“I’d like to punch Spider-Man”: Sachin-Jigar

If you were asked to create a TV show what would it be about?

Sachin: I’d like to get into the day-to-day lives of mega stars like John Mayer and Rihanna. I’d like to know what they do when they’re not making music, and what goes on in their daily lives for them to come up with such lyrics. I’d like to see what goes into the making of these big stars. Jigar: Yes, and if that one show works, we’ll make another show about astronomy and going into space, and figuring out how to produce kids on Mars.

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You discover a beautiful island where you can be king. What’s the first rule you’ll put into place?

Sachin: I’d like to make it currency-free. We can go back to barter or whatever else suits the wise thinkers. But at least there’ll be no fight over money.

Jigar: First, I’ll unking myself and declare that this island will never have a king. Everybody do your own shit. Think about your own self. Anybody who wants to come here can live by his own rules, you are your own king. Just have fun.

If you could be a superhero which one would you be and why?

Sachin: Batman – to ride his Batmobile. Also, he's more macho than anyone else. I don't like Superman – he cries. Spider-Man also cries to his grandma and he feels that with great power comes great responsibility. They both keep sagging while Batman keeps killing it.

Jigar: I'm a very desi guy so I'd like to be Malegaon ka superhero. Food is my biggest love so my choice of superpower would be to just think and produce food for myself. Like, I just snap my fingers and pizza, pasta, or whatever else I want, appears then and there.

You can flip a switch that will wipe off any band or musical artist from the face of the earth. Your pick...

Sachin: Tahir Shah. We all feed on mediocrity and I don't want that any more.

Jigar: For me there are too many, so I'd be disrespectful to others if I don't name all of them. But ok… I'll say Justin Bieber.

Three songs you can’t believe were hits, given the lyrics…

Sachin: One song starts with the words ‘Re baba’. It goes like Re baba tumse milne ko dil karta hai. How can a lover address someone as Re baba! Then there's Tahir Shah's ‘Angel’. Given the ridiculous lyrics, I don't know how people can bear to listen to it. My third pick is Oonchi hai building/Lift teri band hai.

Jigar: My first pick is Jhalak dikhla ja/Ek baar aaja aaja aaja multiplied by 75 times. It was one real surprise for me that it was a hit. Also, Aaj blue hai paani paani paani. Then I wonder how one of our own songs worked. It's from a film called It's Entertainment.

Crazy would be an understatement – the lyrics are utter nonsense! Based on the Johnny Johnny nursery rhyme, the song goes like Johnny Johnny/Haanji/Tuney pee hai?/ Naaji. When we were making it also we were like it's such a stupid thing yaar. The producer had the concept so if we didn't do it somebody else would. Shit is

Hard choices: would you rather...?

... b e f o r g o tt e n o r r e m e m b e r e d w i t h h a t e ?

S a c h i n : B e f o r g o tt en . J i g a r : Y e a h . O u t o f h i s t o r y .

... b e b i tt e n b y a d o g o r s t ung b y a b ee ?

S a c h i n : S t un g b y a bee . J i g a r : T he s a m e .

... b e s t u c k i n a n e l e v a t o r f o r h o u r s w i t h D o n a l d T r u m p , R ak h i S a w a n t o r A r n a b G o s w a m i ?

S a c h i n : R ak h i S a w a n t . S he ’ s a s w ee t pe r s on . J i g a r : A r n a b G o s w a m i , ’ c o s I li k e deb a t e s t h a t don ’ t end . A nd I li k e h i s g u t s .

S a c h i n : Y e a h , he ’ s no t t h a t b a d o ff - c a m e r a .

... k n o w f o r s u r e w h o k ill e d J

F K o r w h a t r ea ll y h a pp e n e d t o M a r il y n M o n r o e ?

S a c h i n : W h a t h a ppened t o M a r il y n M on r oe . J i g a r : I r e c en t l y s a w a do c u m en t a r y a bou t t h i s m y s t e r y w o m a n w ho w a s c li c k i n g p i c t u r e s c on t i nuo u s l y t h r ou g h J F K ’ s a ss a ss i n a t i on . S o I de f i n i t e l y w a n t t o k no w t he t r u t h a bou t w ho k ill ed h i m a nd w h y .

... h a v e a b i r t h m a r k c o v e r i ng h a l f o f y o u r f a c e o r h a v e a t w o - f oo t t a i l ?

S a c h i n : T w o - f oo t t a il . J i g a r : B i r t h m a r k .

… b e t h e f i r s t t o f i nd p r oo f t h a t a li e n s e x i s t o r f i nd a c u r e f o r c a n c e r ?

S a c h i n : F i nd a c u r e f o r c a n c e r . W e don ’ t dope s o w e ’ r e no t i n t e r e s t ed i n U F O s .

J i g a r : C u r e f o r c a n c e r . I be li e v e a li en s e x i s t – w e don ’ t need p r oo f o f t h a t . T he r e ’ s enou g h e v i den c e . I g enu i ne l y f o ll o w a li en a r t a nd t he r e i s s t u ff t o s uppo r t t he f a c t t h a t a li en s e x i s t . T o a c e r t a i n l e v e l I t h i n k t he y m i g h t be a r ound , m i g h t be one o f u s .

