01. INVENT SOMETHING
MSteve Jobs was 21 when he founded Apple, so get your skates on if you want to invent something that changes the world. Maybe sit under a tree in the hope you discover a successor to gravity. Or go online and steal someone else’s idea. Easy.
02. BE A FESTIVAL IDIOT
It’s a rite of passage to cause a ruckus at Reading or turn a caravan at Download into an all-night dubstep rave. But do it while you’re young and single: no toddler wants to see their dad dancing with a tree at 7am when Glastonbury finished days earliar.
03. TRY WEARING WHISKERS
Whether it’s Guido Fawkes face-fuzz or a full-blown bushy beard, only faff with your facial hair while you’re young enough to get away with it. Otherwise you’ll resemble the sort of bloke who rummages in bins for used jazz mags.
04. ‘SLEEP’ ON A BEACH
Be it Norfolk or Ayia Napa, nothing puts you more at one with the elements than having a rave on a beach that goes on until dog walkers find you the next morning and assume they’ve found a washed-up corpse – albeit one covered in a mixture of fluorescent paint and Jägermeister.
05. JOIN A CLUB
From fortnightly five-a-side to the weekly Wetherspoons Curry Club, a bit of male bonding gives your life a sense of purpose. Just don’t accidentally join any death cults – you never know what’ll happen at a Warhammer meet-up.
From fortnightly five-a-side to the weekly Wetherspoons Curry Club, a bit of male bonding gives your life a sense of purpose.
06. PRETEND TO BE A LADYBOY
Because tucking your bits inside your legs ‘for lols’ is fairly amusing when you’re young, but not so much when you’re 35 and in the changing area of a council swimming pool.
07. POACH AN EGG PROPERLY
Be the master of this one fiddly thing in the kitchen and women will forever think you’re some sort of Gregg ‘I’m tasting strawberries’ Wallace/Gordon Ramsay sexbot. Clue: vinegar’s the key (to the eggs, not the sex, obviously).
08. FINISH THE WIRE
People are only going to keep on asking you, aren’t they? It’s now more acceptable to be a virgin in your 30s than it is to have never seen any of the major HBO sagas, so get on it. See also: Breaking Bad, Lost, anything else that tit at work keeps going on about.
09. POSE FOR AN ICONIC PIC
No Facebook profile is complete without a snap of you dickishly ‘pinching’ the Eiffel Tower, ‘pushing’ the Leaning Tower of Pisa, or covering your bedroom with photos of your ex. Actually, maybe not the last one.
10. DRIVE SOMETHING
Cruising through M1 roadworks at a steady 90kmph for the first time after passing your test? Hell, you might as well be Vin Diesel. Alternatively, if you really want to get out of control, nick one of the vehicles at your local go-karting club and head out for a spin. There it is, you sticking it to The Man.
Cruising through M1 roadworks at a steady 90kmph for the first time after passing your test
