The Final Countdown: Nine Ways to Really Deal With Man Flu
Nine ways to really deal with man flu, from cross dressing to drinking your way out of it.
Cross dress
Not even the smartest doctors know why, but it’s a scientific fact that the man flu virus never attacks women. Significantly reduce your chances of infection by adopting a high voice and dressing like a girl all winter — the tighter and sexier the outfits, the more protection, obviously.
Become a troll
If you’re feeling shitty, it’s only fair that you get to make others feel shitty too. So scrape the gunk from your eyes and start throwing your weight around on Twitter. Call @Digvijaya_28 a “jumbo-foreheaded fool”; tell @Miley Cyrus to “quit rubbing her bum in your eyes”; threaten @TusshKapoor with a “punch in the trousers”. If it all comes crashing down on you and the police get involved, simply blame your actions on the side effects of Kamaal R Khan.
Take up a new hobby
Always wanted to learn how to knit Rasta hats? Or perhaps you’ve long fancied yourself as a nail technician? Or maybe you want to learn Klingon to write pornographic fan-fiction about Worf from Star Trek: The Next Generation? As you’ll be lounging on your arse for a week, now’s the time to learn new skillz.
Have a glass of seera
Dear old nani always swore by this cure for flu: fill a pan with milk; add almonds, pistacheos, besan serve it scaldingly hot; then ease yourself into a slumber, clutching a pillow, which you will slobber on. Good old nani. Ever so senile she was.
Boxset yourself crazy
Binging on boxsets is a double-edged sword: while it’s fun burning through two-and-a-half seasons of The Wire in one demented weekend, you do end up feeling a little wretched about yourself for lounging in lazy, BO-scented squalor in a darkened room for days on end. But when you’re ill, flaking out to 13 straight episodes of American Dad actually feels like a noble, Herculean achievement.
Fight fire with fire
Your own body is basically declaring war on you. Well, don’t stand for it — fight back! If your body makes you sneeze, punch yourself in the nose. Feeling sweaty and dizzy? Waterboard yourself. Can’t stop coughing? Strangle yourself till you pass out. Show your body who’s boss, goddamn it, and the flu virus will be fleeing in no time. Probably. Possibly. Dunno.
Drink your way out of it
Flushing the virus from your system by means of high-impact boozing can go one of two ways: either you’ll awake the next day to find that — praise be to Jesus! — you’re cured, or you’ll be instantly hit with the horrifying realisation that you’ve double-whammied yourself, and you’ve now got to spend the day having your mind, body and spirit crushed by man flu and a hangover. It’s basically Russian roulette, but with whisky and phlegm instead of a revolver and bullets.
Ignore it
Like a heroic World War Two pilot crossed with a Viking warrior, carry on with your life as if you haven’t been struck down by man flu. Yes, your boss might pull a face when you cough up a fist-sized chunk of snot during that meeting, and yes, your date may not be entirely attracted to your sweat-caked face — but they can kiss your arse, because you know you’re winning.
Treat your girlfriend like a 1950s housewife
Given that it’s 2014, it’s no longer acceptable to treat your missus like a maid who’s there solely to fulfil your whims, cook your dinner and launder your pants — unless, of course, you get struck down by man flu, at which point you get to taste the sweet, sexist life that our grandfathers once enjoyed.
From the March 2014 issue of FHM India.
Spotted a mistake, or your photo used without permission? Report a correction
in your inbox