The perfect flowchart for getting laid this Valentine’s Day

Case 1: You are not attractive to look at but are good with words and at reading people

(Tyrion Lannister)

• Break the ice with a smart one-liner.
• Be prepared for an unfavourable response.
• Maintain your dignity. Don’t seem too interested in the girl.
• Make a non-flirtatious but complimenting remark on the girl.
• Avoid longish eye contact with her but maintain a confident body language.
• As soon as there is an evenly mildly positive acknowledgement from her, look her deep in the eyes and offer her a drink.
• Your weapon of choice is ‘words’ so falter in that area. Build up a conversation.
• Smile.
• Offer to walk her home.
• Get laid in her apartment.

Case 2: You know how to dress up well and look charming

(James Bond)

• Nod at the girl you’re interested in.
• Ignore her right after that but make sure you’re around for her to see you.
• Break conversations with random people.
• After a while surprise her by going up to her from behind and offering her a drink.
• Now give her all your attention and start a conversation.
• Don’t be very chatty. Listen more than you speak.
• Without appearing patronising usher her to a quieter area by touching her on her back.
• Continue to have a conversation with her.
• After she finishes a story, ask her if she wants to check out the music in your playlist in your car.
• Get laid in the car.

Case 3: You’re rich and kind of a genius too

(Tony Stark)

• You’re successful and this may be a little intimidating for women. So carry a slight smile.
• Go up to a girl and strike a light but serious conversation.
• You have everything on the outside under control. It’s time to control the speed of your speech. Talk slowly.
• Make a joke or a light statement and break the premonition that you may be a geek.
• Don’t talk about yourself. Talk about general things and then gradually shift the topic of your conversation to the girl.
• Continue showing the human side to your personality by talking about some funny blunder you committed.
• Now is the time to utilise your riches. Ask her if she’d like to have some dinner.
• No matter where you are, book a romantic dinner at a luxury beach resort in Goa, and fly her down.
• Get laid by the candle side.

Case 4: You are a compulsive womaniser and open for adventures

(Barney Stinson)

• Look at the girl well and make sure that you haven’t slept with her already.
• Get a few drinks in and prepare to put up a show.
• Sift through profiles of the most interesting people whom you know personally, in your head. Choose one for yourself for the evening.
• Introduce yourself as that person and begin a conversation.
• Your safe bet is that it doesn’t matter what she thinks of you as you’re not looking for a long term thing.

Tell her that you’ve leaving on some assignment the next morning, and wanna make some memories that will keep you warm on your expedition, before you leave.

• Get laid in the restroom.

Case 5: You may not be very smart but are physically fit and great in bed

(Joey Tribbiani)

You’re fit and good looking, so half your work has been taken care of. Now is the time to show that you’re a great person to hang out with.

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• Don’t go over the top to prove that you’re a man.
• Stay away from alcohol and choose a decent looking mocktail. Walk up to the girl and make it obvious that you’re interested in her.
• Get close to her by making compliments. Flirting was made just for you. Use it to the most optimum level.
• Dance with her if you have to. Get her more drinks and continue to flirt.

If she’s still hanging around that means she’s also up for some fun. Throw some hints like your place is pretty close, even if it’s not.

• Order a cab.
• Get laid like a monkey.

From the February 2017 issue of FHM India.