... b e p a i n t e d b y V i n c e n t v a n

G o gh o r L e o n a r d o d a V i n c i ?

S a c h i n : L eon a r do d a V i n c i . J i g a r : S a m e he r e .

... b e s m a r t a nd un l u c k y o r du m b a nd l u c k y ?

S a c h i n : S m a r t a nd un l u c k y . S m a r t c a n m ak e h i s o w n l u c k . D u m b w on ’ t be a b l e t o a nd m i g h t a l s o l o s e h i s g ood l u c k .

J i g a r : I f I ’ m du m b a nd l u c k y I w on ’ t f ee l g ood . I f ee l t he s m a r t e r one need s t o g e t t he oppo r t un i t y .

... li e o r t e ll t h e t r u t h e v e r y t i m e y o u ’ r e a s ke d a qu e s t i o n?

S a c h i n : E v en t u a ll y t e ll t he t r u t h . J i g a r : T e ll t he t r u t h .

... d i e b y d r o w n i ng o r b y f i r e

S a c h i n : B y f i r e . J i g a r : B y d r o w n i n g , bu t i de a ll y i n s o m ep l a c e li k e M a l a y s i a w i t h w a t e r s r i c h i n unde r w a t e r li f e . I ’ d li k e t o s ee s o m e g ood s t u ff be f o r e I d i e .

Dark

Batman

Heat

Cooker

Night

Sexy

Drunk

Music

Snake

Bite

Hero

Salman Khan

Spill

The Truth

Rain

Love

Funny

Rahul Gandhi

Tattoos

String

Guitars

Naked

Truth

Shame

Apology

Guilt

Fight

Survivor

Winner

Pornography

Parental Guidance

Bubble Bath

Uzbekistan

Smell

Khichdi

Juice

Watermelon

Crush

So Many

Hate

Nobody

Scary

The Conjuring 2

Relief

Doctor

Poets

Can Kill

Dirty

Dancing

Marriage

Commitment

Chocolate

Anytime

Hurt

Attend

Cheating

Apology

Murder

Mystery gonna come out, so we thought it might as well come from us.

Who'd you really like to just punch in the face?

Sachin: Arvind Kejriwal. Too much proclaiming, he gets to me. I hate his muffler.

Jigar: We don't mind his policies. But there's no use of just blowing everything up. Just do your own thing instead of running after others. You're doing well so focus on that. Personally though, I'd like to punch Spiderman. Don't like him at all.

Sachin: Haan, daadi ke pallu main rota hai.

If you could have an unlimited lifetime supply of the beverage of your choice, it would be…

Sachin: Chhaas. Jigar: Masala chai.

If you could choose to be born in any period of history you like, what would it be?

Sachin: The 1980s. The best time for music ever. Jigar: The Stone Age. To rediscover everything.

If you could come back from the dead and haunt someone, who would it be?

Sachin: I'd like to haunt Bhushan Kumar and ask him to make a song and deliver it fast – the way he haunts us.

Jigar: I'd like to haunt my school-time girlfriend – not to scare the shit out of her but in a good way. I'd like to ask her: "What's the reason you left me?" Till today I have no clue as she dated a really stupid guy after me, so I'm still baffled by that.

Your views on modern love and dating...

Sachin: Love today lacks a punch. It reminds me of what Gulzar sahab had once said to me: "Yeh kya hai Facebook pe chhupke chhupke 'like' maarte raho aur friendship request bhejo aur phir yeh dekho ki kya hota hai. Hum jab kissi ladki ko pasand karte thhe to jaake use patate thhe".

Jigar: I don't think there's any more love left. It's all stupid. Everything is just for a certain reason.

Any two people from history – one man and one woman – you'd like to spend time with…

Sachin: Sardar Vallabhbhai Patel. The way he helped shape up India post-independence is truly admirable. I idolise him. Also, Lady Diana. I think she had immense character and personality, and was very compassionate. But at the same time, she had her share of sorrows that she fought with dignity. Would love to have a chat with her.

Jigar: I'd like to spend time with lyricist Anand Bakshi. He's one guy I genuinely miss in today's music scene because there's nobody who writes like him. He did even crap stuff with good taste.

Sachin: Yeah. He wrote Choli main dil hai mera/Yeh dil main doongi apne yaar ko.

Jigar: He was a terrific all-round musician. In fact, Anand Bakshi would also be the first person I'd want to meet in the afterlife. Coming to a woman from history that I'd like to meet, it would be Shivaji's mother, Jijabai. I'm really inspired by Shivaji and curious about his upbringing. I'll have to get into his mother's life to delve deeper into that. I want to know what was she thinking, reading, eating before she gave birth to him so that Shivaji could be the man that he became. I don't know what it must've taken for her to bring him up and to understand the mentality of this guy who's so kadak.

What’s something that you’ve always wanted to try but have been too scared to?

Sachin: Skydiving. I have major vertigo.

Jigar: Dating an actress. Always want to do it but will never do it. Too scared to.

From the August 2016 issue of FHM India.