Essential Life-Lessons From Football
Want to become rich, smart, successful and contented? Thirteen lessons from the wonderful world of footie, from American Samoa and Joey Barton to Roman Abramovich’s sheep.
Look, football is life. There’s no two ways about it. More than just a game, it’s a blueprint that, if followed, can guarantee you success and keep you from early death.
Forget self-help books, five-year plans or pearls of invaluable wisdom whispered by elderly relatives from their death beds – if you really want to do well in this life, you need to follow the examples set by those working in the noble field of professional football. Don’t believe us? Look and learn…
No. 1 Never give up
As demonstrated by: American Samoa
The piddliest of international footballing piddles, they endured a series of soul-destroying defeats, losing every one of their first 30 matches (from 1994 to 2011) including a 31-0 battering at the hands of Australia. Along the way they scored 12 goals and conceded 229, but in November 2011, they finally pulled off a 2-1 win against Tonga – although it’s still their only victory to date.
Apply it to your life: There’s a lot to be said for plugging away and never knowing you’re beaten. So Shakira has steadfastly failed to respond to the first 647 emails you’ve sent her. Have faith: email number 648 – with that jpeg of you wearing nothing but a wink, a smile and a bobble hat – will definitely rouse her interest.
No. 2 Get yourself educated
As demonstrated by: Football’s brightest, Joey Barton
Once upon a long ago, Joey was football’s wild stallion, getting into fights and prodding a cigar into the eyeball of a young player. But Joey’s got that little bit older, and that little bit wiser.
Nowadays, he’s more likely to be quoting Nietzsche and whistling the tunes of The Smiths than he is to be punching someone outside a nightclub. Luckily, with a 12-game ban kicking in, he’ll have bags of time to watch Bournvita Quiz Contest and swot up on random subjects on Wikipedia.
Apply it to your life: Start using long words and quoting obscure playwrights and there’s a strong chance that everyone who knows you will suspect that you have turned into a complete idiot – but an impressively educated fool nonetheless.
No. 3 Don’t do things on the cheap
As demonstrated by: Doncaster Rovers
Seemingly bored of surviving in the Championship, they decided to try something different in 2011. Namely, getting a load of fading stars in on short-term contracts, with a view to selling them on while hopefully thriving in the league. This ‘shop window’ policy was an unmitigated disaster, with a series of disinterested performances from their ‘star names’ like El Hadji Diouf and Pascal Chimbonda. The team was relegated to League One, bumming the fans out at the end of the season.
Apply it to your life: If you buy a classic car Doncaster-style, you’ll end up with a cut-and-shut from a bloke down the pub. You’ve got a will, right?
No. 4 Make friends with your enemies, or kill them
As demonstrated by: Patrick Vieira and Roy Keane
They’re the perfect example of the old Sicilian saying above (or maybe it’s just something we heard on an episode of The Sopranos). The midfielders were avowed foes while at Arsenal and Manchester United respectively, sniping at each other in the press, on the pitch and, famously, in the cramped tunnel of Highbury in 2005. Come summer 2012, all that pent-up aggression had evaporated, with the duo buddying up on some ugly patio furniture as part of ITV’s team of Euro 2012 pundits. They were even outed as having shared an ice cream together by their colleague Gareth Southgate, who must now be fearing for his life as a result.
Apply it to your life: Why not befriend your girlfriend’s most recent ex? You’ll look like a strong, mature type who isn’t affected by what’s happened in the past.
No. 5 Two heads are better than one
As demonstrated by: Brian Clough and Peter Taylor
Arguably the greatest managerial duo in British football history, they hauled an unfashionable team to the league championship not once, but twice in the 1970s. First with Derby and then Nottingham Forest.
But when they were apart it wasn’t so good. Taylor didn’t follow Clough to Leeds in 1974 and the gobby boss lasted just 44 days. The pair later fell out for good when Taylor came out of retirement to go back to Derby and manage them on his own. Taylor’s death in 1990 rocked Clough to his core, sparking a decline in his health and managerial ability.
Apply it to your life: It’s good to acknowledge that you’re not always right and that you’ll reap the benefits that come from working in tandem with someone that you trust. A wise, reliable wingman is worth his weight in gold – or, in Clough and Taylor’s case, worth his weight in fags and whisky.
No. 6 Never settle for second best
As demonstrated by: Sheffield United
Back in 1978, Argentina had just won the World Cup and a smattering of foreign footballers were signing for British clubs.
Young Diego Maradona was dangled in front of the bosses at second division Sheffield United, but the £4,00,000 (₹ 35,680,128) price tag made their eyes water. Instead, they opted for the less talented Alex Sabella and, a couple of years later, they were in the fourth division.
Apply it to your life: Y’know that Blu-ray player you got in the supermarket for a tenner? The one that sounds like a Republic Day air show flying-by once you’re 20 minutes into a film? Exactly. As your nan will tell you: “Y’buy cheap, y’buy twice.”
