The Final Countdown: Eight New Year’s Resolutions No Man Will Make (But Should)

Have sex with someone 12 years older

A sexy secret project for 2014: get inside the knickers and bra of a lady who is one dozen years older than you. Why 12 years older exactly? Any less and it won’t feel giddily kinky enough; anything more and you risk being known as “Mr Mother-Fucker” for the rest of your days.

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Break a record

Here’s what you do: take a stupid (but official) world record that nobody cares about – something like “Most buckets of oxtail soup thrown over a six-foot fence in one minute” – then set about obliterating that record, under official Guinness adjudication, so that your name appears in the World Records book every year from now until the sun burns out. Shouldn’t be too tricky, this: most of the dafter records are held by children, who tend to be both weak and stupid.

Stop wearing knackered underwear

Is the waistband all frayed? Has the elastic lost all elasticity? Has the colour turned from pristine white to sickly grey? Do they predate the iPhone? Then for the love of Baby Jesus, throw them out and treat yourself to some new ones.

Install a pornblocker on your phone

Thanks to smartphones and 4G, you’re never more than a swipe away from face-melting triple-X grumble. Wherever you are, whatever you’re doing, you always know in the back of your mind that there are pregnant German bukkake-hobbyists waiting for you, right there in your pocket. But if you’ve ever caught sight of yourself in a bathroom mirror, jeffing one off over the same phone you FaceTime your mum with, you’ll know that’s not a temptation worth having.

Enter every competition you hear about

Competitions rarely get many entries, even if the prize on offer is a 200-inch telly and a thrice-around-the-world ticket. In fact, the number of entries will often barely reach double figures. So enter the next 10 competitions you see, and you stand a good chance of winning at least one of them. Although, obviously, we have just slightly knackered those odds by letting the cat out of the bag...

Escape your chocolate monotony

Most men go through life rotating through the exact same half a dozen chocolate bars, and they’ll rarely venture outside their confectionery safety zone. But a life without risk is a life only half-lived. So why not try a completely different chocolate bar every single day in 2014? Not every confection will be to your liking, but that’s not the point – you’ll be alive, goddammit! Now, granted, it’s going to get pretty challenging finding new bars by around the June mark, but that’s when you need to dig deep: Jameson’s Raspberry Ruffle Bar, Hershey’s Cookies ‘N’ Creme, and so on and so forth.

Revive an annoying catchphrase

There’s one sure-fire way to measure the regard you’re held in by friends and family: resurrect a once-omnipresent catchphrase by repeatedly dropping it into conversation, then see how far it spreads within your social circle. The more recent the catchphrase, the bigger the challenge: drop a “Whaassuup?” down the pub and you’ll draw some chuckles; try the same with “Simples!” and you may as well have whipped out a scabby testicle.

Do a bank robbery

Nobody really robs banks any more, do they? But why not? It’s exciting, plus you’ll be stinking rich afterwards! Here’s how you pull off a successful heist in four easy steps: 1) Watch Heat, Ocean’s Eleven and Point Break; 2) Get a good night’s kip; 3) Have a full English breakfast; 4) Rob a bank. Easy. 50/50 split, yeah?

From the January 2014 issue of FHM India.