Secrets HR Managers Keep

1. Do you have favourites?

Absolutely yes. While we would like to treat everyone equal, it doesn’t happen like that. We mostly manage to get things done quicker for people whom we like than those with whom we share cold shoulder. It pays to get along with us.

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2. Do you have spies?

Not necessarily spies, but yes, there are a few people who will tell us everything that we are not supposed to be told.

3. Do you guys make fun of the resumes?

What do you expect us to do if people mention their hobbies like playing cricket and watching television. We even eat on it.

4. Do you guys monitor our social media activities?

If you are asking me if Facebook or Twitter can cost you your job, yes it can if you bitch about the company’s policy on your wall or you are suddenly befriending people from our competitors’ companies.

5. Do you genuinely fight for yearly appraisals with the management?

Management already has a set budget for appraisals, which is not gonna change no matter how no matter how much we fight, the budgets won’t change. So, while we do put up a good fight, we know management won’t surrender. Also, the fact remains – even if you give an employee a hundred percent hike, he will still crib like someone else in the office who just had to be content with 7-8% hike. We become the devil because we are the one who communicate the decision.

6. What logic do you apply while deciding who should be given the pink slip?

Primarily performance, but even an excellent performer can lose his job to an average performance if the former’s boss or management doesn’t like him on a personal note. Even if your boss says that he wanted you to stay, chances are very high that he is the one who got you sacked.

7. Men think that female candidates are given preference over male candidates. True?

Yes, it’s true. We are often asked to give priority to a less deserving, but good- looking girl. Even when there are no vacancies, female candidates are called for interviews just because a certain powerful man wants to get close to her.

8. Are long paid leaves meant to be taken?

Technically yes, but when you go on a long holiday, someone else starts doing your job, and after a point of time, you become replaceable. There have been instances where ladies have been sacked during maternity leaves, and people have been sent flyers while they are holidaying asking them not to return.

9. Do you usually have a list ready of people you would want to get rid off if the need arises?

It’s not saved on our hard disk, but yes, we mostly know who we would want to retain in a critical situation.

10. And how do we know that we are on that list or not?

Poor performers know it already. If the company plans to get rid of some of its star performers, it might shift them to vertical where they can’t perform, or they’ll suddenly be barred from meeting that they would usually attend and basically they’ll be so cornered that they leave themselves.

11. How should we know that we have cleared an interview or not?

If we are really interested in a candidate, we would quiz him about date when they can join, expected salary, designation and job responsibilities. Else, we will say, “ Will let you know in a few days.” That’s our polite way of saying, “ fuck off.” After a week of your interview, if we tell you that we are still processing your resume, it certainly means that we are looking at better people.

12. What are the things that lead to someone’s selection?

First the salary, then the person who has recommended you and thirdly your past performance.

13. Why the salary structure is so complicated?

Because we don’t want to pay you as much as you think you will be paid.

14. Does ageism exists?

Obviously yes.

15. So you document people’s data?

It automatically gets stored on the server, and when we need it we do use it.

16. Do the egos ride high?

One of our friends got sacked just because he wouldn’t find his boss’s jokes funny, so you can sense how important it is to not hurt someone else’s ego.

17. Are those job ads real?

Mostly not. Market is such that even if there are vacancies, we don’t hire people to save extra money. We have an upper hand because everyone is ready to put in extra hours to save their asses.

From the October 2012 issue of FHM India.