No. 7 Sack it all off and find God
As demonstrated by: Peter Knowles
The talented Wolves midfielder stopped a burgeoning career in its tracks when he discovered the ways of God. Knowles was just 23 when he called time on his career and became a Jehovah’s Witness instead. While the player’s beliefs were strong, Wolves held out hope that he would repent and come back, holding on to his registration until 1982, when Knowles was 38.
Apply it to your life: Go the whole hog and train to become a priest or a monk. At least you’ll get a roof over your head and some nuns to look after you.
No. 8 Play hardball to get what you want
As demonstrated by: Wayne Rooney
The idol of Manchester United fans briefly became their number one villain two years ago. Rooney announced that he wouldn’t be signing a new deal with the club, sparking transfer rumours and mumblings that the bull-necked Scouser was a traitor.
Astonishingly, two days later, Rooney was photographed grinning with King Ferguson, having penned a new deal with United. It was a supreme display of brinkmanship which led to a pretty tidy £30,000-a-week pay-rise (putting Rooney on £130,000 a week). But have United fans forgiven and forgotten? We’re not sure…
Apply it to your life: March over to your boss in the car park at 8.30am, lift him up, on to his bonnet, and tell him if you don’t get a 20% rise, you’re off to your employer’s bigger, better rival. Sorted! Don’t forget that you’re entitled to one phone call when they take you down the station…
No. 9 Reinvent yourself
As demonstrated by: Cardiff City
The club’s Malaysian owners decided that blue is a sh*t colour and that red is much better, before they announced they were going to change the team’s kit colour and get a new badge!
The fans disagreed and kicked up a stink, which led to a U-turn from the Malaysians. Then, they did another U-turn.
The result? Cardiff will now be playing in red this season.
Apply it to your life: Your choices are endless: get a new haircut, start wearing pink, join a book group, spend your time hanging out in the bar at an expensive gym. All perfectly valid reasons why you should just go the whole hog and start again in another town.
No. 10 Never be afraid to cry
As demonstrated by: Jong Tae-Se
Gazza is probably the most famous culprit, but the hardcore cry-babies are the ones who do it repeatedly. We’re talking about Cristiano Ronaldo and William Gallas, both of whom aren’t afraid to spurt salty water from their eye sockets when defeat blights their paths.
Mind you, neither of them can touch North Korean striker Jong Tae-Se, who lost the plot and bawled throughout his national anthem BEFORE the match against Brazil in the 2010 World Cup. We’re tearing up just from thinking about it.
Apply it to your life: If your team is relegated or if they lose in the Champions League final, it’s fine to cry. If you’re sobbing after a 1-1 draw at home to Charlton Athletic, look at your decision-making.
No. 11 Reward loyalty & success
As demonstrated by: Roman Abramovich
The Russian oligarch didn’t take control of Chelsea FC on his own. He had help, courtesy of his trusted sidekick and fellow billionaire Eugene Shvidler. As a thank you, Abramovich bought Shvidler a £75 million (₹ 6,67,87,72,500) yacht. Oh, and some sheep. While visiting a friend in Scotland, Shvidler liked the look of his sheep. “They had a special-shaped head,” he said. Fast forward to Shvidler’s 45th birthday party at his château – there’s a knock at the door and in wanders a flock of said sheep, courtesy of Abramovich. “They’d eaten everything in half an hour,” said Shvidler.
Apply it to your life: Turn the system of ‘mates rates’ on its head. If your best friend decorates your house for you, don’t give him the agreed ₹ 9000 – pay for both of you to spend a weekend at a luxury spa. Totally normal.
No. 12 Don’t be scared to issue a threat or two
As demonstrated by: Fans of Argentine club Instituto
The club’s fans became somewhat displeased by their team’s run of performances back in May and opted for some renegade-style motivation. After their beloved boys dropped out of the top two, Los Ranchos (a splinter cell of the club’s hardcore supporters) intercepted the team bus on its way back from a match.
They told the Instituto players that there was a bullet for all of them and that “we will kill you all if you don’t give us promotion”.
Although promotion wasn’t achieved at the end of the season, there have been no reports of any casualties from the Instituto squad.
No. 13 Swap all your friends for new ones
As demonstrated by: Paul Merson
Now a popular TV pundit and all-round winner, life wasn’t always a bed of roses for ‘Merse’, who came out of the closet marked ‘alcohol and gambling addicts’ while at Arsenal in 1994. Four years later, he was plying his trade and trying to stay clean at Middlesbrough. But Merson wasn’t comfortable in Teesside and made it clear that he needed a change of scenery, citing the existence of a drinking-and-gambling culture at the club. A transfer to Aston Villa came out of the blue and Merson is still winning at life today (current 14-month driving ban for drunk-driving notwithstanding).
Apply it to your life: So your mates are a bunch of unfunny losers who are forever talking you into making unwinnable bets. Well, maybe YOU’RE the problem.
From the December 2012 issue of FHM India.
Spotted a mistake, or your photo used without permission? Report a correction
in your inbox