10 Things To Do Before The End Of The World

Reverse into a really expensive car

Ideally a luxury sedan – a BMW, a Mercedes or even a Jaguar – preferably top-end and most definitely black. Do the needful by reversing full throttle in a crowded parking lot and trying to do a handbrake turn in your Punto pretending to be Jason Statham. You’re trying to rescue a Chinese girl hidden in the boot of the Mercedes from traffickers. Reversing full speed into its side would somehow automatically release the boot lock on impact, thus setting her free.

Sleep with someone listed on IMDB

Even if it is just a small-time bimbette whose last role was as the actresses’ bespectacled friend in a movie that never made it into the second week. As long as she has an IMDB entry, she’ll do.

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Get into at least one fistfight

That too with a man a foot and a half taller, who you brawl with a week before your insurance is running out. You are swift, you tell yourself, but by the time you’ve waived one right punch in the general direction of his chest, he’s flung you across the street like a sack of sprouted potatoes. So what if you lost your front teeth, broke two rib cages, bruised one and wouldn’t be able to get up from the bed for the next six months? It’s December and we’re all dying next year anyway. At least you died a hero.

Get your name in the paper

Go deface a beloved public art installation, get caught peeing on the side of the road during a foreign dignitaries visit, throw a stone through the window of the Police Control room, slash the tyres of the car of some bigwigs daughter or just call that girl on the desk of the newspaper you’d hooked up with after being so drunk you would have done a donkey. Even if it’s a small mention in the gutter of page 9 sandwiched between a picture of two pigeons going at it and a prostitution racket bust – you are still famous.

Go to work commando in a pair of track pants

Because secretly we are all indeed exhibitionists. Moreover you don’t see any reason why people shouldn’t be able to tell when your work is exciting you and when it’s not. It’s probably going to get you fired, but what the hell – they’ll have to give you severance, which just means more money to spend before Doomsday.

Be responsible for one emergency landing

Half way into the flight, once the food has been served or bought (if you are traveling low cost) and people are just about done ogling at the air hostesses, put your jacket over your hand and walk towards the cockpit door with sure, meaningful steps. Once there, turn around and stand like Arnie in Judgement Day and yell, “Hijack”. They’d probably wrestle you to the ground, you’ll get the stuffing knocked out of you and end up spending the rest of the year in a hold up in a country with worst jails than ours (where you’ll become someone’s bitch), but it’d only be for a couple of weeks and you’ll have a great story to tell.

Write a book

Because everytime you’ve re retold the five stories you know to different people under the influence of assorted enhancers, they’ve told you, you must put pen to paper. So what if you can’t string a decent sentence together? Your blog got 15 hits yesterday (counting readership like TOI that’s 75 people right there) and you haven’t even updated it since you posted that picture of that hilarious board that said ‘Child Bear’.

Tell NGOs where they can go

All those who pick up the phone and give you guilt about helping out sick kids, adopting a flood-ravaged village, protecting downtrodden women or the like when you have 39 bucks in your check-in account can go to hell. So what if the little kid is dying of leukemia – at least you got your Chicken McGrill fix.

Tell your boss to sod off

Quitting your job suddenly seems too pedestrian. It’s time to do something more, so tell him exactly what you think of his harebrained ideas to solve the bottling backlog, his prophesies over beer and why an alcohol pill will change the way we party.

Get a platinum credit card

Or the fanciest one your credit rating can get you. Remember we can’t stress how important it is that your card has enough credit limit to buy a mid-sized sedan. Go to a store, buy everything and charge it – including those horrid neon PVC boxers with a tongue sticking out the front.

From the December 2011 issue of FHM India.