Worst Trends of All Times

When Dickens wrote “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times,” he spoke of French revolution. When we take him completely out of context, we speak about something simpler yet equally disturbing for the bourgeoisie–the worst trends since men wore make-up, stuck monocles in their breast pockets and waxed their hair.

Even as the ‘Bieber mop’ replaced ‘The Beatles mop top’; these trends survived the ice age and the nuclear holocaust (fine we went a little overboard over there – but you get the drift). They’re things that made not just the beta and the gamma man, but also the alpha male sit up and stare at the ceiling. They’re things like the Zoot-suit, acid washed jeans, leotards and the bane of our existence - MC Hammer pants. Monsieur Hammer was right - you really can’t touch this.

Read FHM India in the digital libraryEvery issue, every shoot, on TCG Media.

P.S. Since ‘what women want’ is such a big part of your sartorial decision – we made a woman write this. Your unofficial list of what women don’t want.

1. Tattoos – on things other than skin

Its 2010, machines have not taken over the world, Nostradamus has been proved wrong once again and the whole ‘real men wear pink’ phase is behind us (even though Abhishek was wearing it on a cover). But the number of people insisting on wearing tattoos on everything other than their skin is growing faster than engineering colleges in Punjab.

The story goes-one day Christian Audigier lost a bet to a friend that he could make adult men wear studded tee-shirts with animals on them. Somewhere Tattoo artist Ed Hardy got involved and the world hasn’t been the same ever since.

Usher and co and closer home just about everyone who could spell Bollywood was getting their hands on one. That they had no clue about anti-fashion though was clear when the lady who’d brought Ted Hardy to India; insisted people would buy ‘Loafers with tattoos on them’ because they looked cool.

Anyway…we don’t know where we’re going with that one. The only saving grace is Bangkok is churning them out by the Boeing loads so the more discerning ones might finally back off.

2. Crocking’ it up

Yeah, yeah everyone has one of those days when they don’t feel like dressing up; they just want to put their feet in something so comfortable (no they don’t).

Something that feels like wearing nothing at all (that’s just Gay) – but for the love of god- must your shoes look like clogs Norwegian farm workers wear to work?

In weary times, someone somewhere got it in their head to make flat surfaced shoes out of rubber and carved skylights on the top so that the feet could breathe the same polluted air that you do. Tragedy is now other companies are making them as well.

True they don’t stink, but that’s just about the only saving grace bud. Look at the picture, seriously look at the picture. You can’t look can you?

3. Jewel thief

Yeah yeah, she digs that fake bling you brought from Bangkok; she doesn’t even mind an occasion platinum band around your finger (though, you will be attracting a whole different species of tourist then), she’ll even smile patronisingly about the star-shaped studs you wear in your ears because you lost a bet to an ex. She’ll even laugh off semiprecious stones your mummy told you to wear for Good Luck, but dressing like Bappi Da!

Whoa!

Bud, days of dressing like the neck-less bejewelled crooner are long gone and his son’s time (what’s his name?) never really came. So the new dollar ring that you bought will not make you look like Jay Z or Sean Paul; don’t even get us started about the ice braces and for the love of god men stop calling it ‘Ice’; or the massive bracelet you saw Salman Khan wearing.

So your father owns a silver mine and was just gifted a couple of conflict diamonds ? Does everyone really need to know that? True, men down South will hitch up their veshtis and ride bikes wearing white baniyans and about a kilogram of gold remember – there is a reason why the bitch-seat is perennially empty.

4. Drop Crotch, baggy jeans

A good pair will make or break a man. Tragically, a pair of baggy ones will break one beyond repair. True, every man worth his X-Chromosome went through a phase when he rotated his baseball cap, straightened his oversized basketball jersey and threatened to break into really offensive rap. That phase my friend is gone.

Low rise, baggy jeans can play ball with Paris Hilton in flakey-ness and lose and are only followed by yoofs who consider it “cool” to wear hip-hop style caps.

Since many of you will have difficulty to tuck-in your gut enough to fit into a pair of pencil fits – low rise denims are one of those you should not touch – not even with a barge pole. Other denim trends to avoid: Sequins, studs, lace, knit patterns, stoned washed, torn into oblivion or gunshot jeans .

5. Abusing formal and casual

True, casual formal is a massive trend but like butter chicken there are 2001 ways to fuck it up. Pairing suit jackets with shorts ranks 1st on that list (followed closely by boys perpetually dressed for a polo match and those who wear theirs with tighty whities).

Suit jackets teamed with shorts is an outfit that should stick with the crème de la crème strutting down the Milan fashion week – or on a very very very dandy holiday on the French Riviera.

Remember, no matter how hard designers try to peddle the school-boy look, let’s steer clear of this one. Plus of course it raises the larger debate – whether to go whole hog metrosexual and shave the legs (turn the pages for some of the most enduring Fashion Conundrums of all time).

6. Plunging neck-lines

No, we aren’t talking about scuba diving, but of the disturbing sight wherein some put on deep necked t-shirts or button down shirts showing off scant body hair as signs of sexual arrival. We have all have worked with male colleagues who’ve shown up in girlie girl V neck t-shirts and insisted they are from the men’s section. Stop it. NOW.

If it’s a matter of ventilation open a window dear boy.

If you must pretend you are like cover-boy John Abraham, then make sure you have smooth collar bones, a four if not a six pack and a no body hair. Tragically, the rest of humanity (at least the V-neck tee-shirt wearing types) has man boobs.

