The Bloke Test: Valentino Rossi
The legendary MotoGP champion on shaving his ‘womanly’ legs, scraps with Max Biaggi, 217mph at Mugello and job chats with his bulldog Guido. Is he a bloke?
This month’s challenger… The legendary MotoGP champion on shaving his ‘womanly’ legs, scraps with his rivals and job chats with his bulldog.
1. Have you ever drunk so much energy drink you thought you were going to have a heart attack?
No, I can’t drink too many energy drinks because I get a fire in my stomach. Coffee, on the other hand, I drink a lot of. Verdict: Not bloke
2. Are you banned from anywhere?
Yes, for sure. Sometimes we ride our dirt bikes in places we’re not supposed to. But going out to nightclubs and bars I’m generally okay. I don’t make huge disasters in these places. Verdict: Bloke
3. What’s the biggest thing you’ve set on fire?
Amazingly, I’ve never had a motorcycle blow up on me. The biggest thing I’ve ever set on fire must be a bonfire on the side of a lake after a long day’s fishing. Sorry! Verdict: Not bloke
4. Have you ever tasted your own blood?
Yes, many times. When I cut myself it’s a good taste. But I’m pleased to say I’ve never tasted the blood of anyone else. Verdict: Bloke
5. Have you ever puked on a girl’s shoes?
No, I have certainly been close in the past, but luckily I have managed to avoid this particular situation. Verdict: Not bloke
6. Have you ever been fraped or fraped someone?
I don’t really understand Facebook but I like Twitter and have my own account. Sometimes I make a mistake I instantly regret, and I post, “Fuck!” on it. Verdict: Bloke
7. Have you ever had a particularly successful session of DIY?
Yes, I have a house in the countryside. For years now I’ve been working on this place, expanding the rooms and making it better. Verdict: Bloke
8. Have you ever shaved a part of your body other than your face?
Sometimes I shave my legs like a cyclist. I don’t like my legs though, they look like a woman’s. Verdict: Not bloke
9. Ever spent a significant amount of time talking to an animal?
Yes, for sure. The longest time was with my first bulldog, Guido. I spoke with him about whether I should change from Honda to Yamaha in 2004. He agreed I should do it. Verdict: Bloke
10. Have you ever rescued an animal?
No, but when I’m driving and they walk in front of me on the road I do my best to avoid hitting them. Does that count? Verdict: Not bloke
11. Have you ever thrown a punch at someone and missed?
I had a fight with [MotoGP rival] Max Biaggi in Barcelona in 2001. We exchanged a few punches and kicks but nothing too serious. I’ve maybe missed someone in a disco, but that’s always with many people and not one-on-one. Verdict: Bloke
12. Have you ever been kept behind at airport security?
In Tokyo the border security came over to us. I was thinking, “Why me?” Then I realised I had a hat on with this long hair and colourful clothes, so maybe it was fair enough. Verdict: Not bloke
13. What’s the fastest you’ve ever driven?
The first time we tested the 1000cc Ducati at Mugello this year it hit 217mph at the end of the start/finish straight. Also, I hit 186mph in a Porsche GT3 on an autobahn a few years back. Verdict: Bloke
14. Do you own any coloured jeans?
Ten years ago, yes. Now, no. I had red, yellow, green – everyone in Italy was wearing them but not now. Thankfully! Verdict: Not bloke
15. Have you ever made growling noises at yourself in the mirror?
Yes, like “I’m bad!” Sometimes before a race if I’m in particularly good shape I will growl. Verdict: Bloke
Score: 8/15
World Championships may come and go, Valentino, but coloured jeans will haunt you for life. We advise taking style tips from your old bulldog, Guido.
Bloke Test leaderboard: 1st Morgan Spurlock 13; 2nd Howard Marks 12; 3rd Seann William Scott 10; 4th Joe Calzaghe 9; 5th Valentino Rossi 8; 5th Russell Howard 8; 6th The Miz 7; 6th Sean Paul 7; 7th Sean Lock 6; 8th Vic Reeves 4.
Credit: John Cantlie.
From the September 2012 issue of FHM India.
Spotted a mistake, or your photo used without permission? Report a correction
in your inbox