How To Win Any Job!

Dream about spin-kicking your manager in the goolies? Wouldn’t you rather jump out of bed every Monday morning, bloody desperate to get to work? Then follow these priceless new mind tricks to convince your next employer that you’re the best man to hire…

You will need... some new clothes

Six out of every ten bosses admit that they won’t even listen to what you have to say because they think they can tell everything they need to know about you from your clothes. There is a way to play them at their own game, though – wear blue. A US study proved that men wearing something in this colour to interviews are instantly considered competent. Also, make sure your jacket makes your shoulders bigger. Scientists found that the bigger your top half looks, the more likely you are to get the job. Then do the following based on which industry you want to work in:

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A new suit

The outfit: The Posh Businessman Go for a double-breasted suit with a pale blue/white shirt, but don’t choose a tie until you’ve seen our scientific tie guide (right).

Some clever neckwear

Princeton Uni found that you’ve only got 1/10th of a second to make a decent first impression. But only two tie colours in the world will give off the right message…

The outfit: The Arty Type The hard part here is dressing up without outshining the scruffy bastard interviewing you. So wear a nice jacket (but not one taken off a suit as it won’t go) with a casual shirt or round-neck T-shirt. Then lie like a bastard about how brilliant you are.

The outfit: The Awesome All-Rounder If you’d rather circumcise yourself with a chainsaw than work in an arty environment, this one’s for you. Buy a slim-fitting Italian-style suit from a retail store that tends to rip off insanely expensive designer versions. Then – top tip – pay a local darzi to tailor it closely to your body shape. It’ll come back looking like a bespoke suit you’ve paid thousands for.

You will need... a new haircut

Don’t skimp on cutting your locks before the interview. Studies show that the more attractive you look, the better adjusted your interviewer will think you are…

The Steve McQueen: According to esteemed Savile Row barber Brent Pankhurst (pankhurstlondon.com), this is, “The greatest haircut of all time.”

The side-parting: “People say that having a left-hand-side parting means you’re gay,” says Pankhurst. “But, as far as I’m concerned, that’s a load of twaddle.”

The rock star barnet: Pankhurst’s right when he says long hair looks cool with the formality of a suit, but if the interviewer hates any sense of rebellion, your barnet may work against you. 65% of all job interview success is based on non-verbal communication. Misguided mental associations could work against you (in which case, fuck ’em – do you really want to work in that kind of environment anyway?).

A quick note on going bald

If you’re beginning to thin a little, don’t worry. Research shows that bosses couldn’t care less because they know that being a slaphead is out of your hands – unlike being a fat bastard, which bosses admit they correlate with laziness, stupidity and lack of self-control.

You will need... new shoes

Science has proved that ugly blokes with good shoes stand a better chance of getting hired than good-looking ones wearing a really crap pair. So get your footwear right to seal the deal…

• For posh business jobs, wear: Brogues
• For arty jobs, wear: Smart trainers
• For Awesome All-Rounder jobs, wear: Lace-ups

You will need... a handshake

Stepping into the interview room, what handshake should you deploy – and how do you do it?

Shake 1: The Bonecrusher

Puffing out your chest, thrust your hand all the way into his, then grip it like a stress ball. Look into his eyes – but not for too long, so he doesn’t know whether you’re really driven or just determined to suck the confidence out of his face. Do it just until he considers looking down at the floor. Then smile affectionately to release the tension in the room. Before whispering, “Fuckin’ pussy” almost inaudibly as you both sit down in your chairs. Gotta keep these corporate numbnuts on their toes, right?

Shake 2: The Wet Fish

Sylvester Stallone. Mike Tyson. Steven Seagal. You’d think when you hold your hand out to these guys, they’d rip your right arm out of its socket then shaft you with it. Not so. When FHM met all three of them, it was like shaking a very floppy piece of Atlantic salmon wrapped in a deli bag. Leaves the receiver feeling sexually violated.

Shake 3: The Fist Bump

Originated in 19th century America as a way for two baseball players to greet each other on the pitch, the four-knuckles-on-four-knuckles is now seen as the guy’s guy’s handshake. For added impact, add a fake explosion. Or waddle your two fingers over his fist like it’s a little man running – and… JUMP!

Shake 4: The Clasp

The classic handshake, but with your other hand brought in on the action, enfolding your target’s hand in a fleshy prison of fake tenderness. Also known as The Business Hug.

Shake 5: The High Five

Always look at your target’s elbow for accuracy. For bonus points, do the over-under, aka the Top Gun. Slap up top, then walk past each other in sync with your fellow high-fiver, then slap down below. Accept you’re both rad and move on. Or pretend you’re both in the final shot of an ’80s sports underdog movie. Scream, “FREEZE FRAME HIGH-FIVE!”, connect, then both just stare at each other for five seconds, mouths open and motionless, neither of you uttering a word.

