The Dos and Don’ts of Sex and Tech

As technology gets ever-more complex, so do our sex lives, and now there are a number of ways to misuse your foot (and penis) in the bedroom

Don’t tweet about a one-night stand

Surprise (and fully consensual) sex with a total stranger is a wonderful gift. With some Dutch courage and daring knee touching, miracles can happen. But if you tweet “smell my fingers lol” the next day, the universe will bite you on the arse, ensuring your brag-tweet finds its way to said girl. Result? She never bites you on the arse, ever again.

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Don’t use emojis in sex texts

You can write the most seductive, moisture-inducing sex text in the world, but if you finish it with a winky face in sunglasses, you may as well be sending her a Snapchat of you wanking to DuckTales. The image you’re looking to project is rugged, growly sex-man, not giggling Japanese schoolgirl.

Do watch porn together

Sure, you might draw the line at showing your other half your 18GB alphabetised archive of porn clips, but enjoying a bit of filmed filth together is something that — according to a 2013 survey — 96% of couples have tried. “Porn means we all know a lot more about sex than our grandparents’ generation,” says sex expert Tracey Cox. “The good things — from a girl’s perspective — are that you can see mechanically how things work. You can see how to give a handjob or a blowjob. And men want to know what they’re doing in bed so they don’t look like idiots. But porn is all about getting the best view for the camera. It’s usually way too tough or way too aggressive. The fact is, sex that feels great probably doesn’t film that well.” “Do women enjoy porn in the same way as men?” asks telly medic Dr Christian Jessen. “The answer is almost certainly ‘no’. Men are up-and-running within seconds, whereas women have much longer phases of warm-up before arousal.”

40% of women watch videos featuring sexual content at least once a week (Ann Summers 2013 survey)

True story! Porn transformed my sex life

Tara, 24

“I’d never really thought much about porn, but after uni I met this arty guy who was really into it. He was a bit pretentious but really fit, and the films looked quite good. Plus, they featured hot women, rather than a revolting 50-year-old British woman deep-throating a ‘plumber’.

“After watching porn with him a few times, I realised I liked looking at other girls’ boobs, so when we had sex, I’d sometimes tell him what I wanted to do to a girl. That led to me bringing a girl home one night. He wasn’t allowed to watch or be a part of it though I made him sit in the living room while I spent about an hour playing with her nipples. We didn’t have sex, but it was fun.

“I’m a lot more open about sex now. I like being really vocal in bed and get quite turned on by the idea of a threesome. I find it sexy watching porn with a bloke too, although I hate it if they get too into it. I freak out that he’s more into her than me.”

Don’t check emails in bed

A survey conducted by mysinglefriend.com for FHM discovered that 77% of women have been annoyed by a man using a phone or tablet after sex. The truth is, if your phone’s resting place is a foot from your pillow, you’re going to be reaching for it the moment you’ve got nothing (or no one) to do. “Don’t underestimate how important paying your lady some attention after sex is,” says Jo Hudson, founder of online sex shop kink.com. “It’s an evolutionary legacy that has something to do with securing the bond and ensuring their partner doesn’t skip off with the next available female. If you’re gagging to check your phone, wait for a trip to the bathroom or to the kitchen to make tea, or even her falling asleep — contrary to popular opinion, it tends to be the girls who snooze first.”

True story! I’m a Skype sex devotee

Divya, 29

“I met Daniel while we were both on holiday. He lives in Sweden and I’m in London. We really liked each other, and the sex was amazing, so we decided to give it a go. We’d Skype most evenings and, one night, we were talking after we’d both been out and he asked what underwear I was wearing. I went to show him and stripped off. I could see how turned on it was making him so I did a little show. After that, every few nights we’d get naked on Skype, or talk about what we wanted to do to each other.

“Then, one night, I asked him to show me how much he wanted it, so he ended up masturbating for me. I found it such a turn-on that I joined in. We’ve got really into it now, so I’ll dress up for him and sometimes we’ll use toys.

“I live with my mum at the moment, so I try to wait for her to go to bed. Still, there’s something quite hot about fingering yourself in your childhood bedroom as your boyfriend tells you what to do. That’s not meant to sound as weird as it probably does.

“Obviously Skype sex isn’t as good as proper sex, but it does make it easier to get by when we can’t get together. Online we’re quite filthy but, when we see each other, it’s more romantic.”

9% of people admitted to using their smartphone during sex (2013 Mobile Consumer Habits survey)

Do get the video camera involved

Nervous about asking your significant other to star in a bit of filmic sleaze with you? She might be more open-minded than you assume. A 2013 survey found that 40% of women have made a DIY sex tape with an ex or a current partner. “My inbox is full of emails from women saying it’s them who want to try new things,” says sex expert Tracey Cox. “It’s been mainly like that since Fifty Shades Of Grey.”

