40 Great Adventures

Swim, drive, paddle, ski, fly, fight and soil yourself to a better life – with our annual travel bible. Grab your passport, spare pants and, for God’s sake, stop reading this bit…

Headbutt a whale shark

Battle of the marine fatties: go mano-a-fin with the world’s biggest fish

Read FHM India in the digital libraryEvery issue, every shoot, on TCG Media.

Stupid as this sounds, I’ve lost track of the damn thing. Somewhere in my vicinity, there’s 20 tonnes of whale shark – circling slowly, its mouth hanging open like a fishy yokel. A mouth that’s about 1.5 metres across and lined with 350 rows of tiny, razor-sharp teeth. I cough seawater, my sphincter shrinking worriedly. Just two things are keeping me alive right now. Luck, and… well, the fact I don’t resemble an enormous piece of broccoli.

You see the whale shark is mostly vegetarian – a filter-feeder draining the ocean of krill, plankton and so on. But they’ve been known to chew divers, too. And that’s not the only danger. This is the biggest fish in the ocean – with a tail that weighs up to six tonnes alone.

And our boat is surrounded by them. We’re 12 miles off the coast of Cancun, Mexico, atop the second biggest reef in the world – where dense clouds of plankton attract huge pods of the whales to the surface to feed. The viewing ‘procedure’ is simple. The dive boat tracks a shark, accelerates then drops you ahead of it – with only a snorkel and flippers to keep up. And a genuinely humbling experience it is, too. To a soundtrack of squeaks and whaley groans, you paddle alongside at a lazy 3mph. Where they swim, you swim; when they twist underneath you, you turn like a happy matador; when their faces lock in a kind of goofy grin, yours does the same. There’s only one bit of advice: don’t do as I did and, er, attempt to feed like them.

Removing my snorkel for better photos, I take in a mouthful of brine. I briefly surface, spluttering – but in doing so lose track of the 12m male I’d been swimming next to. Blinking away salt, I finally focus, looking around frantically for a fish the length of a bus. And spot it… directly beneath me. Surfacing. Bubbling a squeal, I kick upwards. Just as the dorsal fin gently scrapes my ballbag.

“Woah!” says Alberto, our photographer, as we surface.“That was close. You were lucky!”

Just call me Ishmael. Or Captain Ahab. Or anything you like. Just don’t call me Jonah.

www.cancun.travel. Flights to Cancun start at Rs 25,478; mexicana.com. Whale shark dives run May to September and cost from Rs 8,753; ecotravelmexico.com. FHM stayed at Ceiba del Mar; ceibadelmar.com.

Play the world’s longest golf course

Fore! Drive across Oz in more ways than one

The first time you experience 113ºF is quite a shock. Every breath feels like you’ve coated your lungs with molten lava. “Mate, if you don’t fancy it, we’ll just stick it down as a bogey,” says our guide/caddy, Perry. “I don’t fancy a dead Pommie on my conscience.”

We’ve come to Oz to play the Nullarbor Links – the new, 850 mile, par 72. Trouble is, we’ve timed it with South Australia’s longest heatwave since records began. But what is it they say about mad dogs and Englishmen? So, with a slightly sweaty stiff upper lip, I march to the tee of Dingo’s Den, the par-five fifth.

A $50 scorecard, a bag of ‘sticks’, a couple of dozen balls and four spare days is all you need to play this three-time-zone-crossing course. Oh, and a car. With air-con. The brainchild of Bob Bongiorno and Alf Caputo, two barrel-chested ’Stralians with a love of golf and the Outback, the course comprises 18 holes positioned along the Eyre Highway between Ceduna in the east and Kalgoorlie in the west. With names such as Brumby’s Run and Wombat Hole, some are part of larger golf courses, but many are nestled behind roadhouses: gas stations-come-diners-come-motels that pop up along the highway. With all the holes like giant, hard-baked sand traps and the distinct lack of water hazards, it’s left to the Outback’s flora and fauna to create trickiness: mid-fairway wombat holes, ball-thieving crows, snake nests, bush fires and horse flies the size of SUVs.