The perfect handshake

It sets the tone for the entire relationship with your interviewer – but 70% of us admit we lack confidence to pull it off – so here’s how: Make sure you know how to properly pronounce the interviewer’s name. Offer him a complete grip followed by a firm squeeze, but don’t go over the top. Shake for no more than three seconds, keeping eye contact throughout. Think: “In five years, I will break you.”

You will need... to ace the interview

You’ve mastered the outfit. You’ve executed the perfect handshake. Now the really important bit…

Step 1: Prepare your answers beforehand so intensely it’s as if the interviewer had a shotgun to your girlfriend’s temple. One wrong answer and… BOOM. 66% of all interviewees who visualise their interviews and practice what they’re going to say over and over on the big day are hired within eight weeks.

Step 2: Turn up wearing glasses – even if you’ve got 20/20 vision Buy a cheap, smart pair with normal lenses. One in every three adults thinks people who wear spectacles look more professional – and 50% of all interviewers automatically reckon blokes in specs have superior intelligence.

Step 3: Don’t show up even seconds late 60% of all managers cite poor punctuality by an interviewee as an instant ‘no’. It’s like doing a wanker sign in their faces.

Step 4: Back up every point you make with facts One in every three men who go for a job interview talk complete bullshit about their achievements. Most of us also tell tiny lies on our CVs. It’s a big mistake. If the interviewer presses you on an answer slightly, you’ll be pushed into a corner and found out.

Step 5: Don’t take any calls from anyone during the interview. Not even, er, George Bush Most interviewers admit that should you answer your phone, no matter how urgent you claim the call is (“The baby’s dead”; “Your dad’s just been bummed by a wolf”), there’s no chance they’ll end up hiring you.

Step 6: Don’t take food or drink in with you 30% of all interviewers say they’d be appalled if you started slurping on a massive Frappe or wolfing down a Big Mac, whether you had time to eat your lunch or not.

Step 7: Don’t mention what a clueless tosser your last boss was 50% of bosses say if they heard a candidate mock a former line manager, it was an immediate no from them. Which is fair enough: not only does it make you seem two-faced – you’ve just given the interviewer good reason to think you’ll do the same thing to him.

Step 8: Follow up your interview with a thank you letter Five of every 100 men who attend a job interview post the interviewer a note of gratitude for their time. So just grit your teeth and send the interviewer one, even if doing so makes you feel like a slimy bastard. It’ll make you stand out from the other candidates.

The money question

85% of managers say it’s unacceptable for you to bring up pay if you’re responding to a job ad with a listed wage. However, there is some wiggle room…

1. Be upfront about it Put on your CV or covering letter that you’re looking for a certain salary. If they like what they see on the CV, they’ll still invite you along for an interview.

2. If you’re in the latter phase of the process, exploit it If you’ve been informed that you’re one of the last two candidates, the employer is likely to ask you what kind of wage you’re hoping for anyway. If not, push them on it.

3. Then ask for slightly too much money They say 25k, you say 35k. You both decide to settle on 30k.

You will need... an unstoppable CV

Putting together a great resume isn’t just a balancing act between self-fellatio and remembering your GCSE results. You must obey the following rules…

Do:

• Use a font that’s clear, but also stands out. As fonts go, Times New Roman stands out and it’s clear – but everyone uses it. Type up yours with Georgia instead. Whatever you do, don’t use the baby crayonesque Comic Sans or the curly-wurly Curlz MT which makes you look like you’ve written out your CV with a quill. They’re illegible, lack credibility and make you look like a registered sex offender.
• List your accomplishments. Not the everyday duties you carried out in various roles. Employers want to see how you took the role above and beyond and made it your own.
• Use power verbs. Words like “implemented”, “strengthened” and “arse-slammed” all make you sound like you know what you’re doing.
• Make yourself look like the solution to the company’s problem; the T-800 to protect their John Connor. If the job ad said it was looking for “someone dynamic”, make sure your CV has variations of this word throughout.
• Use maths to back up your achievements with percentages where possible. If you “increased productivity and kicked major arse”, by how much?
• Check that your referees know they’ve been included on your CV, or they’ll be ill prepared to give your future boss the big sell when he phones.
• Re-write your CV from scratch for every new job you apply to – you need to tailor it based on what the next sucker is hoping to read.

Don’t:

• Make spelling mistakes. 58% of managers say they despise this. No matter how great your achievements, they admit they’ll bin your CV.
• Feature a picture of yourself anywhere on the document. They’ve got plenty of time to discriminate against you during the interview.
• Write more than one page. Not even your Mum gives three pages worth of a fuck.
• Mention the following as qualifications and achievements: SATS results, swimming certificates, Xbox Live scores, nationwide fantasy football position, ability to breakdance-fight, that you once had a threesome.
• Wait longer than a week to hear back. If you’ve sent your CV to the company from an unrecognised email address, there’s a chance it may have been blocked as spam.

From the December 2011 issue of FHM India.