It’s amazing what a Porsche key ring, a few bottles of Piz Buin and a magnum of Champagne sprayed willy-nilly can do to give off the impression you’ve come into some money.
01. “I’VE WON THE LOTTERY”
Have you ever noticed how the richer people are, the more free stuff they get? It’s amazing what a Porsche key ring, a few bottles of Piz Buin and a magnum of Champagne sprayed willy-nilly can do to give off the impression you’ve come into some money. Although we’re pretty sure someone really did do this and went to prison for fraud. So, you know, be careful.
02. “I’VE RUN A FEW MARATHONS”
Marathon running is one of the few endurance skills that no-one’s ever going to ask you to prove on the spot. Avoid being rumbled by taking a blurry selfie of yourself wrapped in tinfoil, clutching an old Year 10 football medal.
03. “I USED TO BE IN A FAMOUS BAND”
“Being in a band” is one of the easiest bluffs to pull off, particularly if you give yourself a modest role in a fairly low-down-the-bill outfit. Try “I used to do hand percussion for Los Campesinos!” before graduating to whoppers about being one half of Daft Punk.
“Being in a band” is one of the easiest bluffs to pull off, particularly if you give yourself a modest role in a fairly low-down-the-bill outfit.
04. “I INVENTED THE ACRONYM ‘OMG’”
Unless you’re friends with one of the six social media completists who still use Myspace and are currently championing their Ello account, you can pretty much waffle your tits off about anything relating to the early days of social networking. Sure, it’s a far-out claim, but it’s also one that’s damn near impossible to disprove.
05. “I WAS IN MIDSOMER MURDERS”
Lying about being on telly is easy and will win you instant kudos. The trick is not to aim too high. You played ‘bandaged man in waiting room’ in Casualty in 1999? Believable. Drunken punter in the Woolpack? Completely possible. A duke in the Downton Abbey Christmas special? Not so much.
06. “I INVENTED THE SELFIE STICK”
“Yeah, so I was on holiday in Japan, and I asked this bloke to take a picture of me, and it started raining so I got my extendable umbrella out, and he got all excited, right, and it turns out he was like the Japanese Alan Sugar…”
Lying about being on telly is easy and will win you instant kudos. The trick is not to aim too high. You played ‘bandaged man in waiting room’ in Casualty in 1999?
07. “I WAS A JUROR IN AN EXPLOSIVE MURDER TRIAL”
Thanks to the popularity of Serial, all anecdotes must now involve intricate knowledge of crime scenes and murder. Avoid being a total social pariah by fabricating an entire case, complete with your own homemade 12-part podcast.
08. “I’M EMIGRATING”
Get out of work commitments, social occasions or relationships with an elaborate emigration scam involving a bogus ‘bon voyage’ party and photoshopped Facebook snaps of you in front of world landmarks. Just make sure you get a decent fake tan before you return to real life.
09. “I HAVE A NANDO’S BLACK CARD”
We live in an age where social status is defined by how worthy of free chicken you are, so this is perfect for impressing friends and family. Of course, they don’t need to know you’re actually carrying a 582% APR credit card with a Nando’s sticker on it. Everyone will be far too preoccupied with chicken sweats and being your new best friends to quibble over the details. You, on the other hand, will be worrying about crippling repayments and impending financial ruin. But hey, free chicken! Sort of. You’re pretty much Ed Sheeran.
You, on the other hand, will be worrying about crippling repayments and impending financial ruin. But hey, free chicken! Sort of. You’re pretty much Ed Sheeran.
10. “I’M RELATED TO GORDON RAMSAY”
The crumpled-duvet-faced cook is just the right type of famous to be believably related to very normal people. People like you, for example. People who could very easily take a screen shot from Ramsay’s Hotel Hell and Instagram it with the caption, “Cousin Gordo’s getting a bit heated in the kitchen again, lol!”
The crumpled-duvet-faced cook is just
the right type of famous to be believably related to very normal people. People like you, for example.