But it’s not just about the golf. Or the evenings drinking Cooper’s Pale Ale in Mad Max-esque roadhouses. It’s also about “The Real Australia” – what the 10% of the population who don’t live in the major metropolitan areas call the Outback. While playing the course you’re never more than a decent long iron from a point of natural magnificence or, in true Aussie style, an adrenaline sport. Whether that’s surfing on the giant breaks of Cactus Beach, exploring the Cocklebiddy caves or land-sailing on the unfathomable expanse of Lake Lefroy.

So, how did I fare? Well, I didn’t break the course record, but as I stand on the 18th tee needing a par to break 100, a rustle in the scrub disturbs my concentration. A mob of 20 kangaroos has decided to join us. And it’s this impromptu gallery that, after all the shanks and hooks and scuffs, makes playing the Nullarbor Links even more worthwhile.

More info at nullarborlinks.com, westernaustralia.com, australia.com, southaustralia.com and nullarborlinkstours.com.au. FHM flew to Oz with Etihad Airways who fly daily from London to Sydney from £875; 0800 731 9384; etihadairways.com

Train as a gladiator in Rome

It’s 100°F in the shade at the ‘Scuola Gladiatori’ training fortress in Rome, and we’re hungover. Worse, the trainer, Alexander, insists on shouting orders in ancient Latin right in our sun-burned face, as we’re being hit with sandbags, forced to push against immovable objects, and do innumerable press-ups. Already one of our party is being sick. Luckily, despite the pain, unlike real gladiators we didn’t have to worry about death, too.

After two gruelling hours, the finale arrives: fighting in pairs using wooden swords, tridents, nets and full armour. Needless to say FHM wins… nearly. Splinter-filled, exhausted and still in our gladiator dress, we head off for a tour of the coliseum and a celebratory pizza.

Do it: gsr-roma.com

5 ways to get trashed

The world’s biggest pub crawl

Everywhere: Departing London in March 2011, the Thirsty Swagman (it’s an Aussie firm) takes you on a 30-day, four-continent, 11-country stagger around 80 global pubs – in Prague, Dusseldorf, Thailand, New Zealand, Honolulu and others. All for £7,790. worldsbiggestpubcrawl.com

Eat hash up a mountain

Morocco: Perfect for anyone who hasn’t seen Midnight Express, the Rif Mountains are home to the world’s finest pot. Technically, you’ll be risking a decade in a rank jail, but more than likely? A quick bribe to local gendarmes should see you right. visitmorocco.com

Drink through a 20-hour day

Iceland: The legendary Reykjavik Rúntur occurs every weekend in mid-summer, when daylight lasts 20 hours solid. Start on the northeastern edge of Tjornin Lake, then bundle down Laugavegur main street, leering heroically at Björk look-alikes. Stock up in duty free though: booze can hit £5 a pint. icetourist.is

Take coke legally

Peru: Well, ish. The coca leaf comes from the same plant that your (mate’s) dealer gets his white stuff from: less extreme than powder, it’ll give you a pleasant buzz nonetheless.

Tip: head to northern Peru, where only 1% of visitors go. peru.info

Run drunkenly with posh folk

Grenada: The Hash House Harriers are a network of running, social and drinking clubs numbering 1,700 clubs worldwide. And the hardest partying bunch are in Grenada – bombing about the Caribbean volcanic island braying and singing. Events are free, you just need to get there (flights £360). grenadahash.com

Tuk-tuk rally

Buckle up for a white-knuckle race across Sri Lanka – in a tuk-tuk

A man is signalling to us in the distance. It’s pitch black, but as we approach, our engine spluttering, we notice something else.

His modesty is preserved solely by a tiny loincloth, and he’s carrying a lamp in one hand and a sizeable axe in the other. “Hondomay,” he shouts, beckoning us to follow. We set off down a track through the forest – and end the day as guests to a fireside meal of the indigenous Veddha tribe. This is definitely a race like no other.

What were they thinking? Some 25 teams from across the globe had signed up for this inaugural Lanka Challenge – a ten-day, 1,200km yomp around Sri Lanka’s top tourist sites, with Rs 45,000 for the winning three-man team. And so, armed only with a map and enough Imodium to kill a horse, we spluttered out of Colombo.

