The Bloke Test: James Blunt
He’s both a posh-voiced serenade master and a military-trained madman. How will he fare?
01 What’s the biggest thing you’ve set on fire?
I’ve blown up a few tanks and the odd building when I was in the army. You can’t get much bigger.
Verdict: Bloke.
02 What do you have on your toast?
Marmite. It’s really good for the throat. I sometimes have squeezy Marmite on stage so I can eat some and continue with the concert. Once, I missed my mouth. When the lights came back I looked like I’d been rimming.
Verdict: Bloke.
03 Have you ever eaten a raw egg?
Only on top of steak tartare. I live in Ibiza and they always have that stuff in French restaurants.
Verdict: Not bloke.
04 Have you ever cried when people from broken homes sing really well on The X Factor?
I’ve never cried, but I’d like to think my empathy level is high for the people on the show in the first place. I feel their pain.
Verdict: Not bloke.
05 How are you at DIY?
I studied aerospace manufacturing engineering at university and recently bought a plane with my dad. It arrived in 10,000 pieces and we’ve just finished it. He’s now flying it around.
Verdict: Bloke.
06 Have you ever rescued an animal?
A few. The last one was a moose in Canada that was tied to a fence. It was quite a frightening beast to get involved with because it was really fucking big. It was bigger than a cow and it took a few of us to do it.
Verdict: Bloke.
07 Have you ever thought, however briefly, that you might be Jesus?
No. Recently, on Twitter, some guy said, “Why have you only got 200,000 followers?” and I replied, “Jesus only needed 12.” But I promise that at no stage did I mean to compare myself to Jesus.
Verdict: Bloke.
08 Have you ever puked while walking or running?
I’ve thrown up a lot. I’m sure at times I’ve been running to reach a bog, but I’ve never been on a run and thrown up. It’s normally alcohol-induced.
Verdict: Bloke.
09 What’s the biggest sandwich you’ve made?
After every gig when we’ve tumbled back on to the tour bus drunk, ham and cheese toasties are our main source of food. On a standard night, I’ll probably eat two of them, with a maximum of five.
Verdict: Bloke.
10 Have you ever put your penis through your legs and pretended to be a girl?
No, but I’ve witnessed it. Perhaps that’s just as bad. Wearing women’s clothes, though, is a completely different matter…
Verdict: Not bloke.
11 What sort of manly nicknames have you had?
My nickname is really boring and obvious. Everyone just calls me Blunty. Sticking a ‘y’ on the end is the standard British format for nicknames. Although the press like to call me Cunt.
Verdict: Bloke.
12 Do you abide by best before dates?
No. They’re lies, surely? It depends what it is, as well. If it’s something you really like, it’s easier to risk it than go to the shops. It seems like a waste if it’s something you really fucking enjoy. If it’s for someone else, I’m willing to take the risk if I think I can get away with it.
Verdict: Bloke.
13 What’s in your pockets right now?
I’m not wearing trousers. I’m speaking to you from my bed while watching Traffic Cops, so I don’t have any pockets.
Verdict: Bloke.
14 What’s the strangest thing you’ve ever drunk beer from?
A tortoise shell, a shell casing from ammunition and some other weird ones. Oh, and a boot.
Verdict: Bloke.
15 Have you ever twerked?
I’ve never tried. I just don’t have the hips for it. But I am an admirer.
Verdict: Bloke.
Result: 12/15
Thanks to Marmite mouth, moose rescue and Twitter owning, it’s an impressive result for you, Blunty.
The Bloke Test leaderboard
- =1st Morgan Spurlock 13
- =1st Ross Noble 13
- =3rd James Blunt 12
- =3rd Ben Fogle 12
- =3rd Danny Trejo 12
- =3rd Howard Marks 12
- =7th Meat Loaf 11
- =7th Stuart Broad 11
- =9th Pete Wentz 10
- =9th Jason Derulo 10
- =9th Alex Brooker 10
From the March 2014 issue of FHM India.
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