Master the basics of love

As with so many things in life, Fifty Shades Of Grey is to blame. When E.L. James’ series of pervy novels became a zeitgeist-straddling porno phenomenon, a new fear descended over the men of Britain. What if it was no longer enough to be quite good at sex? What if, in light of the raunchy sado-sex revolution exploding all around, we had to become bullwhip-wielding, sneering fuckmasters of the universe to cut it in the bedroom?

Girls, it was decided, were no longer interested in supermarket own-brand lovemaking. Does the bottom draw of your bedside table contain nipple clamps, a ball gag and an economy-sized vat of EZ-Glide lube? No? Then get back to the ’50s, you buttoned-up weirdo! The world’s moved on. You probably don’t even like fisting.

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Thankfully, this turned out to be a load of tosh. At FHM we compel you to (carefully) put down the rubber drildo and rediscover the basics of love and sex. Because what good is a latex bukkake dungeon if you aren’t able to spoon your lovely girlfriend afterwards?

We asked romantic woman Stevie Martin to come together (giggle) with comedian Naz Osmanoglu and renowned relationships expert James Preece to devise a guide to the fundamentals of romance. The stuff that we, as a civilisation, are in danger of forgetting.

How to undo a bra

Girls can effortlessly do it one-handed, behind our backs, so how hard can it be? Apparently, quite hard.

“They are too niche for their own good – like hipsters,” says Naz Osmanoglu. “Very difficult to open in one fluid hand motion. Why not buttons? Or a toggle? Even a sandwich bag zip would be easier. Or cufflinks. It’s basically alien technology that requires a thumb scan and loads of awkward pissing about.” More helpful is James’s advice for nailing it in one: “Just put your thumb and forefinger either side of the clasp and squeeze. Use both of your hands, as she won’t be able to see what you’re up to anyway.”

How to give a massage

This strikes fear into most humans, but all you need to do is watch a YouTube tutorial and maybe practice on a dog or something. “Get them to relax, light a candle and play some relaxing music to get them in the mood,” suggests James Preece. “Move your hands slowly and gently, easing away any tension. The best place to start is the shoulders, neck and back, moving your way down.”

If she says ‘ARGH’ then move to a different area.

How to get on with her friends

If you don’t make the effort with her mates, you’re not making an effort with her, and she’ll think you're a dick. “You need to get them on your side as they'll be the ones she talks to when you have problems,” says James, sagely. “Make them laugh, buy them drinks and above all, show them you like her. Ask your girlfriend about them every now and again and accept invitations when you know they will be there, even if you don't want to.” And most of the time, you won't want to. Because other people’s friends are crap.

Three friends every girl has

The ‘fun’ one

Her mate from uni that appears to be the source of every anecdote involving tequila, rugby players and vomiting in cabs. In spite of yourself, you’ll actually be jealous of her. How to win her over: Get in the ’bucas (even if it is Monday).

The tragic one

For whatever reason, ladies tend to have one girl mate who is perpetually unlucky in love and always in need of a two-hour WhatsApp pep talk. How to win her over: You need to become her gay best friend, without being gay. Unless you want. Whatever.

The solid-gold bezzie

They’ve been friends since infant school and appear on each other’s Facebook feeds in every other photo. How to win her over: Do everything in your power to endear yourself to her, short of transferring £10,000 into her bank account.

How to surprise her

If you organise a surprise weekend away, a meal, picnic, trip to a petting zoo, or literally anything, then you get roughly 40,000 romance points. Basically, pick something you’ve seen in a typically romantic film and emulate it. Get one of her mates to check she’s free, figure out her movements and, yeah it sounds a bit creepy, but no girl ever said: “He surprised me with a romantic gesture this weekend, what an absolute prick.”

How to ask for her number

Both of you know that the underlying message is ‘I want to bone you big time’, but there’s no way round it. “This is difficult,” says Naz. “Which is weird because in life we get asked to fill out our contact details all the time. Maybe it would feel more natural if you gave her a form to fill out.”

Do: Ask for it in a casual way, like it’s no big deal. Joke that you are saving her into your contacts under ‘enigmatic brunette’…

Don’t: Immediately call the number she’s just given you while she’s stood there, ‘just to make sure’. Tell her she’s going into your phone under the name ‘Richard’ because of your ‘psycho, girlfriend’.

How to kiss

Not. Too. Hard. Thank you. “Don’t just go in for the kill unexpectedly,” says James. “Take it very slowly and let her moans, hands and reactions guide you as to how it’s going.” Also, don’t try to lick her oesophagus.