For ten days we were big news. Unhappy confusion marked the faces of passers-by as we performed death-defying overtaking manoeuvres. Even the squaddies clutching AK-47s at checkpoints smiled as we roared past. We chugged up mountains, admiring the stunning landscapes below, before roaring back down, leaning out to stop this three-wheeled vehicle flipping over. Then came the challenges, which buy you extra time – from finding Sri Lanka’s spiciest chilli, to trying to sell fruit on local buses at a profit. The winners’ yellow sarong was up for grabs – and we were hellbent on it.

So it was sad our tuk-tuk wasn’t. Be warned: the 65kmph taxis break down all the time – luckily everyone in Sri Lanka seems to be a mechanic.

It wasn’t all about the racing. We also stopped to surf on palm-fringed beaches, visit towering temples, knock back local curries and the vaguely sinister homebrew, arak. And while we didn’t win – far from it – our tribal meal will genuinely stay with me for years. Re-race this April, anyone?

DO IT: The Lanka Challenge (lankachallenge.com) returns to Sri Lanka from April 8-18, 2011. The trip costs Rs 51,320 per person, based on a team of three. Includes food, lodging and tuk-tuk hire, but not flights. Return flights to Colombo with Sri Lanka Airlines (srilanka.aero) cost from Rs 26K.

Airboard down a mountain

La Plagne, France: You’re up a mountain in the French ski resort of Plagne-Montalbert, you’re late for dinner and all you have with you is a lilo. What do you do? You invent airboarding, that’s what. A combination of body boarding and sledging, the ‘boards’ are actually inflatable with hard ridges on the bottom. Riders lie on their fronts and bomb down ski slopes, the board weighs just six pounds and you sometimes reach 80mph. No wonder, then, that you can only do it at 5.30pm, once the slopes are closed. Presumably to avoid damaging your helmet on pesky skiers’ fragile knees.

Do it: la-plagne.com

Gun a 170mph drag racer

Leave your stomach on the start line – in two seconds flat

The noise is deafening: lying somewhere between a small-yield nuclear explosion and what I imagine a dinosaur passing a gallstone the size of a rugby ball might sound like. And it’s all coming from the vehicle I’m about to strap myself into.

I’m at the Santa Pod Raceway in Northants for a ride in the UK’s first two-seater dragster. Built by the famous Richardson Brothers Motorsport in Nashville, Tennessee, it’s a heavy-duty 10,000hp two-seater. I clamber in, my 6ft 3in frame making for a disturbingly tight fit. Then again, if you’re travelling at 170mph a foot off the ground and you do ‘prang it’, you’re probably not going to walk away.

Thus, as we sit on the quarter-mile start line, I inevitably start to contemplate death.

This thing is fast: earlier, one pit crew scoffed, “She’s just a baby – the big ones do 0-200kmph in 0.8 seconds. And this one, I enquire? “She takes ages, 0-200mph in two seconds…” So that’s fine, then.

I glance from the lights to the back of my driver’s head. Then, boom! We’re off, accelerating faster than an F1 car, jumbo jet or even a fighter plane. Travelling the length of four football fields in less than five seconds is a bizarre feeling. If I could turn my neck, I feel like I’d see myself sitting in a driving position on the start line; like when Wile E. Coyote goes off a cliff.

Aside from an amazing, violent pressure on my whole body, there’s frankly just too much for my feeble mind to process. In just eight seconds we hit 170mph before the parachute fires and we come juddering to a stop. Over a cup of tea, on wobbly legs, I reflect what a brief but truly exhilarating feeling it is to experience that much power. Just a shame all car journeys can’t be that fun. Although to be fair, it would be a nightmare in built-up areas.

Do it: Two-seater thrill rides start at Rs 18K, including admission, racing attire, a safety briefing and a certificate. See santapod.co.uk

More great adventures

Spot a leopard

Yala, Sri Lanka: With 24 animals, this national park boasts the world’s largest concentration of soon-to-be-extinct cats. Visit between February and June, and look out for them basking on the 30ft rock towers. Or listen for the purr – it’s audible from 300m away. sensesholidays.co.uk

Canoe to the Statue of Liberty

New York: Volunteers at the Downtown Boathouse at Pier 96 provide free kayaks and a guided tour through the choppy waters of the Hudson River and New York Harbour. Paddle out, wave at the big green lady, then cruise past the financial district, breathing heavily. downtownboathouse.org

Ride the world’s worst rollercoaster

New York: Meet the Coney Island Cyclone – a 2,600ft big dipper that’s terrified New Yorkers since 1927. Yes, newer rides are higher and faster. But only the Cyclone’s rickety wood-and-bolts structure makes you think your life is actually in danger. It isn’t.

