Give distractions a pass this IPL

Foolproof your IPL month, so there’s no such thing as even a hint of interruption.

It’s the season of cricket. The World Cup’s over and it’s time for IPL now. If you’re anything like us you already have the scheme of all IPL match fixtures and detailed time-table stuck to your wall, both at home and office. There’s no bit of distraction that’s worth compromising the game for, so make sure you have a strategic plan ready to get rid of anything that comes in the way. Remember all’s fair in/for love and cricket.

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Plan ahead for weekdays

Gone are the days when cricket commentary was exciting over the radio. Getting feeds for a T20 match auditorily or from the newest App on your phone makes absolutely no sense, lest you want to die of suspense and score board fluctuations worse than the stock market of a fiscally depressed nation on the verge of a zombie apocalypse. BCCI has been considerate enough to schedule most matches out of the total 60 at 8 PM. Few have been timed at 4 PM but mostly on weekends. But a residual unfortunate couple of them have the 4 PM slot during weekdays. This is what to do.

21st April 2015, Tuesday: Get a second grandfather twice removed killed, of old age, in a rural setting only a few hours away from your city of office that doesn’t fetch phone signals. Come to office like any other day and right at lunch get a call from your dad that the tragedy has occurred and the last wish of the deceased was to be set on the pyre by you. Leave at 2 PM. Reach home before time and pop some corns for the match. Drop a few popcorns on the table for the fictional relative as penance and good luck for your team.

22nd April 2015, Wednesday: You’ve had a tragic eventuality at home, so next day come to office a little off and distracted. Let it known to everybody that you are not well and that you have a strange fever where your body temperature remains normal but you feel really sick inside. The dramatic catharsis will dawn on its own when your office crush comes to ask after your health and suggest that you go home. Dribble a bit and after an appropriate while give in. Go home, order a spicy pizza with extra cheese to cure you of that strange fever, and switch the TV on.

1st May 2015, Friday: Host a visit of your mother-in-law who’s touchy about a driver picking her up at the airport when her son-in-law is still in town. Tell the story to a few married guys at office and gain sympathy for the monster she is. Listen patiently and disapprovingly when they relate their own. Make a sullen face with a helpless forced smile and joke about it being World Labour Day as you exit the office sharp at 2:30 PM. Order flowers for your wife to make up for the fantasy mother visit, when your match is about to start. They’ll reach her by the time it’s over and you may have more than one reason to be happy about.

4th May 2015, Monday: As soon as you finish reading this line take a break and draft a mail for leave for this day, saying you’re leaving town on friday night for a friend’s wedding and will be back on monday afternoon. Kudos for doing this. You will not feel uncomfortable about lying to your boss yet again by having done it this early. Wake up really late after a night of binge drinking on Sunday night and have lemonade and nachos to get over that hangover while you watch the match.

Partner trouble

You’ve secured all those weekdays, but there is one distraction that is bigger and mightier than anything else. It’s like the last stage of Contra, the 8th stage dragon of Super Mario Bros. that you have to be really careful against— your girl friend/wife. The boss may not mind you taking a day off or two for he has others working for him, but your significant other has only you.

That’s more scary than cute. This means she’s going to be mad at you for a stretch of a month and half without even one day off for not giving her your ‘primetime’. Be extremely cautious about how you handle this for she’ll be prepared to pick all the bones with the dexterity of an archaeologist.

Take her out as much as you can before the IPL epidemic starts. Pamper her with dinners, dances, parties, romantic walks and a lot of shopping. Do everything she loves. Forget about your preferences and pick her favourite movie to watch, her favourite restaurant to eat in, her favourite music to listen to.

Basically be her bitch for all the time you have and slyly let her realise this. When your time comes, practice the right body language to go with words like— “Baby can I watch one?”, “Remember we had so much fun listening to all the Boyzone tracks back to back, let’s watch some cricket together?”, “I know you’re just messing with me making that angry face. Deep down you want me to have some time for myself and enjoy the match.”

But we know, soon enough she’ll go impatient and you’ll have to keep her occupied with something more substantive than just the crap you make with words. Get her some movies and gripping TV series to follow. Make her so addicted to them that it’s them she thinks about all day in office and switches on her laptop first thing she comes back. Socially-proven-to-psychologically-claw-her-to-them films and TV series to collect before the crisis hits:

Boyhood: She’ll cry and would remain gloomy for some time but will also chuckle and laugh out loud. In the end she’ll have spent two and a half hours in front of the screen. If she finishes before your match is over, tell her it’s the perfect example of a bildungsroman film and let her spend another 15 minutes reading about what that is. If you’re not done even after that then probably you’re watching an old one day match and not T20 cricket.

Whiplash: If she loves Jazz or music in any form, she’ll stay glued to her screen right till the credits begin to scroll and all through their end. It has passion and sophistication with amazing actors. When the film’s over and she comes back to your couch ask her if she noticed Mohit Chauhan’s song that was featured in the bar scene. It’s only to get her back to the laptop because your match isn’t over yet. There is no Mohit Chauhan.

Breaking Bad: This might take longer and more of your involvement than others. It’s an amazing series right? But if you give it to her to start on her own she might get passive and detached soon. Sit with her before the IPL dates arrive and keep telling her that the pace will catch up after a few episodes. As soon as she garners interest withdraw exactly like when teaching a teenager how to ride a bike. She’ll be on auto pilot everyday after that. Even when all seasons are over, you’ll have its prequel Better Call Saul to whet her large appetite, ready and loaded in her hard disc.

Desperate Housewives: Pick this up when everything else is exhausted or doesn’t work. This is disarmingly effective on the fairer sex. But you might create a Frankenstein by introducing her to the daddy of gossip-driven female addiction series. Honestly we don’t even know what’s in there, but from the stories we keep hearing, it’s Sanjeevani Buti on DVD. For further heads up you may want to visit one of the online portals of men who got divorced because of it.

From the April 2015 issue of FHM India.