Don’t let Peter North get you down

One consequence of unlimited porn is that men are left feeling inadequate next to the likes of adult star Peter North and his 8.5 inch schlong. “Porn is having a massive effect on young men’s confidence,” says Dr Christian Jessen. “Pretty much anyone watching will feel that way because it’s almost like cartoon sex. The willies are the biggest you can find. As a result, the requests for penis enlargements have increased largely in men. It’s also led to an increase in erectile dysfunction medications. Poor teenage boys are watching huge guys having overly aggressive sex and are thinking, ‘Oh shit, I can’t do that!’ Now, the idea of what is average and what is normal has been completely twisted.”

Do take sexy pictures (just be careful with ’em)

Exchanging mucky pics with an equally horned-up lady friend is one of the great joys of 21st-century life. It’s often a little one-sided — girls have boob, bum cheek and mimsy to work with, whereas you’re pretty much limited to knob shots — but lotsa fun. Be careful out there, though. Are you sure that she’s not forwarding your eager boner on to her giggling girlfriends? Are you certain any future bust-ups won’t result in your trouser-rocket gracing countless revenge porn sites? “If you want to take photos of you or your partner, that’s fine,” says sex expert Tracey Cox. “But do it on a different device to your phone — even if you’ve been married 20 years. You’ll forget they’re on the phone, be showing off your holiday pics, then swipe on to a shot of the pair of you 69ing on the living-room carpet.”

True story! My nude pics went viral

Niharika, 23

“My bloke and I had been together a few years so sometimes I’d send him pictures of my boobs.

“He got so wasted one night that he let his friends go through his phone. They saw all the photos, showed them around the table and sent them on.

“I only found out when a few of them asked what underwear I was wearing. I was devastated. It was horrible knowing they’d seen me like that, and I hate the idea that they were laughing at me. I did think about finishing with my boyfriend, but decided in the end it was just a stupid, drunken mistake — at least it better have been. He’s asked me to send him pictures again, but there’s no way that would ever happen!”

71% of women have flirted with someone over social media (MySingleFriend.com survey for FHM)

Don’t become an e-Casanova

Hitting on girls over the internet is all well and good, but don’t let it become a replacement for honest-to-God, meat-andpotatoes social activity, unless you want to become

Do take tech infidelity seriously

According to the mysinglefriend.com survey, 80% of guys have flirted with people over social media. It’s a normal thing to do in the 21st century. Yet you should be very careful about what your thumbs get up to if you’re already in a relationship. “My definition is this: if your partner could see you now, would they be upset?” states Tracey. “We have to be very specific to our partners about what we will and won’t accept. Define what ‘faithful’ means to you. In the old days it was as simple as ‘you’re not allowed to kiss anyone’. Now it’s a lot more complicated.”

True story! I strip on the internet

Megha, 28

“I’ve always had a pretty certain open-mindedness about the idea of messing around on the internet. I’m into taking my clothes off online for blokes or couples. Sometimes my boyfriend and I have been online together, which has been quite fun, but I very rarely show my face. I’m certainly more into live-cam play rather than watching pre-made porn. It’s more voyeuristic and definitely more engaging. “I like to please people. If I know someone else is getting turned on, it turns me on. One time, I was chatting to a guy online and he asked me what my number-one favourite part of my body was. I said my mouth and lips. Then he asked what was my number two and so on. It got to the point where we counted up to 10 and, each time, I revealed the body part in question. It was pretty sexy. I really like to see the guys getting hot under the collar too.

“I’ve made home movies quite a few times. Once I went on holiday with an ex and we set up a video camera in the corner of the room and just had sex for an hour. We recorded the whole thing and watched it back a few times. It can be quite odd seeing yourself getting fucked. I still have a copy of it, though.”

33% of females aged 20-26 have sent nude or semi-nude photographs to someone else (Cosmopolitan survey)

Dr Jessen’s four ways to perform like a porn star

• Be a realist: “Scenes in porn are often filmed over the course of a few days. The ‘money shot’ can also be faked entirely.”
• Stay healthy: “Smoking, alcohol and lack of sleep have a massive effect on our sexual health. One of the most common problems that contributes towards erectile dysfunction is the effect of excess weight around our middle. Eat less, cut down on your drink and exercise more. It produces testosterone, which increases your sex drive and your hard-on.”
• Live on the edge: “You can train yourself to last longer in bed. With premature ejaculation, the problem is that you lose control. Try the stop-start technique, where you build yourself up to the point of orgasm, before stopping for a while. It teaches you to identify the edge of your safety zone and extend it.”
• Cheat with chemicals: “There are numbing creams, delaying sprays and extra-thick condoms – and a new medication that’s based on anti-depressants. It’s designed to be taken half an hour before sex, like Viagra. It’ll prevent you from ejaculating for a long time, if at all – which isn’t always good.”

From the March 2014 issue of FHM India.