Ish. astroland.com

Taunt a blue whale

Mirissa, Sri Lanka: Be among the first to visit the world’s best ‘bluey’ migration route, just 6km off the south coast, only discovered in May 2008. Which is a bit embarrassing for marine biologists: at 170 tons, they’re the largest animal that’s ever lived. You can even see them from land! Duh. srilankatourism.org

Dig for treasure

Costa Rica: More than 450km off the coast lies Cocos Island – where, says legend, at least three pirate treasures were buried dating as far back as the 1600s. True, there’s no guarantee you’ll hit gold, but the diving is spectacular. Bonus: you can talk like a pirate throughout. scuba-safaris.com

Stay in castle Dracula

Romania: Visit four castles, go and see Dracula’s ‘vulture nest’ fortress, then avoid torch-wielding villagers in his home town of Sighisoara. So, just Rs 52,000 to develop a taste for fresh, warm human blood. adventuretransylvania.com

Run the wife-carrying race

Finland: When a gentleman heaves his wife onto his back and races through a special obstacle course, they call it Eukonkanto. The world championship is in July. And it’s free – all of which leaves meeting women in the first place your only problem. bit.ly/3zqegl

5 other tests of your driving mettle

Race NASCAR like Tom Cruise

Across USA: Not totally like Tom Cruise – you don’t have to be mental. But you do have to be a little nuts to hit the 265kmph cornering expected of you by your professional driving instructor. Rotate pit duties to learn the car mechanics too – for when you buy one to ‘rude up’ in Surrey. 1800bepetty.com

Drive an Israeli special forces buggy

Arizona, USA: Meet at a Scottsdale cowboy bar. Stump up Rs 9000. Jump into an Israeli special forces dune buggy. Roar through the desert at 73kmph. Stop to shoot guns. Roar back through the desert. Go home feeling 100% manlier. Any questions? Thought not. desertwolftours.com

Circumnavigate a country

Iceland: At 1,440km, Iceland’s Route 1 could be the only country-wide tour on the planet where you never have to look at your road map. For much of it there’s little more than a dirt track in the snow; elsewhere glaciers, an iceberg and the odd, errant polar bear. icetourist.is

Go-kart through traffic

Berlin: Christ alone knows how this is lawful (German polizei are “reviewing” it) but just Rs 12500 gets you an hour in an automatic, street-legal, 200cc kart – darting through the Berlin rush-hour like a demented real-life Mario Kart. But with no green shells. Available in 11 other cities too, to spread the carnage. kart4you.de

Rev to victory in an F1 car

Wigan: This isn’t just a single-seater car but the fully blown F1 racing car that is the 1996 Italian Forti-Corse FG03. Death is a real possibility here – so you know it’s good. The Rs 1,16,000 also includes hotel, food and an F1 certificate. If you live. thanksdarling.com

Adventures for the brave

Pig rodeo

West Japan: Downgrade to these porcine steeds for your first rodeo, held annually in Mikame. The pigs weigh up to 140kg apiece and must throw their riders off, while the contestant tries to win 50,000 yen – about Rs 18K – by holding on the longest. bit.ly/3O5cCq

Go parahawking

Nepal: For Rs 7K, a specially trained hawk will take you and your tandem guide on a paraglider flight over the Himalayan foothills, leading you to the best thermals for a longer flight. And when the birds get bored, they come and sit on your head. Seriously. parahawking.com

Trek to Everest base camp

Nepal: Rs 36000 bags you a trek to base camp – which, at 5,400 metres above sea level, is still no walk in the park. And if you want to go further? See if you can spot one of the 186 people who’ve frozen to death. adventuresportsholidays.com

