Make Your Summer the Sexiest Ever

Woozy May days are all about chilling out, partying and having as much sex as possible before everyone puts their winter coats back on. FHM shows you how to supercharge your summer…

Get me to your party

Want ladies like Staci (right) to come to your summer shindig? We asked FHM UK Girlfriend Lois what you need to do to get her to come over:

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Forget about hiring a venue:

“House parties are always so much cooler than anything held in venues like a bar or a pub.”

Think about a theme:

“Like most girls, I love dressing up and themes that are out of the ordinary always intrigue me. For example, a bar near where I live did a zombie prom night and it was brilliant.”

Want me to come — but not that much:

“It’s always nice when someone really wants you to come to a party, but don’t get too pushy. Ask me once, not 15 times.”

Invite my mates:

“No offence, but no matter how cool you are, I am not going to come to your party unless my mates are going to be there too. So make sure you invite me and some friends rather than just me.”

Have live music:

“When bands play at a house party, it’s awesome. I far prefer listening to live music than a monotonous dance playlist.”

Provide cool booze:

“Parties that have free beer and cider are fine, but I’m far more interested when there are free vodka jellies and an experimental cocktail bar.”

Mix her one of these

Two words: beer cocktail. The fist-pumping, red-blooded joy of beer, combined with the high-heeled pizazz of a cocktail. We recommend knocking together a Shaky Pete’s Ginger Brew. Mix a few measures of gin with ginger syrup and lemon juice. Top it off with a good bitter. Serve with ice. The result is a refreshing kick up the backside.

Invite her to a sausage-fest

Meat master Tim Hayward, author of Food DIY, knows how to treat a sausage. “The trick to grilling sausages is to keep all the juices inside the skin, not dripping into the flames,” he says. “Massage your bangers with a little olive oil and cook them slowly, away from the direct heat. Keep rolling them. The intention is to achieve an even tan. Burn marks or grill lines look good on TV commercials, but nobody has to eat those sausages. I’m a fundamentalist. People who shove them on forks and blacken their outsides thoroughly deserve the trots they’ll get from the uncooked interior. If you really want to stab it or stick things in it, it’s a free country, but we can no longer be friends.”

Swap R’n’B for this

Party DJ supremo Raf Daddy from dance duo The 2 Bears recommends ditching the R Kelly-based soundtrack for something more original. “Try Bedroom Mazurka by Augustus Pablo and Fay,” he advises. “It’s the Jamaican equivalent of Serge Gainsbourg’s Je T’aime, so it’s Pablo twiddling away and some couple talking mucky to each other. Also Body Good, a track by Toddla T with vocals from Timberlee, is a slow and sexy dancehall number. She’s basically telling her man he’s got to work a bit harder if he wants her to give up her ‘pum pum’. And Cody Chesnutt’s whole album The Headphone Masterpiece is all about sex and mad relationships.”

Only buy this speaker: ₹37,360, Libratone

Ask her friend to stay over

Threesomes: the glistening, 12-limbed Holy Grail of sexiness. Think they only happen to billionaire playboys and weird, middle-aged swingers? Wrong. “Getting a girl to agree to a ménage à trois isn’t as unlikely as you would imagine,” says Chrystal Rose, author of Unfaithfully Yours: Confessions Of A Cheating Bitch. “Firstly, when it comes to choosing your ‘third wheel’, the more remote a connection, the better. It’s difficult for girls to come into contact with someone their boyfriend has had sex with. It’s also important to make your girlfriend understand it’s not just ‘a threesome’, it’s a threesome with her. Girls love to make their boyfriend’s fantasies come true — as long as the fantasy involves them. And make sure you pay the most attention to her. Or there will be trouble.”

Flout the hosepipe ban

Because life’s too damn short to worry about how many cubic metres of water you’re wasting.

Only buy this paddling pool: ₹4,250, ebay.in

Take it outside

Outdoor sex is fun sex — and always memorable. “I recently had sex on a beach in Mexico,” says FHM’s Staci. “It was pretty hot. Obviously being a bit drunk helps and I’d definitely recommend taking some kind of lilo — it’s bouncy and stops sand getting everywhere. Oh, and make sure you really are alone. We had the Mexican coastguard turn up, flashing torches. I had my clothes back on in seconds.”

Say all the right things

Relationships expert and couples’ sex toy designer Tracey Cox tells us what subjects to avoid when things get raunchy…

1. “You know, Charlotte used to be able to get her foot behind her head.”

“No woman wants to hear your ex-girlfriend’s name in the bedroom, especially when it’s any kind of comparison. Talk about your current lady and her alone.”

2. “You’re just so bootylicious!”

“Never, ever criticise any of your girlfriend’s body parts and never, ever use the word ‘fat’ within 500ft of the bedroom. Any kind of remote criticism, even if you mean well, is going to be blown out of all proportion if it’s mentioned during sex.”

3. “I’m sorry, I didn’t… wait. Is that OK? No? Sorry.”

“Constantly apologising in the bedroom is really off-putting. You’re having sex, not hosting a dinner party. If something doesn’t go to plan, don’t get hung up on it, as it’ll make you seem needy. Being needy is the biggest turn-off.”

