Everything You Thought You Knew About Girls Is Wrong

Think you know how to woo a lady? Think again. We spoke to some people who know a thing or two about girls (i.e., them) to see where you’re going wrong.

Just as you think you’ve got your game right, girls go and change the rules. Again. So FHM asked relationship expert Issy Sampson to break the girl code and speak to the fellow experts, to let you in on the secret to grabbing their attention this festive period… Girls. We’re complicated. Think you understand us? You probably don’t. Even when you think you’re in with a chance, we’ll go and change the rules without telling you. So after snubbing you publicly on the dancefloor, you’re left tragically dancing off back to your mates. Thinking of buying us a drink? Don’t bother. Trying to laugh us into bed? Nope. Definitely not that. Try the wrong trick and you may as well leave that party and forget any chance of even getting close enough to smell our hair (actually, please don’t try and smell our hair, ever). But don’t worry – it’s not over yet. FHM’s crack team of experts are here to help you decode the new rules…

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1. Old rule: If you see a girl you fancy, make eye contact with her across the bar

New rule: Just go up and say hello

You think you’re giving her a smouldering, flirty stare, but she’s just scared and confused. Or convinced you’re looking at her mate, or worse – your reflection in the mirror behind her. The longer the stare goes on, the weirder it gets. You’re all ‘mysterious stranger’, her head’s thinking: “What’s happening? Do I look fat in this dress? Is my make-up down my face?” All that stuff you’d hardly notice. Literally the best thing that can happen in this situation is that she thinks you’re blind, and not psychotic. “It’s safer to stick with the stare-back-for-three-seconds rule,” says dating coach Hayley Quinn (hayleyquinn.com). “After that, go over and introduce yourself, saying something honest like: ‘I saw you and I just had to come over to say “hi”, or I’d regret that I hadn’t.’ Women like to be approached, and hanging back and staring makes you look uncertain or insecure. And remember to smile.”

2. Old rule: Wait two days before calling after a date

New rule: Contact her the next day

The ‘two day’ rule was invented in the ’90s, when you had to be standing next to your home phone to receive a call. But now we’ve got our phones with us at all times, it’s no longer the case. Kate Taylor, dating expert at Match.com (who’ve just completed a yearly report on their members’ dating attitudes) says: “The ‘two-day’ rule no longer exists. When everybody takes their mobile phone everywhere, waiting two days to call just makes you look like you’re not interested.” Which can make women feel snubbed, and keen to reject you back. “If you want to play games, concentrate on Angry Birds.”

3. Old rule: Chat-up lines are cheesy

New rule: Chat-up lines are funny

Chat-up lines are no longer the embarrassment you think. Carry them off with enough confidence and they can work to your advantage. The rules: avoid anything crass. “Is your dad an arsonist? Because you’re hot.” That’s so crap, it’s funny. “Hey girl, have you got a coat or a jumper or some gloves? Because you’re so cool… and… standing next to you is cold… because you’re cool…” That one needs some work. “Most girls have heard every line and joke about their job that you can think up,” says Clare Young, from UniformDating.com. “But if you say something original, unexpected and funny, then you’ll definitely get a girl’s attention. It helps if the girl is laughing with you, not at you, though…”

4. Old rule: Don’t act too keen

New rule: Always act keen

If you don’t show her you like her, she’s going to be offended by the fact that you look like you’re ignoring her. And have you ever overheard a group of girls slag off a bloke who’s been rude to their mate? It’s like listening to a female Frankie Boyle slating you. They are mean. Even the slightest hint of rudeness (making a joke about her dress, not replying to her texts) and he’s being roasted, and not in the good way. So while you think you’re being all aloof Don Draper-from-Mad Men style, she’s plotting your downfall. “Avoid verbally expressing your desires to a girl,” says professional female pick-up artist Kezia Noble (kezia-noble.com). “Doing this results in losing the ‘magic’ of the situation – and it can leave you open for rejection. So do it with actions. While you’re talking, hold her gaze for a little longer than necessary, look as if you have suddenly noticed how unbelievably sexy she is, and then look away.”

5. Old rule: Kick off the conversation by offering her a drink

New rule: Let a girl buy her own drinks

Firstly, the whole ‘sending a drink over’ thing in films? Invented before Rohypnol. It also immediately has every girl in the pub taking her drink to the loo with her. Don’t even try it. But even if you do offer a drink, it’s still a minefield of awkwardness. Often, she’ll be holding a drink. So if she says no, where do you go from there? If she says yes, she’s holding two drinks. “A lot of guys think the question, ‘Can I buy you a drink?’ has exactly the same meaning as the question; ‘Can I touch your left tit?’,” says Bekka Bowling (comedian and runner up of funnywomen.com 2011). “But we’re on to you, and we don’t like it because it makes us feel like we’re being held hostage by the person who has bought us one.”

