Mistress Of Vices: Paranormal Activity

When my month starts with hearing the proclamation, “Show me a beautiful woman and I’ll show you a man tired of fucking her,” I know I’m in for some revelations. And then when a divine (supposedly single) man from out of town says he’s willing to try long distance for me, I raise an eyebrow and scoff. So there’s no need to tell you which one of the above statements is bullshit right? Ya, unfortunately the common “true lies” propagated either by both sexes or started for the benefit of the opposite sex are coming undone faster than Governor Arnie’s virtues. And we all know how threadbare that was to begin with.

Someone’s let the cat out of the bag and our games are no longer a secret. What is the world coming to when you can’t even use a time-trusted spiel to win the tug of war that is heterosexual dating! A girl now knows you are lying about your boy’s night out at the bar, which was actually at the strip club. Tragic isn’t it? Maybe it’s a cue to re-strategise and simplify. Learn from the homosexual mandate – straightforward and to the point. They know what they want and they get it. I have so many gay friends who make the most promiscuous of straight men (and me) seem like amateurs and considering their numbers, it’s a fairly shocking discovery. By now you’re probably squirming wondering if I’m going to go into details. Relax, I won’t. Let’s just say if we all stopped pretending and spoke the truth, we’d get a lot more quality as well as quantity. Instead we choose to act nonchalant and coy.

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By and large, we are all hypocrites. Our instincts are to always stay in character and never reveal our cards till we know we are winning the hand. It’s that kind of inbred stupidity that makes women think they can change men. Also known as the ‘rescue syndrome’, it makes us believe the bad boy or playboy we can’t help but desire will mend his ways for us. Or we can save him from his demons and make him better for it. So when a girl tells you she likes you the way you are, run in the opposite direction. She’s getting ready to turn you into her perfect version of you. It’s motivated by the same reasons that make men lie – Pretense.

I’m sharing this insight because I admire the innovative ideas men come up with. Pity women lack your kind of imagination. I mean whoever discovered the thumb rule – The crazier the chic, the better she will be in bed was a genius. Female counterparts on the other hand still use the carrot and stick strategy to weigh in everything. For no matter how complicated and “layered” we seem to be, we’re quite generic in our actions. Just like men, we love the chase, but we love the attention more. Once the race is won and the attention starts weaning, so does our peeked interest. This is the universal equaliser that binds both teams together. The only difference is men play it as a sport and women plot it like a game.

There are exceptions, but all they do is mess up the ranks. Every once in a while when a lady goes against the norm to ask and get what she wants without qualms, the rules get overturned. Cos’ men don’t date chicks that are sorted, independent and confident. You pick the ones who make you want to pull your hair out, but will give in now and then and more importantly, will need you to be the knight in shining armour. Yup, those are the girls you can take back home to mum. While the outspoken types who don’t make you run around in circles get relegated to the ‘Fuck buddy’ or ‘The good friend who is not right for me’ status. If you think I’m wrong about this, analyse the last three girls you dated and a majority of you will realise it. And it’s not as if women fare any better. We will walk all over a man who shows vulnerability or the willingness to let his guard down too soon.

In all honesty, women will never take to a guy who follows us around like a puppy. Sure we want you to hang on our every word and fulfill our whims at a moment’s notice, but we don’t want you to be clingy, overprotective or whiney. I’ve asked atleast a dozen girlfriends this question and they’ve all sheepishly agreed across demographics, types and IQ’s – We want our men to be men.

See how easy this really is – Men don’t want women who intimidate them and ladies prefer gentlemen who take charge. Yet we all go around making things complicated. But this is the decade where monogamy has become optional, roles are getting mixed up and ‘Not tonight honey, I have a headache’ doesn’t cut it anymore. So whether you’re in it for the long haul or the short term and regardless of how you choose to play, the time has come to admit that things are set to change.

From the June 2011 issue of FHM India.