Win at life: manly things to do in the great outdoors

Make the most of the (unpredictable) British weather and turn yourself into a gnarly master of nature…

Wee against an ancient tree in the dead of night

Since the beginning of time, men have been relinquishing their bladders on the mossy sides of great big trees, a single act that pulls together two of the most natural things in the world. Trees, and going to the loo. Do it on a high street and you’re a yob. Do it in the middle of the night under the glow of a full moon though, and it’s a primal taboo that propels you straight back to our days as bona fide hunter gatherers. Just be wary of the dreaded splashback if you’re wearing shorts.

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At some point in every man’s life, he should take it upon himself to own a really good knife. You want a blade to be proud of with untapped practical usage – not the know-it-all Boy Scout Swiss Army knife or the biro and razor blade shank – but a proper, rugged and impressive-looking blade. Even if you only ever use it to sharpen the end of a tree branch, it’s a worthwhile tool to have. Check out the Otter-Messer anchor knife; the German craftsmith has been producing sharp bits of steel since 1840 and they’re genuine handmade items of beauty.

Casually whittle a big stick with this knife

Ankermesser 174M.L, ₹3,378, otter-messer.de

Surf on the most beautiful beaches in the UK

Fistral Beach

First in our Cornish list, with some of the most consistent waves in the UK, is Fistral Beach, a legitimate world-class surf spot. Make sure you get there early, though – on the best days the place can get pretty crowded.

Crantock Beach

Just over the headland from Fistral, this is a beautiful beach that has the Gannel estuary flowing out into it, giving you a great right-hander if you wait for the correct stage of tide.

Mawgan Porth

This is a smaller surf spot that picks up plenty of swell, making it a great place to surf when everywhere else is coming in small just off low tide. It’s got an incredible left-hander and a wedge peak that comes in from the right.

Watergate Beach

You’re surfing the same swell that you’ll ride over on Fistral Beach only with the added bonus of being slightly further out of town. It’s obviously slightly harder to reach but you’ll be rewarded with a much quieter beach and incredible waves.

Matt Adams, Cornish surfboard maker and surf school owner. Visit adamssurfschool.co.uk

Gut and eat your fish

Step 1: Hold the fish by its head and scrape the scales with a blunt knife. Strokes should be short and quick. Work around the fins.

Step 2: Cut away the head.

Step 3: Insert your knife into the anus near the tail and cut towards where the fish’s head was to open it up like a butterfly.

Step 4: Spread the fish’s abdominal cavity open with your fingers and cut away at the insides.

Step 5: Rinse and cook.

Find a fossil at Robin Hood’s bay

A stone’s throw away from the spot where Dracula supposedly turned up on British shores, Robin Hood’s Yorkshire bay is practically an open-air museum when it comes to its stock of fossils. Full of everything from whale bones to the type of dino rocks more fitting of Jurassic Park.

Discover smuggler caves at Baggy Point

A headland that separates Croyde Bay from Morte Bay in north Devon, Baggy Point is great for both a climbing or caving adventure, incorporating various sea caves with varying levels of accessibility depending on tide. At low tide, you can walk straight through the main cave on foot; at mid-tide, you can swim it. Avoid altogether when the water gets too high and choppy though, unless you want to end up as a local ghost story.

Check out h2outdoor.co.uk for a proper caving adventure

Catch a big one

Three tips to landing your own Moby Dick...

Don’t be a purist. Use live bait and match it with what the fish normally feed on.

Try to go for the type of fish that may be spawning or hitting so you have more chance of getting a bite. It’s also wise to go for fish that swim in groups (schools).

Start with your bait deep in the water and work your way to the top in stages. Once you catch a fish, try to keep your bait at that depth and just move around until you find where they’re hiding. If you aren’t catching, move until you do.

Go canoeing in a remote creek

If floating your canoe through the upper creeks of the Fal-Ruan nature reserve doesn’t wake up your adventure bug, you need to seriously question your lust for life. Renowned as one of the most remote areas of tidal river in Cornwall, you’ll be flanked either side with untouched woodland, punctuated by the type of bird song usually reserved for Disney films. Photography: Lucy Blue, cornwallwildlifetrust.co.uk

Make a campfire and cook beer-b-cue pulled pork

Equipment

• Campfire
• Dutch oven

Ingredients

• 3lbs pork tenderloin
• 1 medium onion, sliced into thin rings
• 1 bottled beer

Put the pork and onion into the Dutch oven and pour beer over the top. Bake at around 160˚C for 2 hours or until pork can easily be shredded with a fork.

Stack high on a crusty roll with coleslaw and a squeeze of barbecue sauce. Eat and rub your stomach while releasing a satisfied sigh.

