The Bloke Test: MojoJojo

Have you ever stared someone out?

The Silverback Gorilla at the Singapore Zoo. Lasted for 4 hours and some minutes, then he got bored and hurled dung at the window.

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Verdict: Bloke

Have you ever followed through on an exuberant fart?

Yes, I once woke my sister up with it, in the middle of the night, and then blamed it on our dog. She promptly reminded me that we didn’t own one.

Verdict: Bloke

What’s the most masculine thing you’ve ever done?

Built a custom motorcycle this year with master builder and customiser, Tushar Jaitly. Most rewarding experience when you know the machine you’re riding has your blood, sweat and tears involved.

Verdict: Bloke

What’s the biggest thing you’ve ever set fire to?

My last relationship.

Verdict: Bloke

Have you ever growled at yourself in the mirror?

Not that I can remember, just winked and said, ‘looking sharp there, slick’.

Verdict: Bloke

Have you ever worn a trilby?

I’m having to Google this word, hence the answer would be no.

Verdict: Not Bloke

Have you ever used a voucher on a date?

No, I just pull the artist card and get my date free drinks for the entire night. Game, set and match.

Verdict: Bloke

Have you ever fraped someone?

I have and there are people who are still looking for blood.

The best ones have to be from college though, when people used to forget to log out after a class. ‘I have tiny, marble sized ****’ was one gem.

Verdict: Bloke

Have you ever shaved part of your body other than your face?

Yes and I couldn’t walk straight for a few days. Talcum powder sales went up in my region, I believe.

Verdict: Bloke

Have you ever had a successful DIY session?

Yes, recently! I organized a private listening session for friends and family at home, for my upcoming album. All of them said they loved it but that was probably all the free alcohol talking.

Verdict: Bloke

Has a girl ever put make-up on you?

Being the only (enterprising) brother to 2 sisters, entertainment was often sought at my expense. There is photographic proof to this as well, so if someone really wants to get back at me, just make sure my mom really, really, really likes you.

Verdict: Not Bloke

Have you ever used petrol to start a fire?

Nope, just matches, newspaper and my gale force breath.

Verdict: Not Bloke

What’s the biggest sandwich you’ve ever made?

Being a diehard fan of Man vs Food, I attempted one which was a slab of focaccio bread with bacon, ham, chicken tikka, fries, olives, jalapenos, 3 types of cheese, and a few kinds of dressings. Didn’t taste the best but it was deeply satisfying.

Verdict: Bloke

What’s the strangest thing you’ve drunk from?

A woman’s stilleto. It was an attempt to win a bet and boy, did I win big!

Verdict: Bloke

Score: 12/15

Pretty good Akshay! Your tongue hit the cheek and looks appropriately ready to travel places way softer than just your own.

Check out MojoJojo’s debut album, Shots Fired that is all set to hit the subcontinent in October.

From the October 2015 issue of FHM India.