The Ones Fashion Left Out

One Sunday morning in the late 50s, Johnny Cash stumbled into his closet with a throbbing head and a beer in hand and emerged with his cleanest dirty shirt. We’d all agree - things are not quite so simple anymore. Our greatest fashion concern is not whether it is ok to wear the same shirt again (we got out of that phase soon after the gold rush ended). But we do worry about other more complicated things – what to do with button up collars? Which button to button on a suit jacket? Or other questions which threaten world peace – to wear socks with loafers or not.

We at FHM try to sympathize, fail miserably, stop kidding ourselves. Poke fun and clarify – questions that have rather conveniently fallen through the fashion cracks.

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Vested interests

It’s a question that countless men have asked…To wear one or not?

Now what’s in a vest? No we aren’t referring to the ones that Rupa sells but the ones which are traditionally supposed to be add-on’s to dress your outfit up. While layering yourself up like Ferrero Rocher will not help you if you’re into pilates or dumb bells…. Vesting it up at the right place, can make you look suave from the seventies -regardless of it being the age of 3D.

To start with, experiment with a basic color vest (forget patterns please) over a crisp white shirt on casual Fridays.

Opting in for a semi-formal look with a vest? Pair it up with a neck-tie and you’re ready to make a statement. Finally, for formal occasions such as a black-tie event, your wedding( the first one) or a fancy dress party(where you go dressed as Chuck Bass), a three piece suit definately calls loud for a crisp vest.

Loafers? With or without socks

It was in the 1930’s when the Esquire went gaga over lace-less shoes that were making their way into the USA in the luggage of Americans visiting Europe.

Norwegians went about exploring something comfortable to wear in their picturesque lives, a certain shoemaker started making loafers by the name of Weejuns. Soon it was the 1960’s and Gucci was making loafers.

If scooties (originally built for farmlands in New Zealand) can clog Indian roads then why can’t loafers make their way to the cityscape?

Conventionally paired up with khakis or shorts, loafers are seen being worn with jeans, cargos and even with trousers…. the enduring question though is whether to wear them with socks or not.

If yes, then what should the socks match – the denims or the shoes? If not, would anyone want to stick around when you take them off?

Back in the 1980’s, the fashion fringe made wearing loafers with socks insanely popular - you can thank or hate Don Johnson and Miami Vice for this.

So what is the way forward?

Timberlands without socks have been and continue to remain a big no-no…you can wear loafers without socks on occasion or in case you can’t find a colour that doesn’t match the denims, or the loafers or if you’re wearing loafers with more than one colour or if you are on the Riviera. If the occasion happens to be meeting your girlfriend’s family for the first time slip on a pair of socks and match them to your pants.

Drilling thy ears

If you went to your ma and told her that Mughal emperors had four piercings on one ear (we know you are a little bit curd-rice which of course is South Indian for momma’s boy– it’s ok, there’s no need to be ashamed) she would tell you they also had four and on occasion 400 wives. So thank god you didn’t and go ahead lose a bet to a very pretty now very ex gf on a holiday in Rajasthan and pierce those ears. Everyone from Shakespeare to Steven Tyler to Mick Jagger everyone has indulged in piercing their ears (and ummm…other body parts). It’s not just fashionable it also heralds a seeming return to the retrosexual with rustic undertones (paired with a beard of course).

The hundred one buck question is to pierce one or both? If one, which one?

The predicament arose when a colleague fresh out of college showed up in office with his right ear pierced. The jibe of course was—wasn’t a single pierced ear a signal, of err… a certain sort of sexuality? (For the record, we at FHM are fully supportive of brethren who chose to pursue other vocations – that much more for the rest of us). Surprisingly, Google disagrees and throws up a no. While trying to guess someone’s sexuality touches vanity, we believe both ears look more balanced. Single ear piercing are also very 80s or George Michael and even though he’s out of jail the trend isn’t.

To tuck or not to tuck?

And if to tuck, how much? Since many of us have a beer belly (not to worry a survey by FHM last issue discovered that 68 per cent of women didn’t mind you with a little muffin above the waist band – but that still doesn’t mean you’ll start knocking beer back with gay abandon), they try to avoid by leaving a slight fluff around their gut.

Tragically, most of us also think tucking in the shirt mid way and then pull some out to cover the waist-band somehow miraculously makes that little paunch disappear – it doesn’t.

David Beckham doesn’t have much to hide, he always tucks his shirt in with the right short tail hanging out. The problem in all of this, though, is that it is very difficult to tuck straight into your pants and not look like you are giving yourself a veggie or highlighting your curves. If you wear a suit, the shirt goes straight, fluffless, into your trousers. As for untucked shirts, they are a no-no unless you are 6 ft or above.

Since tucking isn’t a science and Newton didn’t formulate a law on it- your only consideration should be to not end up looking like an ice cream cone.

Legs to cross or not

Normally, it would be a consideration reserved for the women but it’s been just as valid for the men in the boardroom, we’ve just not talked about it.

So, here’s a riddle. What does a dog do on three legs, a woman seated, and men standing have in common? Shaking hands, that’s what.

Here’s the problem-sitting with your knees apart in a formal setting tends to look just a tad bit ‘look at my crotch right now’.

