A Man’s Guide To Travel

Everything you need to know about journeying like an absolute champ – whether by plane, train, boat or automobile.

99 problems but a hitch ain’t one

Want to travel exotic lands without dropping two months’ wages? Follow the example of Germany’s Craig Antweiler, who travelled across Asia with his little brother Dario, using nothing but his thumb.

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Hi Craig. What exactly did your journey entail?

Following our mantra ‘Asia from west to east’, we started at the Bosphorus in Istanbul, Turkey, sneaked into Iraqi Kurdistan, then crossed into Iran, Thailand and Malaysia. We hitch-hiked roughly 5,000 miles finishing up in Shah Alam, Malaysia.

That’s a looong way. Why hitchhike?

Because we met people we’d never have met on a normal holiday trip. Every lift we took we’d be in a different universe, hearing a new life story – people from all walks of life. Hitchhiking is unpredictable, and I love the unpredictable.

How many car-rides did you take in all?

We had 107 lifts in total, including one lift on a tail-boat in Bangkok, one police-car lift, some motorcycle lifts, and countless pick-up trucks.

Craig Antweiler’s hitchhiking tips

• “Learn some words (or, jokes) in the local language. When you hitchhike, you’re paying with entertainment. You listen, sing along and help change tyres.”
• “Understand your environment. A thumbs-up in Iran is the same as giving someone the finger.”
• “Standing by the road with your thumb up is not a good idea. In developed countries, your best bet is face-to-face at gas pumps.”

Love at 69kmph

Sex-and-seduction expert Tracey Cox reveals how to woo a co-passenger who’s caught your eye.

Long-haul flight: Ply her with alcohol and loosen those inhibitions! Look after her: help with her bags, offer to swap seats – anything gentlemanly goes a long way. Use ‘we’ and ‘us’ – words that suggest the pair of you are already linked. FHM’s big no-no: DON’T keep winking and nudging and gesturing over at the toilets (until you’re both on at least your fifth gin…).

60-minute train journey: Make eye contact, smile, and see if she looks back within 30 seconds. If not, forget it. The friendlier the better: forget playing the cool, mysterious stranger. Get a compliment in, and make it specific: ‘Your smile is amazing!’ not, ‘You’re hot!’ FHM’s big no-no: DON’T sit near pissed-up away-game fans.

Four-stop bus journey: Grin, and strike up a conversation about anything. Make her laugh! If you’re not local, ask for a bar she’d recommend – even if she doesn’t agree to a date, she may be there later… Give her your number and beg her to call. Do it with humour and you might get lucky!

Confessions of an air hostess

What seething resentments and tricky secrets lurk behind those happy-to-help smiles? FHM pulls back the little blue curtain and speaks to a cabin-crew veteran with over a decade’s experience flying with three major airlines

Do cabin-crew find it weird that some passengers use flying as an excuse to get pissed?

Absolutely weird. Holidaymakers want to start their holiday on the flight by getting drunk, while others just use the fact that they’re not going anywhere for a while as a reason to get wasted. I can’t think of anything worse than getting to your destination hammered…

Is there a limit to the amount of booze you’re allowed to serve to people?

When the alcohol is ‘free’ on a flight you can limit it better than when people are actually paying for it, but either way, there are ways around it. One trick is to endlessly delay serving a passenger; another is to just put a bit of the alcohol around the rim of the glass, so they smell it. But you’re never allowed to accuse a passenger of being ‘drunk’ – you have to say they’re just ‘tired and emotional’.

Is there any way of getting an upgrade once you’re actually on the plane? Some secret code-word, perhaps?

Those days are long gone unfortunately. Being on your honeymoon doesn’t help anymore.

During crazy turbulence, cabin crew always seem totally calm – are you ever secretly thinking, “Oh my Christ, we’re all gonna die”?

You do get turbulence that really worries you. The worst ones I’ve had have been over India during the monsoon season. They can be bad. I worked with one girl who always used to go missing during turbulence – she’d strap herself in each time, absolutely terrified. She only flew for a short time.

Who’s the worst passenger you’ve ever had?

Oh, wow – too many. There’s nearly always one who takes it too far. The only way I’ve lasted in the job so long is by letting the uniform take the abuse.

