Chitty Chitty Bang Bang

When you’re flying over oceans and continents in a warp of GMT, daylight saving and the earth’s rotations – remembering the basic rules of on-ground relationships seems a tad difficult. In fact, forgetting them is as convenient as the still jet-lagged excuse I use to get out of working two days after a vacation ends. Blame the cabin pressure and the free wine or just think of that “places to do it in” column in your bucket list – but when a hot stranger exchanges looks with you across the aisle, do not sit and over-analyse the next move. Please do help yourself to the mile high club and once enrolled, nobody cares if you don’t exchange numbers, last names or even countries of residence. Plus, it’s a great way to rack up brownie points in a pissing contest with friends, because little else comes close to bumping uglies mid-air.

So how did you spend your summer? I came back home to a new social networking site, numerous wedding announcements and some blasts from the past. Can’t say I care much for any of them, but one impending nuptial in particular caught my eye. Now I’ve always maintained that long distance is a pain. You can disagree with me, but then you might also think any sex is good sex (no, your Japanese import doll doesn’t count). I will reserve my views. But back to the topic – so in the era of photo tagging, twit meet-ups, video chats, QR pin swaps and now umm, circle building is it; how can you maintain a shred of sanity when your better half is sitting in another time zone. It’s bad enough that you can’t booty call the person after a ladies night gone wild cos’ they’re in a lunch meeting, but how do you resist temptations? I posed this doozy to my soon-to-be wed schoolmates who have lived apart for more than half of their 7-year courtship and only one of them gave me an honest response – they were Emotionally Polyamorous.

Read FHM India in the digital libraryEvery issue, every shoot, on TCG Media.

After you’ve Googled the hell out of that term, like I did, you might want to mull over it in suspended disbelief. I’ve sufficiently scoffed at the concept of Polyamory as it is. Liberal as one may be, I refuse to believe that sustainable uncomplicated relationships can be built with multiple partners in a single setting. Someone’s bound to get hurt or feel left out and three really is a crowd – let alone the packs of four and five that the Poly’s claim to cohabit. Long before I knew such a word, world and lifestyle existed I had discussed a similar concept with a male suitor over a bottle of whiskey. Well, discussed is a broad term – he had elaborated on his dream scenario of happily living in a house of free love with many people, while I had plotted my exit strategy.

One half of the couple (the half that was candid) under my scrutiny claimed that both of them had remained sexually and physically monogamous, while encouraging their partner to have emotional relationships with others of the opposite sex. The friend went on to elaborate on how this – non-sexual intimate support system – had kept them from cheating while spending long durations apart. So whenever one of them needed realtime TLC that couldn’t be provided via Skype; this mutually agreeable other person stepped in. Can someone deconstruct this for me? I was and still am confused because fancy mumbo-jumbo aside, in my book this reads as Emotional Cheating. And it’s potentially more lethal than the real thing.

The mind reels. When did it become okay to replace physical cheating with emotional one? More importantly, how did I miss this boat! Polyamory’s supposed to be a huge movement with it’s own flag, symbol and several groups across the globe. Really? Now I don’t claim to have expert insight into the human psyche, but you can’t just sugarcoat something to make it sound legit. A lot of us can be accused of being emotional cheaters in some form or the other, but certainly never in a situation where it was considered acceptable by our partners. Because let’s face it – if a steady stream of sex was the only thing keeping you in a relationship, then why the hell would anyone willingly put themselves through it (well unless you’re plain ugly, in which case do embrace anyone willing to sleep with you sober). I have straight male friends who can change my flat car tyre, drop me home late at night and go on a roadtrip with me, apart from plenty of cute FB’s – why would I need a boyfriend or a husband then. You agree with me right fellas… With this kind of logic and theories floating around – why should you limit the biological urge to sow your seeds.

If anyone wants to reason with me by saying we need the structure of monogamy or the legalised institution called marriage simply for the purpose of procreation, I’ll smack you from here till kingdom come. As open, mature and cool as this “adult behaviour” may sound, I see it more like a stamp of approval for promiscuity since it’s as good as agreeing that human beings by their inherent nature aren’t monogamous. And hey, I’m no one to pass judgment, but let’s call a spade a spade. Sooner or later, the ball will drop – and as I write this, the twosome in question have unfortunately called it quits already. Apparently after years of bringing in others to build their relationship, the impending prospect of letting go of that life took a toll on them.

Then they call us single people weird. Sheesh!

From the August 2011 issue of FHM India.