6. Old rule: A failsafe date is dinner and a movie

New rule: The first date has to be something totally surprising

A Pizza Express and a rom-com is all very well, but your date’s decided if she’s going home with you even before you’re even past the doughballs. So why not do something amazing with the evening (we’re talking a pop-up gig, not time travel) – so if you’re going home alone, at least you haven’t had to sit through two hours of Reese Witherspoon’s squeaky-clean bullshit. And as dating coach and psychologist Honey Langcaster-James (honeylangcaster-james.com) says you’re not just trying to impress your date, you have to impress her 462 Facebook friends, too. Because the better the date, the better the story. “Girls love to tell their friends how they met someone, so if your first date is generic and boring, it says a lot about you,” she says. “She wants to do something fun. Dating is competitive – you need to have the edge.”

7. Old rule: Women love men who can dance

New rule: There is nothing creepier than a man who can dance

THERE IS NOTHING CREEPIER THAN A MAN

8. Old rule: Girls love a bad boy

New rule: Just be a nice guy

You know what they say: nice guys finish last. Well, forget it. Girls don’t love a ‘bad boy’. They don’t have time to check your phone, worry you’re cheating, pick you up from a police cell or try and calm down a doorman you’ve annoyed. They’ve got more important stuff to do. New rule for life: if Alexandra Burke sang a song in their honour, it’s a load of crap. “Girls just can’t be bothered with ‘bad boys’,” says Abbie Cammidge, sex writer at more!. “We’d never tell Ryan Reynolds, Ryan Gosling, Orlando Bloom or Robert Pattinson, we’re better off as friends. And look how nice they seem.”

9. Old rule: Girls don’t like texts, they like heartfelt cards

New rule: Don’t ever write love letters

Be honest: how long does it take you to think of something (that’s not “have a great day!!!”) in a birthday card? Ages. But a romantic card should be like 11am drinking and pretending you like oysters – for birthdays, Valentine’s Day and Christmas only. “Love letters have just become emails, text messages and tweets,” says Julie Spira, author of The Perils Of Cyberdating (cyberdatingexpert.com). “Girls always love a digital interruption in their day that says you’re thinking of them. It gives them a warm and fuzzy feeling and helps you stay connected during your busy day. And just like love letters, girls save texts and emails. A carefully written text or email can still be romantic – just be very careful how you word things.” The last thing you want to come across as is cheesy.

10. Old rule: Try to make her laugh

New rule: Don’t try too hard

You know how it’s really awkward when you’re sitting in the front row of a stand-up comedy act in a small venue? When you’re telling endless jokes (all stolen from Mock The Week), it’s like that for the girl you’re with. And that laugh? Fake. She’s desperate to get out of there. Girls much prefer a funny, interesting story to a succession of badly told ‘zingers’ ripped off from Ricky Gervais or Michael MacIntyre. Miss Information, aka Caitlin Robinson, of American online sex and culture magazine Nerve.com, says it’s much better not to try and make her laugh. “The truly hilarious men rarely wear ‘funny’ on their sleeves,” she says. “They trade on observations, rather than a set of pre-planned jokes: Look at David Mitchell, Russell Howard, Louis CK – all three are genuinely funny dudes.” So effortlessly funny, in fact, that women are willing to pay money, just to listen to them speak.

What the girls say

• Malvika Rallan, 19, Delhi: “The guy should be cute, that’s very important. I’m a big sucker for chivalry. A little bit of chivalry goes a long way”
• Aashima Malik, 23, PR, Delhi: “The guy should be fun to hang out with. Shouldn’t be clingy and well should know the difference between chivalrous and clingy.”
• Mazhbeen Siganporia, 25, pilot, Mumbai: “Basic chivalry is must. Please pull the chair out. Please open the door. Be honest and be kind.”
• Janvi Turakhia, 19, dancer, Mumbai: “If a guy tries too hard, like be too obvious or cheesy about it – that’s when I’d want them to back off. It really irritates me.”
• Cantyle D’Abreo, 21, copywriter and designer, Mumbai: “My perfect man has to be athletic, intelligent, confident, has to have a great sense of humour and should claim to be good in FIFA.”
• Ashleysha, 21, Pune: “A guy should know how to behave. You can’t look at other women when you’re with someone.”
• Zaara Sheriff, 24, Mumbai: “There is no such thing as an ideal man. If someone has to please me – no chocolates or the flower drill please!”
• Maia Sethna, 22, model, Mumbai: “Well, I don’t have any specific type. But of late I have only been meeting the kinds with big arms, weird Chinese tattoos and fast bikes.”
• Pankhuri Awasthi, TV presenter, Mumbai: “The trouble magnets attract me the most. Someone with a hint of mystery maybe, but he also needs to be an intellectual and be able to hold a serious conversation.”
• Suzzane Roque, model, Bengaluru: “I think Indian guys are the hottest. In fact they are even hotter than the French. But they should really work out more.”
• Khushi Bhat, 21, model, Kashmir: “Guys approach me everyday, which may sound cool, but it gets irritating at times. I don’t like models! They have phaltu arrogance. A simple guy who’ll give me space is my ideal man.”
• Nasreen, model, Mumbai: “I would not go out with any dude in Friends. Ross is way too geeky, Chandler is a little too weird for my taste and Joey, well he’s definitely the best looking of the three, but is unbelievably dumb and a womaniser to boot. So even if I can turn him into a one-woman man, I can’t make him smart.”

From the December 2011 issue of FHM India.