Mistress: Trouble Always Knocks Twice

Basement parking lots are perfect for many things especially when they are deserted, but testing out your high kick isn’t one of them. I’m also told it’s a very un-ladylike thing to do if you’re wearing a dress. Regardless of that lesson learnt, I had convinced myself that just because enough women aren’t shown kicking arse onscreen (without playing to stereotypes), didn’t mean I couldn’t either. I’m not saying I harbour any desire to become a ninja warrior, but every girl must know self-defense basics. And I mention it as fair warning to all men reading this. Especially you who constantly makes digs at the Slut Walk, but well let’s not get into that for now.

Of course I believed I was getting quite good until I saw Saoirse Ronan rough up more men than you can find in a bar on ladies night, starring in and as a very ballsy Hanna. That’s when I humbly gave up my combative ambitions and went back to the stimulated sequences of the newly enrolled Muay Thai class. But I do admit there’s something oddly powerful in executing a perfect blow and I’m beginning to understand (and perhaps envy) the male testosterone fuelled penchant for it. No I’m not going around leaving a trail of black and blue behind me. I just wanted to put it out there since much to my chagrin, girls don’t really play mock wrestling and fight club growing up. Never mind that this generalisation is about as much a cliché as some wisecrack TV executives’ insights on the real Indian men (read a rant on it from our resident real Indian man).

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So now I might as well ask you, my kinda man aka the FHM reader – if you find a girl who can get a good shot or two in, would you consider that off putting? When this question was posed to friends, colleagues and even random strangers at a party; they all had a different take with some surprisingly shocking reactions preceded by raised eyebrows and that ‘Is she joking’ look. It’s impossible to categorise them into neat little boxes, but as per general consensus, there were some who found it offensive and seriously twisted and then there was the lot that found it sort of appealing. I’m guessing the latter is the kind who are into S&M and don’t mind being whipped either… Before you take offense, know that I kid. I love a man who can handle a powerful woman. And trust me, there aren’t many of those.

But even without honing my Bruce Lee aping skills, turns out its counter-productive to try and stay out of trouble when you embody every vice known to humankind (and get paid for writing about it so shamelessly). It’s all around us – from that woo-hoo girl who urges you to have another shot to the friend who convinces you that dine & dash is fun. Each of us has our own trouble magnet and a majority of us thrive on the thrill because it feeds our dark side. And yes, everybody has one. A small fragment of that behaviour is displayed in the somewhat eschewed but unflinching Shaitan. Mr Kashyap’s gut busting and deliciously bad characters each personify a different sin from anger to jealousy and greed to lust. They hint at these traits early on, but it’s when difficult situations arise that their defenses break down.

Real life is much like that. There’s always something brewing to make us boil over and act out. For most, it passes by in an uncharacteristic frenzy. But for others like me, it’s an ongoing internal struggle. You see I inherited the cult of anger or wrath (as it’s called) as my primogeniture from immediate male ancestors. On most days, I’m both the master and the servant in my very own domain of anger because sometimes I control it and on other instances, it has a hold over me. And nothing, I do mean nothing gets me going more than a man who cheats.

Considering my audience, I’m sure you agree with the ‘to each his own’ policy. But when a man challenges my already easy sense of morality, I’m left perplexed and turning all shades of red and I don’t mean the happy, blushing kind. If you read this column regularly, you might recall the out of towner who had proclaimed he would gladly do the faithful long distance thing (as if that’s not an oxymoron in itself). I called him on it and for good reason because on a trip to said guy’s city, I found out he not only had a girlfriend but also a reputation for picking up trophies in every state he frequented for work. Now unless he’s a closet Mormon with a dying legacy, I didn’t see a reason for the lie.

Next time listen to that instinct that tells you when a girl’s bluffing or the sorts just looking for someone to buy her an LV cos’ it’s always right. It might also save you the trouble of having to waste an awesome upper cut without anyone else except the one on the receiving end there to witness it - Drat! And remember there’s no point in bullshitting a bullshitter.

P.S: The writer of this piece does not condone violence. We do however like getting even. Revenge is sweet!

From the July 2011 issue of FHM India.