The Stinky Breath Test

Paranoid about pongy breath? Feeling a bit self-conscious that your mouth might smell like a sewer that even gutter rats wouldn’t be seen dead in? Here’s our guide to diagnosing, understanding and curing your stinky gob.

The breath test

So, how can you tell your breath smells like the back door of a cat? Well, you could breathe on a mate and see if he does a sick in his mouth. Or try our simple three-step test instead.

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• Step 1: Lick the inside of your wrist.
• Step 2: Sniff it.
• Step 3: Does it smell like crap?

If the answer to step three is yes, continue to section two.

The cause

In the majority of cases the problem comes from poor dental hygiene. Particles of food get caught between the teeth and on the tongue and rot. The bacteria coating your teeth, tongue and gums mixes with the saliva that’s breaking down the food particles and releases smelly gases. Short-term bad breath can be caused by cigs, booze, coffee and foods such as garlic and onions.

Morning breath – overnight the mouth dries, slowing the production of saliva that washes away food. Eating re-stimulates spit to clean out the crud.

Low-carb diets can affect the breath, they cause the body to break down fats that produce chemicals that can honk.

Warning: long-term bad breath can be caused by gum disease or more serious medical conditions. A warning sign of this is a persistently smelly gob or bad taste in the mouth. If this is the case then visit Mr Dentist or the doctor.

The cure

Fresh breath is proper simple.

• Step 1: Brush your teeth twice a day. Use a fluoride toothpaste (to prevent tooth decay and gum disease) and a toothbrush with mixed-height bristles. Brush for two minutes. (360 Toothbrush by Colgate, Rs 55)
• Step 2: Brush or scrape your tongue. Loads of bacteria exist on your tongue so make sure you use a brush or a scraper to remove the little blighters. (Tongue scraper, Rs 10)
• Step 3: Floss. Brushing only cleans around 60% of the surface of your teeth, so use floss to get to the hard to reach areas. This should help remove trapped food debris. (Floss by Oral-B, Rs 15)
• Step 4: Gargle with mouthwash. Anti-bacterial mouthwash used before you go to bed is the best for killing stinky bacteria. (Mouthwash by Listerine, Rs 60)
• Step 5: Keep your mouth fresh with sugar-free gum. Chewing stops your mouth drying out which can lead to bad breath. Make sure it’s sugar free, though, or you’ll have no teeth left. (Gum by Orbit, Rs 5)

Illustration by Robbie’s Brownshoes.

From the March 2012 issue of FHM India.