Unblooper your life

Life’s a bitch... or was it karma? It doesn’t make much difference because in either case it’s you who gets screwed like one. There’s immense material and as many people offering counselling sessions in order to handle trying times, but nobody talks about situations that put you in a social corner. Here’s a list of some of the most bizarre situations that call for delicate handling, and of course our expert advice for each.

Your dog breaks off the leash as you halt to flirt with the new hottie in Block F

First of all, congratulations! Not because your dog ran away, that sucks, dude... but for the new chick who’s given you another reason to get your bum off the couch and walk your hound. So, this is quite a pickle and you’re up for losing more than just your pet. Girls love dogs and if you continue talking to her even though you’ve noticed that the collar at the leash’s end is neck-less, you’ll lose your reputation too.

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Our advice

As soon as you miss the tension on the chord tell her that you’ll be back in a jiffy and actually go for the mutt. Search the shit out of your neighbourhood and bring him back. Without having to orchestrate an attack on her you’ll be a saviour and a hero. As far as embarrassment is concerned, you didn’t spend enough time with her after the crisis and if you’re back on time it’s victory and not shame that’s hanging in the air.

A. Shout his name

Your dog has been responding to his name forever now. If he ran away only to follow a sexy mutt and doesn’t really want to get rid of your company, this will help him locate you from a distance. Try, also, to use any nicknames that you may have for him. He’ll find a way back somehow.

B. Carry his favourite treat

Let’s face it, dogs are like men in many ways. And the love for food is one of them. Carry his favourite chicken leg or anything else that you know he loves to gobble down. The smell will attract him to you.

You find out that your girlfriend’s stealing stuff from your apartment

So, you got yourself a new pair of headphones that promised noise cancellation and extra bass. While you were listening to Type O Negative in your room your girlfriend claimed to be making maggi in the kitchen. After she leaves you find out that your bottle of honey bourbon is missing from the kitchen cabinet. There’s no doubt about who’s done it, but you still can’t forget the bonking post snacking.

Our advice

If you’re happy with the rumpy pumpy, look for options other than breaking up with your girl even if she’s stealing stuff from your house. How often do you find the perfect fit (no pun intended)! Experts suggest getting a job that pays more, working for extra hours or peddling drugs in parties that you go to any way as possible solutions. If this is too much hassle, compare the sex and the monetary worth of what she’s stealing on a graph. If it’s a straight line steal your stuff back from her apartment. If not, sign up for that over time.

You wet your crotch in public

We’ve all been there and it should be included in our school curriculum to deal with. So, your hands were full and you still thought that the disposable thermocol glass of water from McDonald’s was not a big deal. An excited boy running for his crazy ball crashes into you and bam the water splashes everywhere, especially on your crotch, as predicted by uncle Murphy for the whole of humanity for ages to come.

Our advice

Fret not. Obama taught the best way out in the title of one of his books, The Audacity of Hope. Convince yourself that it’s okay and before anyone notices, spill some more water, this time all over your pants and not just the crotch, while making a small dramatic statement about it. Something like, “Oh great, thanks McDonald’s!” followed by gesturing at your pants will help the situation lose its seriousness. Now it’s alright for people to take notice. You just involved them in your joke rather than the other way round.

The little you inside your pants fails you at the most crucial moment

Well, whatever people say, it’s normal and it happens sometimes. After all you flunked in biology for years, and this is how biology takes its revenge. You may be super drunk. Now women don’t understand this because for them being drunk is equal to being super horny. It is. But sometimes God justifies menstrual cramps against men in a way where he makes us super horny when we’re drunk but the little guy is too tipsy to perform. There may be other reasons too.

Our advice

Take charge and convert these shitty situations to opportunities where you earn brownie points. One thing is for sure, women don’t do as much research on us as we do on them. They have a belief system that says men are always horny and would do anything for sex. Let them believe it. Now, when pappu fails you don’t try to strangulate him to death, for it will only cause further embarrassment. Tell her you just want to talk tonight. Tell her everything that she says to you when your soldier is up with all medals on display and she’s probably not in the mood. Rewrite the rules of the game.

A. Onions & Garlic

Their smell may repel women but their properties would make them go gaga over your Gogo. They improve blood circulation and you know how it functions, right!

B. Omega-3 fatty acids

Fish like salmon and tuna may not be close to Nemo, but they’re rich sources of omega-3 fatty acids which help raise the dopamine levels in the brain.

C. Peanuts

You can thank them for more reasons than peanut butter. Peanuts are a rich sources of L-arginine, which is a building block of protein in the body that increases blood flow to the sexual organs in both men and women. They can even help with problems of erectile dysfunction.

Your dog starts humping your girl’s mom’s leg when she visits you for the first time

Dogs are the best ice-breakers, both in conversations and in person. But sometimes they can get embarrassing beyond social acceptability. Especially when old (or older) people are around, they take centre stage and you lose your personality and are confined to being just their human. Your dog’s humping is all the more blush making because in India we pretend to have sexless relationships and any allusion to sex is a crime. Your girl’s mom’s opinion matters to you and your dog’s dedication to mounting her leg can jeopardise it pretty badly.

Our advice

We feel as bad for you as we do for your mutt. It’s not that the girl’s mom turned him on or anything, however attractive she may be. Sometimes dogs are just too excited or anxious that they start humping pillows, toys or just the air. And this is what she needs to know, though not in these many words and always after you’ve scolded and shooed away the pet. Stay away from saying anything smart or funny because that may make things go out of hands by further annoying her.

What not to say when your dog starts humping your girl’s mom’s leg

Statutory warning: This is a social experiment. We don’t take responsibility of subjective reactions of all women. But it’s worked for some men, for sure.

“He’s just copying a scene from a movie we saw last night. LOL.”

Everyone in the room knows what you’re stopping Bozo from doing but just play along and pretend that it’s something fishy and you have no idea what’s going on.

Your conscience is clean and you’ve been practicing this line since last evening. But trust us this is not the line to be used as distraction right after she was dog-handled by Bozo.

Just if you haven’t understood it yet, do not try to be funny by making a seemingly smart statement. It is bound to backfire.

From the February 2016 issue of FHM India.