The biggest kissing gripes

We asked all the girls we know what their biggest gripes are when it comes to men kissing. Here’s their top five:

• 5 Not using hands at all
• 4 Keeping eyes open (creepy)
• 3 Stubble rash
• 2 Too tight-lipped
• 1 Excessively forceful tongue

How to stay romantic

All couples fight, but it’s what you do afterwards that really makes or breaks your romance credentials. If you’ve been a dick, say sorry. If she’s been a dick, say you’re sorry you argued and hopefully that will encourage her to say sorry. Immediately suggest something nice to do in the near future like going to dinner. Or abseiling. Done.

How to spoon

“What happens when the sex is over, you’re spooning and you realise your drummer wants to do another solo?” worries Naz. Presuming that’s a metaphor, boners are fine during spooning provided you reference them (there is nothing worse than unreferenced wood), otherwise neither of you will sleep because you’re both wondering if you’re about to have sex again. If you want it, say. If you don’t, then make a joke about your boner. Then have a spoony sleep. “Girls love spooning,” says James. “Spoon them while they fall asleep and you’ll come across as protective and deepen your bond.”

How to follow up a date

Do: Send her a funny text message a few hours later.

Don’t: Ask her out over text and, when you don’t get an immediate reply, tell her she’s a ‘stuck-up clown’ who has ‘blown it forever’.

When to hold her hand

Unless she’s explicitly asked you not to, hold her hand at every available opportunity. Even if you’re on fire. It’s the easiest thing in the world, unless neither of you have hands.

How to write love letters

Or, indeed, this could be a love email, extended WhatsApp, or particularly intimate text. “It’s tough without it sounding like a silly joke, or worse, a piece of evidence to be used in court,” says Naz. “If you say, ‘Your eyes are so beautiful, give them to me’, things can get dark quickly.” James advises, “Avoid cheesy poems or anything that might suggest it’s a joke. Treat it seriously and talk about the things you might do in the future. She’ll start to imagine you being a big part in it.”

The greatest openings to love letters of all time

“We get old and get used to each other. We think alike. We read each other’s minds.” – Johnny Cash to June Carter

“Time passes swiftly, but is it not joyous to see how great and growing is the treasure we have gathered together.” – Winston Churchill to wife Clementine

“My love has made me selfish. I cannot exist without you – I am forgetful of everything but seeing you again.” – John Keats to

his neighbour Fanny Brawne – “You don’t realise of course, how fascinatingly beautiful you have always been.”

How to impress her dad

“You never know whether to go in hard or try the more sensitive approach. And it’s a constant struggle not to blurt out, ‘Oh, by the way, I’m boffing your daughter’,” says Naz, king of parent charming. Look, just be polite and don’t try too hard. If sweat drips into your eyes and blinds you, turn it down a notch. “Be as respectful as possible and try to find mutual interests to talk about,” says James. “This could be sports, holidays, television shows or hobbies. Play it safe. And definitely avoid sarcasm wherever possible.”

How to set the mood

Smooooth producer and DJ extraordinaire Budgie on the tracks you need lined up and ready to go the first time she stays over…

Mint Condition Breakin’ My Heart (Pretty Brown Eyes)

This one is tried and tested. A good one to let her know how you feel, whatever the colour of her eyes.

Lil’ Louis Do U Luv Me

If she’s sick of all the slushy R&B and wants something a little more up tempo, this one is perfect. And still sweet enough to melt a raver girl’s heart.

BJ The Chicago Kid Good Luv’n

Honestly, this guy’s the only person making these kind of songs nowadays and actually doing them justice.

Teena Marie Turnin’ Me On

You can file this one with the BJ song above. Great to get down to. RIP to the great Lady Tee.

Wee I Think I Am In Love With You

This one is for the more sophisticated lady. You can really impress her with your musical knowledge. Don’t forget to tell her you have a copy of the £1,000 OG vinyl pressing at your parents’ crib.

Deborah Cox Nobody’s Supposed To Be Here

This list wouldn’t be right without a straight-up slow jam. In the 1990s’ R&B canon, this hangs a little left of centre, but is still guaranteed to make your lady weak at the knees.

How to ask her to be your girlfriend

“It’s hard,” says Naz. “‘Going out’ just seems so childish; ‘Do you wanna date?’, too American. ‘Wanna hang out?’ is too vague. ‘You, me, exclusive sex?’ To be fair, this one is quite good. ‘Would you like to skip and hold hands and roll around in hay and frolic all fucking day long?’ Too mental. ‘Could I borrow your copy of Das Boot?’ has worked for me in the past, but there's a limited amount of times you can really use this.” Just say ‘D’ya reckon I can refer to you as my girlfriend now?’ in a jokey kind of accent to mask any awkwardness. Nothing like a Jamaican patois to distract her from your feelings (unless you’re Jamaican, in which case go Cockney).

From the July 2015 issue of FHM India.