Dates from hell
The rose eater, the creep with the joystick line, the man with the rumbling stomach, the clothes horse and the betel-stained smile – five of the worst dates ever.
The rose eater
Ok. First a confession... it wasn’t our first date or the last. He was just too devastatingly good-looking to pass on (he actually went on to win an international beauty pageant). However, this walking-talking Adonis — while faring well physically — had an empty chamber for a brain.
On Valentine’s Day, I gave him a red rose. Of course, even he was anything but a cliché! After a sermon on ‘how people wasted money on gifts’ (yeah, he didn’t get me anything), he asked the waiter to bring him some sugar. After all, My Valentine rose + coarse sugar = after-meal dessert!
Jeepers creepers
Okay, this one was just plain scary. The creep couldn’t get through two sentences without interjecting it with some smutty double entendre. As we sat discussing the best games on Sony PS3, he winked and asked, “Would you like to play with my joystick?” Yup, the WTF moment. Before I gestured to the waiter to bring me the cheque (yeah, I paid), I turned to the sad excuse for a man and asked him sardonically, “Why don’t you check eBay to see if they have a life on sale?”
The sound effects
This one wasn’t particularly hard on the eyes... till I realised that he was literally a literal incarnate jamboree-of-a-man. As he sat there, munching on a large plate of French fries, his stomach growled and gurgled. As I listened intently — not to his words — but to his phenomenal intestinal rumblings. His nonchalance turned out to be striking, as he asked, (hand on tummy), “Do you know they call it a borborygmi?”
The clothes horse
And that was exactly the case with my hot new date. He was so obsessed with “sagging” (apparently it’s a legitimate fashion term, not simply an adjective to describe men’s once-upon-a-time favourite body part) that the rim of his Jockey underpants was playing peek-a-boo with the entire restaurant. And to top it all, he made the lamest brand joke in the history of mankind: “In Punjab, a fashionable Punjaban was walking by the river when she suddenly saw a crocodile and screamed, “Hai Rabba, Lacoste.” Well, his consciousness was seemingly reserved only for brands. And Racism was a brand new concept.
The tinted tooth
Well, there is a reason one should approach the net with trepidation. The man who sat opposite me was tall, dark and handsome. Not only was he easy on the eyes, he seemed smart and sensible too! As I shot him a coy come-hither smile, he returned the favour by baring his beetroot-red betel-stained fangs. And as if to answer my silent question, he produced a shiny silver case that contained his precious leaves. Nestled amongst the leaves was a shiny gutka sachet. The rest — my dear Watson — is elementary. Before you date, deliberate!
From the April 2016 issue of FHM India.
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