The Big Question: What Can My Grandad Teach Me About Sex?

We’re bonking less than our randy elders: maybe it’s time to get a bit more old school

So old people know nothing about sex, right? Wrong. They once had fully working penises and randy desires, and a lot of bedroom action — more than us, in fact. A recent survey found that modern men today are in a worryingly dry sex drought, with modern man sexing on average 4.8 times a month, compared to 6.4 times in 1990. So what the hell is happening? We gathered four OAPs to spill the beans…

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“I lost my virginity at 17,” Gerry, 70, tells us. “But it was an affair with a married woman when I was in my twenties that taught me everything I know. She was the wife of one of my university lecturers and was at least a decade older. I suppose she seduced me. I was so naïve — I thought she wanted to talk about philosophy. It went on for about six months and I still wonder if I most enjoyed the fact it was illicit. I’m not proud of it, but my girlfriends after her should be thankful we met.”

Talking to Farak, 70, it seems the one thing we’re lacking in modern mating is risk. The risk of getting caught, the risk of saying one thing to ruin all your hard work, the risk of looking like a prize naked idiot. Back then, the thrill started before you took off your trousers. “I met my husband at the hospital we worked at in Kenya,” she says. “In the nurses’ station, you had to be back and signed in by midnight, but we used to forge each other’s signatures so we could meet boys. We did it for the first time after two months and I had no idea what I was doing — I didn’t know what an orgasm was. He’d dated lots of nurses before me, so he did.”

“When we had sex, there were so many obstacles in the way that enhanced the lust,” says married couple Lorna and Avrion, 82 and 87, of a time before one swipe of a finger could link you up with a hottie on Tinder. “You could have an orgasm just by looking at someone, because you knew you couldn’t do anything else. You couldn’t take your date back to your house, so at dances there were rooms of people just canoodleing.”

OK, so it may not be as romantic, but surely the modern version, with more Sambuca-soaked twerking and sweaty dry-humping, is clear for everyone to see on TV shows like Sun, Sex And Suspicious Parents and What Happens In Kavos (downloadable on torrents)? Surely the mucky holiday shag fests, something they never had, must indicate we’re bonking more than them?

“I don’t buy it,” Gerry says. “I watch those programmes, with young people getting drunk and having sex, and I don’t believe it. They’re made for TV, so old folk condemn them. But we don’t care what young people are doing. Let them get on with it.”

The ultimate sex survey*

• 41% of girls think flowers are the most romantic act, followed by a home cooked dinner and writing a love song
• 87% of women find men in retro glasses sexy
• 7% of women find old school chivalry embarrassing
• 4% of people have used their smartphone during sex
• 60% of women admit to making excuses to get out of sex
• 15% of people would rather give up sex than their iPhone

(* When 300 women speak up their mind)

From the April 2014 issue of FHM India.