7. Popped up collars

While you give competition to long gone Narcissist (who still lives in each of us) chew cud, drink beer and have an air of nonchalance around you - popping your collar does little else than make you look like Azharuddin. And, he never really made a comeback or make an appearance on a best dressed list did he?

The only thing worse than popping up the collar, are men whose collars hide signatures of Christian Audigier and Ltd Edition Ralph Lauren. You know what might help pulling the hottie at the bar? Pulling down your collar and popping up a conversation; a bottle of Moet works the best though.

8. Drop-crotch

Till one very festive day three seasons ago, there were two things that Indian Fashion was doing religiously. Ripping off pages of Collezioni to reproduce; and deconstructing the pants so much the crotch was virtually kissing the floor – thankfully it failed.

After spreading like the plague in the 80s, the MC Hammer pants made a brief yet painful comeback into the wardrobe in the 90s and then again in the Naughties. The influence stretched across an entire generation of designers from Jean Paul Gaultier to Gaurav Gupta, till one day the Ecstacy wore off and they were banished. While, we are okay with these Patiala salwar look-alike being a rage at one time,(we know Ranbir Kapoor has a pair – he wore them with a Sherwani in a Dud we can’t quite remember) but, if you still have them in your cupboard, it’s time for a bonfire my friend.

9. Banana pants

Another trend that threatens to come out of hiding every time fashion has a retro moment are banana pants. We hate them and not just because every time you wear them, it seems like you’re giving yourself a veggie. Enough said. Seriously.

10. Suit up

Before the double-breasted, Italian tailored finished suits and the more recent time of sharp tailoring, the Zoot Suit plagued fashion way back in the 40s. And such was the terror that it managed to stand-out even so soon after the World Wars and the Great Depression in Americas.

With the genre of jazz gaining popularity, these oversized suits managed to make a mark as well. This look consisted of long jackets, pegged trousers, wide lapels and padded shoulders.

Modified time and time again, the zoot suit became a historical symbol during anti-Mexican riots in the forties.

Since the violence came to an end (a long time ago), this trend should too. In fact, the only time the ‘zoots’ should make an appearance is only when you’re dressing up for Halloween; thankfully its last appearance in a major motion picture was in The Mask.

11. Polyester safari suits

Another trend that spread like wild disease and is still breeding in some areas is the polyester safari suit. This usually means square cut collared safari jacket and trousers with enough room for an elephant to breathe. The safari suit fever though went crazily out of control. From brown to aqua green, linen to polyester, striped to checked, safari suits have been worn too long.

True, designer Raghavendra Rathore did try and bring the safari suit out of the whole pan chewing real estate/shady stockbroker image by dolling out linen versions – the safari suit still makes us gasp.

Maybe it’s time this one walked into the sunset; even if you’re paying tribute to Steve Irwin. If you are worried about what to do with your collection of safari suits – you can always use them in safari suit secret society meetings while you plot to take over the world.

12. Mullets

The eighties are long gone and so is the mullet.

Cropped short from the front and the sides, the haircut that turned good men into overgrown racoons is gone. Tragically, by then the mullet had seeped into popular imagination - be it puffed, permed, spiked or even straight. And there is one man you can almost single-handedly blame for all this - David Bowie.

Closer home, the hangover lasted into the mid 90s when everyone from Akshay Kumar to Salman Khan and even Aamir sported them. Recently, it played a starring role on Tom Hanks in Da Vinci Code and Nic Cage in Next. Eeeks.

12. Leotards

Worn by little girls to show off their newly learned tricks on stage, leotards were once famous amongst toddlers. It was Queen of re-invention; Madonna who wore them in her video for single “Hung Up” swishing them to limelight. And as always, following her was the once-famous singer, Britney Spears. While hotties like Beyonce and Christina Aguilera choose to bare all they got they got in these, Lady Gaga’s recently advocated for these ‘skimpies’ retorting it’s never too cold for a leotard. While we can deal with Lady Gaga wearing one – a man in a Leotard deserves only one line – why didn’t you buy a tutu and a pair of ballerina shoes while you were at it?

13. Short kurtas

Some trends should be limited to women…like embellished hair bands and kurtis that finish at your waistline. Actually we don’t really blame anybody since it came in vogue when trendsetters were actors like Amol Palekar (in Golmaal and Rajnigandha) and Rajesh Khanna (in most of his flicks) made the youth go for short kurtas and plain trousers along. This officially is by far the worst Cinema fashion-trend of all time. Not only did the look not suit the man of the 70’s, it also did not suit the man of the 90’s when it made a short (thankfully) claim to fashion fame.

14. Banana hammock/Speedos

Let’s face it – Banana Hammocks don’t work for anyone. ANYONE. It does not work when you’re going in the water, it does not work when you’re coming out of the water, hell it doesn’t even work when you’re paying for them at the counter. The whole ‘If you have it, then you got to show it’ credo is dead and buried bud and let’s just leave the stuffing to the women should we?

Plus, we know it’s a vacation but must you ruin it for everyone else? Fine, we’re genetically tuned to talk loudly in beach shacks – but whoa! This is getting a bit much buddy.

15. Ankle length trousers

Now, we know we are still reeling from recession and designers desperate to do something different with the pants are ‘strongly suggesting’ ankle length bottoms – tragically there is something inherently dandy about the look. Stop screwing with the natural order of things – leave the leg showing to the women.

DISCLAIMER: Quotes in the beginning of a story a senior had once said are the laziest ever introduction; we still do it with this story to prove a point. These are trends that have messed with our heads for good part of our adult lives – threatening to return like a recurring nightmare or a rash in the privates. Plus of course the temptation to get him to do a cartwheel in his grave was too much to resist.