Ten Things You Only Do When It Rains

Take the BMC seriously

Remember them? The blokes who are responsible for maintaining the potholes of Mumbai? The ones who read in a tabloid that SRK was having a boy and landed at the house armed with this insurmountable evidence to question him. #Ch**ts was a popular hashtag that day. But then suddenly, BMC warns of high tide beginning from 2pm and that changes everything. Suddenly, you have to shut down your office, hammer planks through the window to keep in the stationary, buy six months of rations and hide at home with the complete LOST discography. So what if your house is in Thane on the 14th floor.

Obsessively wonder whether you took in the laundry

In other words, you turn into your mother. You’re half way to work or in the middle of an appraisal meeting when it suddenly hits you – you left your favourite blue shirt outside. Outside in the rain, open to all the elements... Imagine the horror! Then it hits you – you use a laundry service. That’s okay then. Laundries have warehouses armed with industrial fans to dry clothes. And when those don’t work, laundries employ people to gently blow hot air at clothes.

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Be proud you own an SUV

So what if the only time you’ve been in a car driving over 140 kmph was when your cousin took you for a spin in his Optra? And that was a long time ago considering no one’s bought one for close to half a decade now. But then it rains and all those people in their fancy sedans capable of doing 100 kmph in the time that it takes you to down a shot pull over to the side waiting for you – Mr SUV with big fat tyres to pass by. To show them the way to circumvent the puddles and lead their low ground clearance selves to safety. For that very brief moment, dodgy ground clearance, rattling doors and leaking windshields apart – you are the messiah. Then of course, they reach solid ground and overtake you.

Drink hot chocolate

“You have to. It’s tradition”. “It’s not Indian tradition because we drink chai and eat pakodas.” “That was before we had Starbucks.” Tough to argue with that! So you drag your ass to a mall and order a cup of hot chocolate instead of a double shot espresso feeling as comfortable ordering it as the time you decided to buy slutty lingerie for the girl. You quietly walk away after powdering it with half a can of free cinnamon and pour the saccharine sweet concoction down your throat wondering ‘just who you’d need to sleep with to get a shot of whiskey to make this even remotely manly’. Strangely enough, it doesn’t taste too bad.

Pretend you are British

The Royal Baby has already brought out your ex-colonial subject side – everything Brit is cool. Even carrying the black umbrella with the fake wooden handle you’ve had in the back of your car since 2006. So what if three of the spokes go through the umbrella when you open it, as the expression on the faces of a group of 18-year-olds changes from admiration to giggling.

Pretend you don’t care about your shoes

Suede + water = New shoes. But men don’t worry about shoes, so you valiantly walk towards your car stepping into puddles, kicking up water and mud on your denims in slow-mo. Wachowski bros couldn’t have done it better, well brother and sister. You get the drift.

Smile when people tell you to get out of work

Your board is visiting, you have three simultaneous deadlines and the weather outside is so muggy it seems like you’re playing football without running. So what if you wouldn’t be anywhere but work, your girlfriend is a pillow with an A4 print of Jessica Alba’s face stapled to it and your friends haven’t seen you since your last birthday? You still wish you were outside, soaking in the mugginess and of course, the hot chocolate (refer to point 4).

Understand when people take off their shoes at work

Your shoes are soaked, your socks wet and the air conditioning too cold – surely it’s okay if you take off your shoes at work, right? Of course not! Be a man. Keep them on and they’d dry on their own. So what if you die of pneumonia the next day. At least you died with your shoes on.

Think about Mandakini

C’mon now, admit it. You think about Mandakini every time you see a girl walk by in a white shirt or a t-shirt. It’s as if the rains somehow convert the world into a giant wet t-shirt contest and you, the guy who owns Hawaiian Tropic, is stuck with the responsibility of judging just who did it best.

Make a Flood joke

So what if a month ago 15,000 people went missing in Uttaranchal, Mumbai still remembers its 2005 deluge and Bihar still remembers about the destruction caused by the Kosi waters. But so what? There’s still room left for at least one flood joke: “What did the Christian dude say to the Hindu during the flood…” before you’ve reached your punch-line the boss glares at you. He lost half his ancestral house in the floods. But don’t bother, finish your joke, even if the office boy gets a fatter appraisal than yours.

From the August 2013 issue of FHM India.