And ankle-on-the-knee can look disrespectful because the sole—which would moreoften-than-not be dirty even if you get hauled around in a Beamer. The knee-over-the-knee creates its own sexuality conflict, and the ankle on ankle is just too bloody dandy.

One ankle on the knee and the hand on the knee send a message that you are too relaxed- and should only be used in a lounge bar and not a board meeting.

So the question is—if you are a man, how exactly do you sit? Well, going by the joke, the man wasn’t supposed to sit in the first place, but since gender equality is in the air and just standing wouldn’t do, some solution has to be found.

Coming to a mid halt, we think situations dictate how you should be sitting. A general position is straight flat, knees not too wide, and hands on the legs or on the arm rests is the way to go.

Our editor came up with another way to beat the confusion—sit with your right or your left foot under your bottom. It will leave your posterior a little dirty, your foot will often fall asleep, but hey, that’s one way to say ‘none of the above’.

Button up or bare down

Button-down collars can be left unbuttoned, but should we? The question is, if you wear a shirt with button-down collars without a tie, should you still button those collars down?

It’s not unthinkable to leave your button-down collars neglectfully open, and though it would take a fair lot of courage to wear your shirt like Tom Ford—open till the waist—keeping one button open does offer more ventilation.

With the nerdy-yet-cute schoolboy look being glorified through various fashion trends, neatly pinned collars can look nice and dignified.

Keeping the collars unbuttoned makes them look sloppy. Keep them buttoned because the edge of the collar tends to dog ear with every wash if you don’t.

But it’s just not casual, is it? If it’s a formal striped shirt, then button the collars down, but if it’s a solid black shirt for a cool night out, leaving them open works just as well, maybe even better.

Shorts with trainers

If yes, should you wear socks with these shoes?

Ideally, shorts shouldn’t be worn with shoes that aren’t designed for sports, but you must never, ever, ever pull up your socks to your ears. The problem is also doubled by those who succumb to f-ball mania and pull up long socks to keep the shin guards in place. Sure, there are people walking, running, skipping and playing baddy with their socks stretched up to their knees, there’s no reason for you to follow.

So after pulling up your socks till the elastic allowed you to, the way to wear them is how girls did in school by letting them half disappear into their shoes. And to think we thought they did it as a spectator sport.

Remember- Walking on the beach, wear shorts with flip flops. Running along a beach (or anywhere else), use ankle length socks – but for god’s sake don’t call them invisible socks, unless of course you’re wearing a tutu on top of your shorts.

Can Nehru jackets be worn with collared shirts?

In regular jackets, should your shirt collars be inside or out? We’ve seen people all over pulling their collars over an informal jacket; even some of our actors pull out their shirt collars over the lapels of a nice designer jacket. FHM says wear shirts with their collars in, always, unless you’re a 1940s gangster or work in Bollywood, or your movie is a period flick like Action Replay. It’s especially important when wearing dinner jackets that you don’t take the casual to ridiculous Govinda extremes. The shirt collar, thus, will always remain in, even if you wear it with a Nehru jacket. Taking the collar out looks like you’re about to break into a rain dance at the sound of a clapboard.

To groom, trim or shave

Armpit hair, we mean. The question is what to do with it. Women always agree to disagree with each other. Some think “boys need to trim cobwebs” before getting into the sack when someone else is there. Many think if you plan on putting your arms behind your head as you lie on the beach, you’d better shave it all off. And if we ever asked a man about this, he would probably tell you to use a good deo and let it be- but we didn’t.

We say trim the fuzz and leave those sleeveless T-Shirts for Salman Khan.

Pleated or straight fronts

Well, the thing is, most suits available in the market, and a significant number of trousers, would have light pleats in front. While flat fronts have been at the head of the only fashion revolution in the male closet for a decade now, pleats are threatening to make a comeback. Whatever you do, don’t fall into this trap.

While we are moving to an age of a smarter, younger dressing, everyone wants to look younger, and pleats, especially double pleats, have a very relaxed feel with an element of slouchyness attached to them.

Flat fronts or light pleats have been the way to go for a while now. Wear them that way, and you’ll never be over-taxed trying to get your fringes in order.

Treaty on ties

Ever noticed that the neckties hanging somewhere in your closet are considerably slimmer than the ones in your daddy’s cupboard? It’s not just skinny jeans we are being provoked to try one, skinny neckties are the talk of the season. And just like the skinny jeans, skimpy neckties don’t look good if you’re out of shape. If you’re let’s say… erm, proportionate, you can get away with it but for men who love their chicken and beer, stick to the conventional size. A skinny necktie could also work if you happen to go all out with a three piece suit or even a waistcoat.

When in doubt, here’s the trick. If your head seems bigger ( as it always does), thy neckpiece is too thin.

Button versus zipper fly

Do you remember when Akshay Kumar took to the Levi’s ramp unveiling button fly jeans in India? Do you also remember how long it took for his wife Twinkle Khanna to unbutton it? We do. Despite all the drama, Akshay Kumar brought trouble to India.

Imagine taking a whizz after eight beers in button fly jeans. Men don’t like working anyway, but these designers had to go trendy here too.

It’s almost as if designers ran out of trends to think of and came to think of the fly. Apparently, zippers are neither fashionable nor as efficient as the rivet of a button . They say the zipper corrodes and rusts up very easily. Now we don’t want any rust anywhere there but remember, you got to be patient with it or you’ll regret it.