And the best passenger?

The ones who sleep the whole way [laughs].

How to fart on a plane (and other travel manners)

Modern Manners Guy’s weekly column is trusted by thousands. Here are his exclusive responses to FHM’s travellin’ queries.

Chatty stranger: I’ve just sat down on a train, and the stranger opposite has started chatting to me. How do I make them stop? Pop in headphones and shut your eyes, like you’re taking a nap. Done. After a bit, you can take out your book (or whatever) and read – but the initial ‘acting’ is the best way to secure privacy. If they don’t take the hint, really ‘focus’ on what you’re reading: squint your eyes, throw in a nod of agreement, as if this is what you’ve been waiting to read for decades…

Armrest war: Dear Modern Manners Guy, how do I claim the armrest on a flight? There’s a first come, first served rule when it comes to the armrest. Putting your elbow at the top or bottom says, “I am a good sharer”; the middle says, “Think again buddy, there’s not a shot in hell you’re getting this armrest!”

Dribbly snoozer: the guy next to me on the coach has fallen asleep on me and is dribbling on my shoulder. Help. Wake him up. It may seem weird or rude, but not when that person is on top of you. They clearly lack proper manners if they’re sleeping on you like you’re their childhood teddy bear.

Urgent fart: I’m on a long-haul flight, and I really need to fart. Can I quietly parp it into my seat? When in doubt, let it out – within reason. Just be prepared to apologise if it’s loud. A simple, “Excuse me” will do – there’s no need for, “Oh man, those nachos are really getting to me!” Nobody cares. Trust me.

Anatomy of an upgrade

It may no longer be possible to score an upgrade to First Class once you’re actually on a flight – but you can still swing one at the check-in desk, and earn yourself a giant seat, free bubbly and a fancy dinner. LonelyPlanet.com editor Tom Hall gives us the lowdown on getting bumped-up…

• Turn on the charm: “Be friendly, polite, and display a great sense of humour to all the ground staff.”
• Appeal to charity: “I once got upgraded because I was chatting to the ground staff and told them I’d just cycled 1,000 miles across Africa for charity.”
• Look sharp: “Dressing smart really does help. They don’t want to put some scruffbag in Crocs into business class.”
• Avoid lies: “I have heard of the ‘It’s our honeymoon!’ routine working. But if you tell a porky, the bad karma might doom your flight to get struck by lightning or something…”
• Dawdle: “Arrive very late and – in theory – if all the seats in economy are taken, you’ll have to be upgraded to business class.”
• Fly regularly: “The most surefire way of getting an upgrade is to go online and join the airline’s frequentflyer scheme.”
• Play for sympathy: “Trying asking – politely – to have ‘SFU’ [suitable for upgrade] marked onto your ticket. Why might they? If you’re injured, 8ft tall, or have back problems…”

The science of the skies

FHM pulls on its lab coat and peers at air-travel through the microscope of inquisitiveness.

Why does booze get you more pissed at 10,000ft?

It doesn’t. “Your body reacts to alcohol the same way as it does on the ground,” explains Dr Bhushan Kapur of the University of Toronto. “The change in pressure and oxygen levels can lead you to feel like you’re drunk,” he continues, “but the main reason is people on planes tend to drink stronger spirits at a quicker rate.”

Why don’t your tastebuds work in the air?

It’s all down to the white noise and air pressure. “The thin, dry air affects your taste receptors,” says Marion Nestle, Professor of Food Studies at New York University, while a Universty of Manchester study found that the louder a background buzz, the less perceptive your tastebuds.

Jet-lag – what is it, and how do I make it stop?

“Jet lag is when your body clock isn’t running at the same time as local time,” explains Dr Chris Idzikowski of the Edinburgh Sleep Centre. “People flying west take a day to adjust for every hour time-difference; people flying east take one-and-a-half-days per hour difference.” To minimise jet-lag, alter your sleep pattern before flying: avoid light at the time people go to bed at your destination; wake up and expose yourself to light at the time they wake up. “Light is one of the main body-clock cues.”

Illustration by Rob Flowers.

From the September 2012 issue of FHM India.