Job Swap: Footballers Who Should Really Be in Bands
Ever studied a sportsman’s face and thought he should be doing a different job? FHM has…
Like meeting a bank manager with an earring, or an aggressive florist, every so often a footballer will come onto the radar who doesn’t seem to fit his day job. Lampsie looks like a man who grooms horses and Arjen Robben wouldn’t look out of place programming computers. With that in mind these next 11 gentlemen should all have been in bands!
Dimitar Berbatov, Kraftwerk
If you didn’t know ‘Berbie’ as Man United’s lethargic genius, you’d be perfectly excused for mistaking him for a producer of weird electronic synthpop – not unlike the gangly professors in Kraftwerk, who are much lauded for talking like robots, being astonishingly German and pioneering every single genre of modern music.
Ashley Cole, Prince
World class in his field, provocative and presumptive when it comes to demanding sexual gratification from anyone in the vicinity. A bit fey and womanly? Admit it, Ashley Cole is basically Prince.
Alex Song, Wu Tang Clan
Were he not busy with the water-carrying duties required to allow Fabregas and Nasri to sprinkle magic around the Emirates football pitch, no one would bat an eyelid if Alex Song suddenly appeared to spit violent raps alongside the RZA, the GZA, Raekwon the Chef and Ghostface K.
Mario Balotelli, Glee
In a football reimagining of the hot US singalong sitcom, Glee, Man City have busily assembled a group of socially inept classroom misfits and demanded that they put on one hell of a show at regionals. Amongst them, a brooding teenager with a mohican – Balotelli is so Puck!
Lionel Messi, The Ramones
Simple football, played really fast – in that sense, Lionel Messi is the sports embodiment of the rock’n’roll-in-a-hurry that made The Ramones the greatest punk rock band ever. Plus, fittingly, his never-changing haircut is reminiscent of grotty New York glue-sniffers in leather jackets, too.
Marouane Fellaini, The O’Jays
In a world made up of young men positioned directly on the sharp edge of fashion, Everton’s Fellaini draws the eye with his ’70s afro. Were this 1973, his natural curls would be the envy of everyone forced to splash out on monthly perm tightening sessions at the local hairdressers. But, sadly, it isn’t.
Carles Puyol, Iron Maiden
Raising two fingers to poncey football trends such as massive tie knots and free haircuts, Barca’s Puyol chooses instead to fashion his look on the heavy metal band Iron Maiden – fellow longhairs with a decent line in shouting and screaming.
Theo Walcott, JLS
Presumably when they’re not mouthing along to their own songs or sitting at the end of a hotel bed silently draining entire bottles of Jack Daniel’s, JLS pay similar attention to grooming detail as Arsenal’s rocket-heeled winger Theo Walcott. He could replace the one called Marvin.
Kolo Toure, The Crusaders
Pop a stubby cigar in his mouth, and hey presto – Man City’s Kolo Toure looks like a revolutionary! Minus the cigar, he could easily play trumpet in a dreamy ’70s jazz-funk ensemble such as The Crusaders, who did Street Life.
Robbie Savage, The Bee Gees
When The Bee Gees transformed themselves from pop-folk pin-ups to wolf-faced disco animals in time for the Saturday Night Fever soundtrack, it kick-started a ripple effect in the fashion world which concluded with Robbie Savage growing a Gibb-style beard to go with his Baywatch hair.
Bacary Sagna, Imagination
Back in the early ’80s, few things were considered more macho than a man beading his hair, dressing up like a gay Dick Turpin, and making air love to a keyboard/guitar. At last count The Gunners’ Bacary Sagna was about a third of the way to glamourous disco-pop manliness.
From the July 2011 issue of FHM India.
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