4. “Do you reckon that chicken is marinated yet?”

“Stay on topic. It takes women a while to reach full arousal, but only a millisecond to send her straight back to square one. Keep going and say nothing else until she tells you to stop.”

5. “I love you so, so much.”

“Sex is often about lust, not love, so tell us how badly you fancy us and want to make us orgasm, not how much you love us and want to have children with us.”

Snap the sexy

Nadia King, 25, regularly photographs the planet’s hottest women for FHM. Pay close attention to her tips on how to get the hottest pictures of your gal pal on your camera phone…

Sexy silhouette:

“Position her in front of a window. Camera phones are pretty crap with light, so it will over-expose the window and give you a classy silhouette. Even if it’s not what you want to happen, it’ll look sexy.”

In the shade:

“If it’s super-sunny outside, it’s far more flattering to put your subject in the shade. That way you don’t get all those harsh shadows under the eyes.”

Go up high:

“Shoot from above. It will be more cleavagey, for a start. You can get away with shooting models from below — they know how to pose — but other people will end up with a double chin.”

Only buy this camera: ₹65,809, Fujifilm

Old-school games still rule

Video games are great and everything, but while it’s hotter than Satan’s balls outside you should not be forcing your guests to watch you play BioShock Infinite, even if the ending is going to “totally blow everyone’s mind”. Bust out the croquette set instead (girls not included).

Have a sexy book club

Fifty Shades Of Grey proved that girls aren’t prudish when it comes to losing themselves in a sex-soaked novel. Why not leave The Victoria System — Eric Reinhardt’s lusty-but-clever book about the innermost desires of men and women — lying about the place?

Mind with the cosmos

“If you want to impress with your stargazing knowledge, forget apps, as they tend to be unreliable,” says Robin Scagell, author of Night Sky Atlas. “Instead try Stellarium, a piece of downloadable software that gives you a very realistic view of the sky. Study this, then go outside, look up and try to spot a constellation like The Plough, which is easy to find, so you have a landmark to navigate from. Impressive things to point out right now are the extremely bright star Vega, which is almost directly overhead, and the Milky Way, which is running more or less from horizon to horizon until October.”

Pimp your ice-cream sundaes

“Toast some walnuts or pecans in a frying pan, add a little sugar, and you’ll get sticky toasted nuts,” says Ashish Saggar, boss of posh London ice-cream parlour Comboco. “Or make a fruit compote by washing some berries, putting them in a pan with a little water and simmering. Add some sugar to taste, then some herbs — mint with strawberries, or black pepper to give spice.”

Take your cues from these guys

Someone’s got to say it: Ryan Gosling’s character in The Notebook was a wussy pretty boy. We recommend you take your cues from these movie bad-asses instead:

Ferris Bueller (Ferris Bueller’s Day Off)

“Life moves pretty fast… if you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.” There lies the attraction of Mr Bueller. His seize-the-day attitude is catnip to the ladies.

Peter Venkman (Ghostbusters)

Venkman had a bone-dry wise-crack for every single occasion. Who could possibly resist the quick-fire chat, witty comebacks and the swagger of a man that really was afraid of no ghost?

Frank Bullitt (Bullitt)

The original strong, silent hardman, and he’s wearing a polo neck. OK, it’s summer, but some sacrifices are worth it, so channel his enigmatic charm. A raised eyebrow here and there goes a long way.

Lose the trousers

Throw away that belt, strip off those clammy pantaloons and set your legs free. Everyone’s a bit more approachable when they’re not wearing trousers. That’s just science.

Definitely make pancakes for breakfast

“Cooking pancakes is simple,” assures Italian food kingpin Aldo Zilli. “Get two eggs, 120g of plain flour and 300ml of milk. Mix them in a bowl until your finger emerges coated in batter when you dip it in. When this happens you have the right consistency. Now peel a potato, dip it in oil and rub it around the pan (the starch in the potato helps the pancake), before heating the pan to a really hot temperature. Pour in the batter and cook for a couple of minutes on each side. Want to go the extra mile? Do what I do in my restaurant: cut the pancake into strips that look a little bit like tagliatelle, deep-fry them and then serve them with some ice cream. Fabulous.”

Only buy this maple syrup: ₹1200, zansaar.com

Learn these two amazing sex tricks

“One trick that I love to do to other girls and then have done back to me is this: suck on her clit and, as you do so, flick the tip of it with your tongue. Using a finger or two at the same time will keep her coming back for more — especially if you can find her G-spot.”

Skin Diamond, porn star

“If a lady’s lower belly area is relaxed, her vagina will respond and become soft, open and welcoming too. So if you massage a girl’s lower belly in slow, clockwise circles with a flat hand for a while during foreplay, you’ll notice the results when it comes to the sex.”

Kavida Rei, tantric-sex author

Serve up a decent cup of coffee

Forget decent — try Watapi coffee that comes from prestigious BR Hills in Karnataka. Grown in perfect harmony with nature, it tastes - Clean, fairly sweet, slightly bitter and the aftertaste, acidic with fruity notes. Buy it from theindianbean.com

From the May 2014 issue of FHM India.