Fashion Fools: 10 Looks to Avoid This A/W

It takes more than nice clothes to get noticed at Delhi Fashion Week. It takes a certain sort of twat. Here are nine style stereotypes that you should swerve clear of this season (and one to hunt down like a shark…)

1 The Resentful Older Model

Hoovered up by the industry pre-puberty, ground down to a white powder, then spat out the other end: the fashion world’s equivalent of a MILF. With catalogue work beckoning, and younger models already taking her place (tragically, not as fast as we hope though). The last vestiges of her once charmed life – i.e. single-nosedly keeping Colombia on the map. But come on: she is 37 now. What did she expect?

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2 The High Fashionista

AKA the woman who was left alone to play with dollies with a doll-house the size of a regular house. Mental, possibly drunk and possibly menopausal. You’ll spot her because she’s dressed for nuclear holocaust. When she’ll set up a toy factory with all the plastic she’s had injected into her forehead. Or is she a Nazi florist? No one really knows – these are all ‘statement’ outfits, made at her lavish home on What The Shit Farms. We defy from looking at her without circus music playing in your head.

3 The Granite-Dumb Male Model

A jawline that could plane wood. Biceps like a condom full of walnuts. Abs that, if tapped with a mallet, would resonate like a xylophone. And, instead of a brain, a small scrap of paper with a drawing of a brain. Because while every female is flocking to chat to him, we know that God has evened things up – Mr Model has some other persuits on his mind...like menswear designers who will give him a break.

4 The ‘It’ Girl

Yes, they still exist. And yes, still no one can work out what they’re actually for, or discern any worthwhile contribution to society. Liz Hurley came first, but these days it’s the anonymous likes of that girl who runs the eccentric fashion store in Mumbai. Or clothes-horse-du-jours and socialite women known for not much in particular who can rely on a steady supply of champagne, front row seats and fawning sycophancy wherever her pipecleaner-thin legs doth take her. But wait… who’s that behind her? It’s the ‘Not So It Girl’. Come on – who invited dumpy to fashion week then?

5 The Check-Me-Outs

You can’t miss them (try as you might): the rampaging herd of try-hard fashion students, ruthlessly determined to get noticed. By anybody. Hence their ‘edgy’ creations: lamé dungarees, stilts, barbed wire underwear, plate-sized brooches and 15 different haircuts. On the same person. In short: a bigger pile of useless drugged-up minges you’d be hard pushed to find outside of the bins at a hysterectomy clinic.

6 The Pro Queen

Single-handedly bitch-slapping gay rights back about three decades, this braying, squawking, overacting gent insisting on bragging about his sexuality usually only exists in reality TV except for fashion parties. It’s the only place where despite his obnoxious spite and end-of-the-pier innuendo, he’s somehow tolerated. Need a bitchy comment? Quick – prod him with the stick. “Oooh! Somebody got a lipo-suction! Eh? Eh?”

Good monkey!

7 The Rapey Photographer

In the real world, sex offenders are identifiable from their dirty macs, or perhaps a skull cap.

Not in the fashion world: here they wear check shirts and expensive trainers, have surnames for first names (Singh etc), and hold cameras with a leery expression and a knack for hooting at fashion front row. Vulnerable young models are their prey; a “private photo session at my studio” is their tactic. But that is most certainly not a ‘telephoto lens’.

8 The Artist

Invited to be part of the ‘scene’, because – hey – it’s one big creative melting pot, yah? Dressed predictably in linen pants and chappals, he’s still adopting the ‘art student party’ technique: first pretending it’s all just another dull rigmarole to be endured and then picking up a glass of wine and spending the rest of the evening dispensing advice on the upcoming Indian artists.

Either that, or he’s just injected another half-ounce of heroin directly into his scrotum.

9 La Grande Dame

Snatched from their penthouse, scared and confused, and wheeled out for the press: the actual owner of the fashion empire. Ancient, shrivelled and forced out by cutthroat investors, yes – but she’s still the glamorous relic of a more sophisticated era.

One of champagne parties with Yves St Laurent and a young Rohit Bal, yachting with Coco Chanel, wine lunches to set up fashion schools and… hang on. What’s that smell? Ummm...Oh. Shushh.

10 The Naïve Young Model

Christ – won’t someone look after her? Willowy, wide-eyed and worryingly suggestible, she’s the fresh meat in the fashion grinder. The latest rake-thin, barely pubescent ingénue who designers are clamouring to cover in their garments. And, of course, nut guts. Hence her bewildered, apprehensive smile: she’s just spent a degrading afternoon being photographed licking an enormous orange for ‘artistic’ reasons no one on the photoshoot could fully explain.

*Fashion-speak for Autumn/Winter, aka ‘when it begins to get a bit cold’

From the October 2010 issue of FHM India.