assembled at Anfield -- with total disrespect to Gerrard and Torres -- he has to be barking mad!

Indian

Michael Chopra’s about the only “Indian” ever to grace the English Premier League -- and even he’s not a pukka desi -- mum’s British. He has been as successful in football as Kal Penn has been in Hollywood, nuff said.

King Eric

Le King. In the post-Busby era, Old Trafford found its first true icon in Eric Cantona, the French talisman. Not even Bryan Robson or Steve Bruce came close to matching the French striker’s aura and brilliance on pitch -- little wonder (Dunno where we’re going with this, so I’ll stop.)

Lennon

When Aaron Lennon swayed under the weight of expectations -- as did much of the English Team in this summer’s World Cup. The world saw as the English failed to swim the channel -- but when all hope seemed to be lost James Milner rose to the occasion. Just 24, this Aston Villa right-winger is one for the future, with an impressive eye for long, swirling crosses into the penalty box that leaves defenders scrambling for clearance. Meanwhile, Lennon can’t run past a toddler for all his worth.

Liverpool

All we have to say about Liverpool is this: they were a great side in the late ‘70s and ‘80s, and they’re stuck in a rut. The quickest way they can win the title is by stealing it from the FA’s or Chelsea’s office. An absolute bunch of losers! Underachievers extraordinaire!

Manchester United

Manchester United. The club’s somewhat of a juggernaut since the early ‘90s, and Fergie has long delivered on his word (when he took over from Big Ron back in 1986) to “knock Liverpool off their fucking perch” and how! But the club’s also in a big load of shit right now, carrying a debt of GBP 1.1 billion at last count -- but then which big Premiership club (apart from Chelsea which is rolling in rubles) isn’t?

Nike

Nike is the official supplier of footballs used in the English Premier League games. Will Adidas ever manage to woo the FA over to their side any time soon? Seeing how their controversial Jabulani World Cup ball was more like a loose cannon than a sniper rifle, We think it may take a while. A long while.

Ole Ole Ole

Ole Ole Ole. The ultimate football anthem. Heard at stadia across the world. Chumbawumba’s 1998 Top of World take on the ditty became the UK’s World Cup song in 1998.

Premier League

Premier League. UK’s top footie competition, Americans shouldn’t be allowed into. It’s football, not soccer for god’s sake. The seasons run from August to May, with over 380 matches played. Is now called the Barclays Premier League ever since the bank took over as the primary sponsor.

Queue

Queue the one thing the Brits and you will be doing more than the football. First at the beer tap and then at the pee-hole

Roy Keane

Roy Keane played for Ireland and Ipswich and was noted for his aggressive game and fiery temper. It was he who was responsible for the phrase ‘prawn sandwich brigade’ a term used to describe fans who are not too vocal in their support. Keane felt that certain sections of the crowd were not vocal enough in the support against Dynamo Kiev, a fact he attributed to too many drinks and prawn sandwiches. He’s perhaps most famous for his tirade against Mick McArthy , the Irish team manager ahead of the 2002 FIFA WC. This ultimately led to his dismissal from the squad.

Shearer

Alan Shearer, a Newcastle native is considered one of the greatest English strikers of all time and holds the Newcastle and League record for goals scored (260). In 1996, he moved to Newcastle United for a record £15 million where he spent the remainder of his career He captained in 1996 he retired in 2000 having appeared 63 times for England.

Tottenham

Tottenham Hotspurs, has a long string of firsts to its name. They were the first club in the last century to achieve the League and FA Cup Double in 1960-61. They went on to become the first club to win the European Cup’s Winners’ Cup. In the 70s they became the first Brit club to win two major European trophies. A series of other achievements makes them one of two clubs to win a major trophy in each of the last 6 decades, the other is Manchester United of course.

United

United, possibly the most popular suffix in the EPL. Though almost synonymous with Manchester United, other clubs that ride the U boat include Leeds, Sheffield, Newcastle and West Ham.

Victoria Beckham

Victoria Beckham, Queen of the WAGs who’ll be missing the EPL. The former pop diva has gone on to design her own fashion line, cut solo albums and stay a paparazzi favourite, on whatever continent she is with and without taking her kit off and being splashed across trashy magazines (knickers optional) like the WAGs speaking of which...

WAGs

WAGs or the Wives and Girlfriends of the footballers. The standard WAG checklist reads a little like this: fake hair, fake tans, fake nails, fake...you get the drift. While their significant others are busy racking up the millions on the field, the WAGs are most likely to be found in packs hunting for photo ops at the most expensive brunches, designer stores and fashion show front rows.

Winter

Winter. Snow. Balls-freezingly cold weather and we expect the players to man-the-fuck-up and kick their balls around? Not fair. Quite a few European leagues enforce a winter break -- should the Premiership also hibernate in the biting cold? Hey, but that will result in so much revenue loss! Freezing them balls off don’t seem too bad. Does it?

X Factor

X factor, the show on which former WAG Cheryl Tweedy Cole was a guest judge. While Ashley Cole is gaining notoriety for his numerous flings, drunken behaviour and a text during the World Cup in which he said he ‘hated the people of England.’ Cheryl on the other hand is known for racist remarks and assaulting a rest room attendant. Though it would seem like a match made in heaven, the couple are no longer together.

Yellow cards

This WC Yellow cards were being handed out like condoms. Would EPL match up?

Zola

Gianfranco Zola He might have been capped 35 times for Italy and the Football Writers’ Player of the Year in 1997 but 2010 was far from happy for Zola. His run as manager of West Ham resulted in the Hammers with a point haul of 35 in 2009-10 and a spot near the bottom of the table. Blame it on the new management or his lack of experience but he was replaced last month by Thomas Hitzsperger. Sigh!

From the August 2010 issue of FHM India.