Feel the heat in a lava boat

Hawaii: Get within spitting distance of red-hot lava as it splutters into the Pacific – but take a hard hat and say your prayers: one boat became a waterborne bonfire after being struck by hot rock. From Rs 5K. hawaiihostel.net

Be the toughest toughman

Chile: Think you’re tough? Try this. The Wenger Patagonian Expedition Race sends competitors loopy with sleep depravation in a non-stop 600km of kayaking, biking and trekking to ‘the end of the world’. The Brits won it last year; the French nearly died trying. patagonianexpeditionrace.com

Dance with a house-sized ray

Hawaii: Stick on a wetsuit, grab hold of an inflatable rubber pole and get up close and personal with these 16-foot monster manta rays at night. For Rs 5K you can look but don’t touch – it’ll cost you a Rs 7.5 lacs fine if you hit one. mantaraydiveshawaii.com

Become a Tomb Raider

Belize: For Rs 4K entry, witness the eerie network of caves under Belize’s rainforest that were once a place for Mayan sacrifice. Splashing your way through underground rivers, you’ll see some hidden surprises. All the better if you’re in skintight hotpants. pacztours.net

5 secret adventures with your girlfriend

Can’t decide? Do one of these with or without your other half knowing…

Scale the north face of the Ikea warehouse

As if your day of pushing an unwieldy trolley like a petulant teenager could get any better! Then you see these monoliths to pre-fab furniture. Use ‘crampons’ (hinge brackets Sellotaped to your feet) to clamber onto the forbidden second shelf, grab your FLORÖ bed, descend, then re-fuel with 30 weird little hot dogs.

Mongolian-style wrestle her ex-squaddie brother

Ingratiate yourself with the family by challenging her twitchy, just-back-from-his-difficult-second-tour-of-Afghanistan brother to some Mongol scrapping. Clear a space, put the ambulance on speed dial and prepare to have your elbow extracted from your anus.

Her Marvellous Medicine

Like Roald Dahl’s seminal work, wait for your girlfriend to go out, take the good frying pan upstairs and add a bit of every mysterious unguent she has on her dresser. In theory, the combination of anti-wrinkle, tautening gel and moisturisers should create the elixir of life. NB: ‘should’.

Let her drive off the ferry in France

After doing duty free for the 18th time, you crack. Three pints of export-strength lager later, you reluctantly hand over the car keys. Cue a Bourne Identity-style car chase as the gendarmes tail you the wrong way down le péage.

Paternal extraordinary rendition

The CIA’s favoured interrogation method, this variation involves asking her dad if he ‘fancies a pint’ of your own free will. Which means: an hour supping a Spitfire while he bombards you with questions about your pension plan, sperm count, etc.

5 amazing wastes of money

Go to Rock Camp

London or Los Angeles: Double Viking! Rock’n’Roll Fantasy Camp offers campers the chance to practise, record and eventually play live with their heroes. Slash, Bill Wyman, Meatloaf and Steven Tyler have all taken part. No talent necessary. At Rs 4,8 lacs, you do have to be rich, though. rockcamp.com

Follow Lawrence of Arabia

Jordan: For Rs 3.5 lacs, you mount a camel, wear white robes to stop your pasty forehead burning and explore the desert’s ancient cities – where archaeologist-cum-soldier T. E. Lawrence staged his first attack on the Ottoman Empire. Yes, it wasn’t just a film. bit.ly/FX3LS

Dive to the Bismarck

The mid-Atlantic: Like a military version of The Abyss – a 12-day voyage to the German battleship we blew to bits in 1941, killing 2,300 seamen. Sail 960km west of France, and dive 4,670metres in a mini sub to stare at swastikas. Pricey though: Rs 1k per person. Oof. deepoceanexpeditions.com

The final degree

The South Pole: Fancy dragging a 120lb sled cross-country in temperatures of -28°C, high winds, 24-hour sunlight and altitudes above 9,000ft for 20 days (or until you die)? At just Rs 24 lacs per person? Then do we have an adventure/suicide pact for you. akextremeadventures.com

A space hotel

Outer space: Opening in 2012, the Galactic Suite pod orbits 280 miles above Earth, with capacity for four guests and two astronaut-pilots.

From the March 2011 issue of FHM India.