Essential Skills: Construct an Illegal 31-Storey Building

1) Convince yourself you are committed to solving the Great Indian housing crisis.

2) Now convince other people that you’re committed to providing housing to the poor, the destitute and unskilled.

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3) Send out a press release saying the same. Leave out the part that this is temporary housing. Include the part that you will also give them employment.

4) Convince the media that people who can afford 3BHK flats for Rs 8 Crores and above are the ones battling an acute housing shortage. Shouldn’t be tough – they already believe the average Indian drinks chai at the Taj and drives a Civic.

5) Rope in a dirty Army or a Navy officer – call him ‘sir’, offer him cheap alcohol and a flat (there’s enough dirt cheap alcohol in the canteens) – plus they have a tonne of prime land lying about.

6) Multiply the amount of stories you have permission to construct by 5. Add one more story for the penthouse and start building.

7) Give it a proud and inspiring name like ideal, truth or cultured – anything Indian.

8) Order a mother of all miracle tarpaulin you read about in the Daily Mail– once you cover your 31 Story building in it, it will miraculously disappear from media view.

9) Stop fretting about environmental clearance; it has as much use as a Pollution Under Control slip – and you’ve never once got challaned for that.

10) Convince three successive chief ministers who spit on each other’s shadow that this building is the solution to their political nirvana. Make sure they get the flats above the 6th Floor – they wouldn’t possibly breakdown a Chief Minister’s flat what can they do with three.

11) Stop handing out premium sea-facing flats like Hajmola – remember making money out of it all was the primary objective.

12) Buy yourself a good safari suit, get your teeth whitened - when the telly reporters get bored of kids falling into dry wells – they will come looking for you.

13) Pray the President of a major superpower is running home from a drubbing at a domestic election. The minute he lands they’ll have other things like what he ate for breakfast and whether he likes double or single ply toilet paper; your 15 minutes of fame would be over.

14) Keep triplicates of each paper you paid for in flats, sit back and smile as the ruling party struggles to find a new CM – all three eligible ones have flats in your beanstalk.

15) Make sure you planted double the number of trees that you chopped – that is what you’ll eventually end up being prosecuted for. Remember Al Capone was prosecuted for mail fraud (you haven’t seen The Untouchables, have you?).

16) Get yourself a scotch on the rocks (a double) – you’ve earned it.

This building in the picture is for representational purposes only. It does not bear any resemblance to any building standing or razed – especially the Adarsh society.

From the December 2010 issue of FHM India.