No, Not Bond

Could it be? Could Quantum of solace be the last Bond Film ever made? Would we have to do with mopey action heroes who insist on talking about their feelings now? Now mourning our favourite spy - not you Austin - shut up and sit down.

Damn them! Damn those rascals! May flesh eating bacteria play hop scotch in their privates! May they lose their hair in clumps the day they have a date with a super-model. May they be caught in the moment while peeing in a public rest room.

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They deserve that. Those dark suited, cold hearted executives who calmly walked up and yanked the plug out of the wall – they deserve that and more. For killing our favourite spy – monsieur Bond. You’ll be missed sir. Dearly.

True men don’t cry. But this whole last month has been a roller coaster of bad news – Latin America’s exit from the world cup triggered it and then the final blow – Bond has been iced, axed, sent out to a retirement home. Sometimes men do cry. This still wasn’t that day. But we did get sad.

As much for the condonable act, as for how it was actually carried out. The man on the street, the guy who handed Bond the keys to his Aston, the guy who fixed him his patent drink; especially the guy who fixed him his drink. All but Bond knew his time was up – kind of like Marquez’s Chronicles of a Death Foretold.

But it was his end that really really sucked. He didn’t die trying to land a plane without landing gear or engines; or averting a nuclear disaster in the service of the crown and the queen. One of those suits (may maggots play hopscotch in their privates) just walked up and yanked a plug out of a wall.

MGM was cash strapped, we all knew; but Bond 23 shooting was still on, things would go on, and we sought relief in that. Not so much anymore. Those fellas at MGM are shit broke; to make matters worse no one wants to buy them. The Hobbit, the other title they hold the rights to, too isn’t going anywhere in a hurry. Can you really blame people for not starting a bidding war? They had the mother of all video libraries that they sold way back in 2005 and Bond and the dark suits on their back is about all that they have to offer. They cant even lend their busty secretaries for FHM for a shoot - they left long ago..

Bond 23 was supposed to release in 2011/12. It was supposed to be directed by Sam Mendes; was supposed to star Olga Kurylenko – the first time a bond girl was returning. It was supposed to be the third movie for Craig; it was supposed to be the last movie for Judy Dench as ‘M’. Only the cursed ‘Supposed’ remains now.

As you are reading this,the set of the last Bond film has been long wrapped up, the chairs returned to MGM’s bankrupt go-downs. So? Why is this column so late? Mighty sensitive of you. We’ve been in mourning…you are familiar with the concept – I suppose?

It’s a bloody shame. He was the last of the all male action heroes – a good looking rascal (yes even we say it) bedding women by the dozens, drinks and gambles; drives a sex on toast car and doesn’t insist on talking about his feelings (phew!).

What about Bourne? You ask. Well, for starters he rarely ever wears a suit; plus that dude has some massive issues. The only villains are fat FBI suit wearing docs… no exotic villains, no shark tanks, no secret underwater bases- nothing! Blech! True, Daniel Craig did battle the ghost of his ex in Casino Royale, but he was getting some. And he was getting some A LOT.

And that’s what we like to see in our heroes none of that whole sensitive bullshit, the internal fight about the good vs evil. No bloody sexual ambiguity about which way he swings unlike the gentlemen who wears his red chaddies over his blue tights (ick –again how many movies did he go without getting laid?). Then there’s of course Gotham’s cave dweller with the supercar, a billionaire alter ego and a ‘partner’.

We love Bond for the same reason those ones in the West have gone off him. We love his theatrics, the fact that he’s as larger than life as he is, we envy his gadgets, we revel in his romps. We love knowing who the villain is and we’re as sure of Bond coming back alive as we are of him getting into a married woman’s pants.

Exhibit A: Vesper: Religion and a securely packed door... am I going to have a problem with you Bond?

Bond: No don’t worry, you’re not my type.

Vesper: Smart?

Bond: Single

We love the open admissions. We Indians might be humping like bunnies, and doing the neighbour’s wife, but this is still stuff that makes us go haww. Karan Johar will jolly well agree.

Now don’t get us wrong – some of the Bond flicks have been pretty awful –something I learnt last month thanks to Star Movie’s marathon of 17 Bond Movies; but the fact is you’d still sit down to watch. True, it wouldn’t be too extreme if we said George Lazenby was the worst Bond, but then he did one flick (On her Majesty’s Service) and in defence of the poor soul, he did have big shoes to fill – Sean Connery’s.

Connery incidentally is my favourite Bond followed by Brosnan. Craig hang me for saying this but seems a bit too much of a ruffian.

Connery is the one who made Bond what we know him as today – the suave seducter, the sneaky spy and the killer in From Russia with Love, a movie some of the Bond cannon feel is the best ever. There were of course others like Roger Moore, even Dalton who played a serious Bond; if you ignore the fact that he was called Timothy. The second on the list of course was Brosnan – we were kids who ran home from school looking forward to Remington Steele and WWF. It wasn’t even a question.

But in the end did the script writers foresaw the end. Now that we think about it teary eyed – maybe they did. We were trawling through our database of Bond dialogues and found this from Casino Royale.

M: maybe I made a mistake by giving you “OO” status...

Bond: As I realise 00s have a short life expectancy, so maybe your mistake will be short lived.

From the August 2010 issue of FHM India.