Swim in a great big lake and find a secret island

Coniston Water was the setting for Arthur Ransome’s classic book Swallows And Amazons, with Peel Island being a direct inspiration for Wild Cat island in the book. You can swim right out to it and there’s a natural harbour that’ll get you on to the island itself (around a 30m swim). Once you get there, there’s a secret cove surrounded by ancient trees and a carpet of soft pine needles, with a great ledge to jump and dive into the waters below.

Sleep outside for a week (or at least a weekend)

We’re not saying you need to go full-on Rambo on your local woods, but pack a tent and some basic supplies to wake up in nature. Get some serious quiet time by heading to Beddgelert, Snowdonia National Park, a woodland that holds up as the archetypal spiritual home of our bearded, outdoorsy forefathers. One of the few relatively un-modernised camping spots in the UK (the area is still serviced by steam train) and just a short hike from the zigzagging foothills of Snowdonia.

Andy Torbet, climber, diver and adventurer

Point out these constellations to a hot girl

Winter: Orion

Probably the most dramatic and beautiful constellation out there, it makes up the shape of a giant hunter with a big club and shield. Spot it by looking for the three stars that make up Orion’s Belt. If you follow the line of the belt towards the right, it’ll take you to a cluster of stars called the Pleiades, which is really beautiful and great to point out to a lady friend.

Spring: Leo the lion

Instantly recognisable as one of the signs of the zodiac and the sun’s passage through the sky. It represents the almost invincible mayan lion that was killed by Hercules. According to legend, the only way he could kill it was by strangulation because it’s skin was too thick to use a spear. Look for the backwards question mark shape that makes up it’s head and mane. Sometimes this is also called the Sickle.

Summer: Hercules

One of the trickier ones to spot is Hercules. It’s made up of a central square called the Keystone, which helps you pick it out. The Summer Triangle is also great to spot at this time. It’s a giant pattern made of three incredibly bright stars that overlaps three other big constellations. If you can see it, summer’s here.

Autumn: Pegasus

According to Disney, this is Hercules’s winged horse. In myth, it was the companion of Perseus, the main guy from the Clash of the Titans, a great fact to say as you point it out. It’s a big square of stars as a base where you can pick out the head of the horse, the full constellation actually only picks out half of the animal.

All year round: The plough

The most recognisable set of stars in the sky, it’s made up of seven stars, although technically it wouldn’t really be classed as a constellation. It’s actually part of the Great Bear, which is a great bit of knowledge to share. There are two bright stars that stand out known as the pointers. If you follow their line, it’ll direct you to the North Star which will always point you towards true north.

Astronomer Tom Kerss, Royal Observatory, Greenwich

Drink a nature infused whisky smash

Grab a jar, top it up with whisky and a drop of water, toss in some mint and a little brown sugar and give it a stir and mash. As an optional sour twist, throw in a piece of lemon.

Stand in this spot and just take it all in

“The Cuillin Ridge is, for me, the most spectacular mountain vista in the UK. On a clear day it stretches like a dragon’s back across Skye. I once crossed the full ridge ropeless and on my own in one day. Doing the full ridge is difficult but climb one of the mountains and you’ll be repaid with life-changing views.”

Andy Torbet

Chill your beers in a stream

Learn how to make a compass like Rambo*

Step 1: Place a stick upright in the ground so you can see its shadow. Mark the tip of the shadow with a small object, such as a stone.

Step 2: Wait 10-15 minutes. The shadow tip will slowly move from west to east in a curved line. Mark the new position of the shadow’s tip with another small stone.

Step 3: Draw a straight line in the ground between the two marks. This is an approximate east-west line.

Step 4: Stand with the first mark (west) on your left, and the other (east) on your right. You are now facing true north.

Get a pair of boots that will take you anywhere

No explorer ever looked at his feet and saw his face reflected in his boots. Your footwear should carry the scars of your adventures and stave off trench foot. Invest in longevity.

Roll down a famous hill

Summon your inner child by rolling down a great big hill at speeds that defy modern health and safety regulations. For ultimate nostalgia points, go for Hope Valley in Castleton, the iconic setting of the famous roll from Princess Bride. Assume the position and let gravity take hold as you scream, “Aaaas you wiiissh” at the top of your lungs. FHM takes no responsibility for any broken bones, bruises or scrapes.

Take a historical pilgrimage and see the best sunset

Zennor Quoit in far west Cornwall is an incredible bronze-age burial chamber that’s high up on a cliff overlooking the sea, pointing right out towards America. The ancient stone chamber itself dates back to about 2000 BC and is one of the eight that still remain on the west Penwith moors. The Zennor Quoit itself was said to have mystical powers. If you look out towards the sea as the sun goes down you’ll see one of the best sunsets in the UK. When the sky is really clear, you get a green flash as the sun sinks into the sky. There’s a strange optical effect where everything turns blue and green.

