The Final Countdown

Go on at least one hunt

The fact is that every man (especially the ones with activist girlfriends) has wondered how it would be to go on at least one hunt- even if it’s a rabbit hunt and you had one growing up. You want to skip an animal even if you get sick every time you pass by the poultry shop and you want to sit in an open-air jeep and fire a gun, even if the last time you tried that target range at the fair you hit the booth owner and not the balloon. Tragically for you, the countries hunting is still legal and would cost you an arm and a leg airfare. In India, you can’t hunt anything- unless of course you own some farmland and have to kill an animal for crop protection. Or just go whale hunting.

Call in a bomb threat

Don’t lie now. Every time you’ve heard or read something about a bomb threat you’ve wondered what it would be like to send one email threatening to blow up an important establishment and then hope it goes viral. You meanwhile can stand on the sidelines, get a beer and snigger as clueless cops lift every flower vase and empty every dustbin- only it’s India, so that level of efficiency isn’t going to be shown. What you can expect though is a knock on your door from the cops two months later when you’ve forgotten about the threat and are three stocks away from third base on date night.

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Boost a car

And you have plenty of experience there- you stood and watched as someone unlocked the door of your Maruti 800 with a metal scale when you managed to lock your keys inside, or the 15 times you saw Gone in 60 seconds. Plus, you’ve already taken a printout of how to hotwire a car from How-To and downloaded a video from YouTube. From there on, it’s a high-speed chase through streets lined with glass skyscrapers and overrun by Ferraris- if only you managed to get out of the gridlock and the cops got off VIP duty.

Pay for sex

Not because you have fallen hopelessly for a nightwalker who has captivated you with her beauty. Even if the woman you’d probably end up taking into an empty parking lot look like your maid and probably has a bigger package that you taped to the side of her thigh. There is, of course, the added bonus- crabs or better still, an off-duty home guard constable banging on your car window threatening to call your mother. Even if you are 28!

Sneak in 2 extra bottles through duty free

You walk out of a duty free store with enough booze to run a small pub even if your quota ends at 2 litres. With more adrenaline pumping through your system than the time you lost your virginity, you walk pass the customs desk with a grin so big a banana could fit sideways in your mouth, just as the custom guy calls you out. Dammit! Must be the beard and the racial profiling. Either that, or the neck of a 2.5 litre bottle of whisky sticking out of the top of your backpack you away.

Set up a pirated DVD businesses

So how difficult could it really be? Your new computer has two DVD drives - one can record DVDs - you can get the movie through torrents or persuades that friends’ friend you met a shady pub to send you copy from Thailand. Then you realise that by the time you are done making one DVD, you have spent half a day just burning it and you’d need to sell one for at least 700 bucks to make it worth your while. On the flip side, you might get killed before you get arrested – the pirated DVD business isn’t too welcoming for new entrepreneurs.

Insider trading

It isn’t rocket science after all. People do it all the time. And judging by how Michael Douglas did it in Wall Street, it’s really not that big a deal. All you have to do is get a hold of some classified information- buy a million share or two in the name of your girlfriend and dog without attracting too much attention when the prices are very low and the sell ‘em to make a killing later. All you have to is get 5-7 crores of starting capital. Now just sit and wait to be promoted from your coffee carrying duties for a stockbroker and get your hands on information you can actually use other than who’s screwing the receptionist.

Get into a fight with a cop

You’ve seen Kick, seen Tom Cruise beat the stuffing out of FBI agents, and it seems simpler than a fake pillow fight with three Easter Europeans imports in their knickers. Considering our cops look more like a globe than lean, mean, fighting machines or Michale Owen, you figure you’d be safe. Sadly you weren’t counting on his relatively nimble footed colleagues who catch you mid-slap and thrash the daylights out of you before sticking you into a lockup.

From the January 2018 issue of FHM India.