Ride a bike here

If the most excitement you get on two wheels these days is dodging the number 24 bus on your way to work, you need to get back to basics on a serious mountain trail. The Antur Stiniog mountain bike trail has plenty of adrenaline-pumpin’ downhill trails to keep everyone from Danny MacAskill to a manchild on a tricycle.

Read a life changing book under a tree

One of the greatest gifts we can take from an adventure in the great outdoors is time; the opportunity to clear our minds and return to the hustle and bustle with a new approach to life’s battles. Grab yourself the kind of book that’s impossible to digest on a train journey or at home on the sofa. We recommend the ancient military tactic book, The Art Of War by Sun Tzu, a text that offers guidance on how to fight wars without actually having to do a battle. It carries a philosophy every bit as relevant for everyday life as it is for storming enemy forts.

Take an incredible picture with this camera

Don’t just point and click

Always know why you’re taking a picture in the first place. What was it that impressed you about the leafy forest you’re walking through? Choose a subject for each picture and focus on that. It’ll make the final product a lot more striking.

Follow the light

Before you start snapping, take a look at the lighting. If your subject is backlit, they’ll look darker in pictures. Are there interesting shadows you can play with? Where is the light not falling? Experiment with what you have.

Lay off the zoom

If you’re working with a digital zoom instead of a lens then try and ignore it. A digital zoom simply enlarges your picture which kills picture quality. If you’re using a lens always zoom first and then focus.

Fujifilm X-E2, ₹71,295, amazon.co.uk

Tell a proper ghost story

Hand of Glory, by Si Cunningham

I can recite the shitty email off by heart, even though it’s knocking on for six years ago. “A bloke in Settle reckons he’s got a cursed hand. Good human interest story? One for you, mate.”

I was a junior reporter on a local rag – the Nidderdale Echo – and got all the local cranks. Sid Pickard got court reporting and council cover-ups; I got nutters with crystal balls. ‘Human interest’ stories.

I drove up to his tatty bungalow alone and sighed as I pulled a dictaphone and notepad out of the glove compartment. The dirty doorbell barely made a noise, but he opened the door in a flash. He was grubby, with lank greasy hair and yellowing features. “Come in, son,” he wheezed, not even asking who I was. “I’d offer you a brew, but I’ve got n’owt in,” he added, gesturing for me to sit.

He still didn’t ask who I was. “I’m James – I think you spoke to my edi...” I was interrupted. “You’re here about the hand of glory, lad.” His yellow eyes lit up.

“Hand of glory?” I asked, confused.

“Nigh on 12 years I’ve been on at your lot to feature me in’t paper. It’s the real deal, you know! One of only two or three in’t north, I’ll bet.”

“I... wha...?” I was lost for words.

“Ere, let me grab it for you.” He darted off into another, even grubbier room where the maroon curtains were closed shut. He returned with a wooden box covered in markings and symbols.

“Hand o’ glory,” he said proudly as he tapped the box lid. I peered closer as he continued. “It’s the severed ’and of an executed man.” And with that, I jolted back.

“They reckon this one were ’anged for murder in 1894. So. You gonna put me in yer paper?”

I suddenly felt uneasy and unsure of my surroundings. “Fuck this,” I thought. “Er, I best come back with a photographer, mate,” I mumbled as I edged toward the door. The door was locked. Fuck.

“Touch it,” he uttered, much softer now. “Just look at it, touch it, and then you’ll understand, and can be on yer way.” Hesitant, but with my car in full view, I very quickly opened the box and ran my index finger across the mummified hand, careful not to look as I did. He sighed and closed his eyes. “Bye, lad,” he whispered.

Back in my car, I finally breathed out and laughed to myself as I saw the man peer through his curtains.

“Fucking cursed hand,” I chuckled under my breath. I went to put my notebook and dictaphone in the glove compartment but froze in fear as it dropped open. There it was. The fucking hand of glory. The cursed hand of a condemned man. My cursed hand. Me, now the condemned man.

Swim in the bollock-destroying Great North Sea

If you want a nice swim, go after a few days of sun. If you want something that’ll shock the life into you, try the North Sea.

Top tips

In cold water you can only swim a tenth of the distance you can in warmer waters. Don’t go too far out. David Start

Don’t do it if you’ve got a dodgy ticker. People have been known to have a heart attack from the cold shock.

Swim with someone else. Drowning is an invisible process.

Always check the depth of the water, even if you’ve swam there many times. The depth can change over night.

Get a classic energy boost

Find true silence in the darkest place in the UK

Dartmouth is without a shadow of a doubt the best place in the country, if not Europe, to take in the night sky with no disturbance. It’s a national dark sky reserve where you’re not allowed street lights. Take a tent and camp in the moors with your friends or your girlfriend and you’ll feel like you’re at the end of the world.

Tom Kerrs

From the May 2015 issue of FHM India.