Am I normal? What 7,000 men told us about sex, love and life
FHM asked 7,000 men palm-clammingly personal questions to find out what counts as ‘normal’ in 2015 – from virginity and masturbation to cheating, job satisfaction and trimming.
You probably had a moment just like it. It was probably when you were at school. The realisation–usually pointed out by someone else–that something about you wasn’t normal. Maybe it was the number of showers you took a day. Or the way you ate. Perhaps you didn’t care about the same things as everyone else. Whatever it was, it made you feel different.
Hopefully, you’ll have realised by now that there’s nothing wrong with being different. In fact, here at FHM, we celebrate weirdness, individuality and the fact that some of us actually genuinely enjoy country music, thanks very much.
Having said that, it’s a basic human desire to want to know everyone else’s business. How often do your mates wash their sheets? Is MILF porn the norm? We asked 7,000 men a whole load of palm-clammingly personal questions to deduce what–in the topsy-turvy world of 2015–counts as ‘normal’.
33% of readers lost their virginity after their 18th birthday
The average age that Brits lose their virginity is apparently bang on 16 – but it’s been getting younger and younger with every generation. The average age that men over 55 lost their virginity is between 19 and 20, whereas the current crop of 16-24 year olds popped their cherry aged 15.
When did your favourite celebs become men? P. Diddy 13, Johnny Depp 13, Ozzy Osbourne 14, Dustin Hoffman 15, Matthew McConaughey 15, Tiger Woods 16, Daniel Radcliffe 16, Will Ferrell 21, Chris Martin 22, Ian McKellen 22, Gary Coleman 40.
76% of you think it is the same or harder being a man today than in the past
48% of you change your sheets less than once a month
A recent YouGov poll found that the average British man claims to wash his sheets about once every 10 days. We’re dubious. A survey by a mattress company in 2013 found the average British bachelor changes his sheets just once every three months. Need an incentive to do better? If you sleep eight hours a night for a month, your body will secrete roughly 30g of skin and 30 pints of sweat. The Ohio State University entomology department says dust mites eat this skin and defecate faecal pellets in your sheets which you breathe in and can get lodged in your throat. A typical used mattress has 100,000-10 million mites inside, depending how well its sheets are washed. Sweet dreams.
40% of you masturbate once a day
You’re alone. You’ve spent the night watching telly, sunk a bottle of wine, and your eye wanders down towards your hand. Just you and me, old friend. Like always.
Whether you’re in a relationship or not, there isn’t a scientist in the world that will tell you self-loving is not a normal reaction to boredom, singledom or a sleepy girlfriend. In fact, British psychologists at the Journal of Psychology & Human Sexuality found that young men masturbate on average 12 times a month. That’s once every two-and-a-half days. They’ll also tell you it’s pretty much impossible to self-love too much. Too hard, yes – extreme cases have seen men fracture their weenies or rupture arteries – but too much, no. Researchers in Australia have even claimed regular masturbation can reduce the risk of prostate cancer.
Can you wank too much? “Masturbating is perfectly normal. It does not make you blind or give you hairy palms and is not addictive.
“I treat a lot of men for stress-related issues and one of the first questions I always ask is, ‘Do you masturbate?’ The answer is overwhelmingly ‘yes’. Masturbation is one of mankind’s basic tools to self-soothe – a fundamental ability that humans have to survive life. It relieves stress, calms, and creates pleasure.
“It is not possible to wank too much. It only becomes a problem when it’s your only tool to deal with anxiety. It’s important to have other stress relievers in your life, such as exercise or sex. There is another issue: a lot of men feel guilty or ashamed about it. The classic scenario is when a woman finds porn on her partner’s computer and feels he’s cheated. But I’d suggest that the relationship may be rather fragile. And of course, women masturbate too…
“However, masturbation should never be a complete replacement for sex with a partner. If, in a relationship, wanking goes up as sex goes down, I’d say there’s a conflict in the relationship that needs to be addressed. If you are in a relationship, remember: wanking does not have to be a lone pursuit.”
Bernd Leygraf is a consultant psychosexual therapist based in London
7% of men can’t remember if they’ve ever let anything inside their bum during sex
(At least that’s what they’re telling us.)
Here’s what you thought your erect penises were roughly equivalent to
1.93% Stick of lip balm. 10.61% Nokia 3210. 64.81% Standard sausage (before cooking). 20.70% Relay race baton. 1.95% Sainsbury’s baguettine.
Am I big enough? What is big enough? It’s been the throbbing question on every man’s mind since our club-carrying ancestors first painted massive Johnsons on cave walls in the dark. Recently, the British Journal of Urology finally cast light on man’s oldest insecurity. They laboriously measured 15,521 penises – both hard and soft – in a bid to “reassure the large majority of men that the size of their penis is in the normal range.” The answer? 5.16 inches erect, and 3.6 inches flaccid. There, now you know – we’ll leave the maths to you.
What’s it like to be really, really, really, really well hung?
Jonah Falcon, 44, from New York, owns the world’s largest penis. It is 9.5 inches (24cm) flaccid and 13.5 inches (34cm) when erect
“I first realised my penis was above average size when I measured myself at the age of 10. I was 8in hard and didn’t think anything of it to be quite honest. My schoolmates were, of course, amazed the first time they saw it in the changing rooms.
“Are there downsides to having a big penis? Well, sometimes it will dip into the toilet water, which can be problematic in certain cases.
“Sex in general isn’t really a problem, though oral sex can be challenging. I’m thicker than my wrist and some scrape teeth on it. I seldom get fully erect when someone is blowing me because of this. I’ll get bigger if they’re super enthusiastic.
“I have had to reassure men about the size of their penises at times. But I am of the ‘how you use it’ camp, and I know how to use the sheer size to do certain things other guys may not be able to.
“My own opinion has been that psychology plays more of a part with penis size during sex than anything else. The conceptualisation of something more than twice normal stretching them wide is more arousing than the actual penetration; it’s basically mental foreplay during intercourse, enhancing the actual physical stimulation. Women who prefer small penises probably use that same mental stimulation of a discreet member entering them.
“Women tend to get excited over penises that react favourably in their presence. People like to feel like they turn the other person on, and vice versa. They don’t need the ‘small penises are exciting, too!’ spiel. All penises are exciting, regardless of size.”
22% of men don’t actually know if they’re in love
If you are one of the confused, you are not alone. “What is love?” was the most Googled query in 2012, according the search engine. Last year it came third, beaten only by Ebola and the muscle-wasting disease ALS.
32% of men hate their job
You’re still doing the spreadsheet your boss asked you to write five days ago. It doesn’t take five days to do a spreadsheet. You know this, your boss knows this. Nobody even wants the spreadsheet you’re pretending to make. Work wasn’t supposed to be like this… and you hate it.
But you’re not the only one. A report published last year by Gallup, the Washington, DC-based polling organisation, found that only 13% of workers across 189 countries felt engaged by their jobs. If you’re not one of them, it’s time for a change. Just don’t go out and buy a pub (see list).
Top five happiest jobs: Clergy; Chief executive/senior official; Agriculture/horticulture proprietor; Company secretary; Quality assurance.
Top five unhappiest jobs: Publican; Elementary construction; Debt/rent collector; Industrial cleaner; Floorer/wall tiler. Source: Cabinet Office, which ranked 274 professions in order of job satisfaction
More than half our readers don’t take selfies
Do you feel like the only one in your friendship group not populating their photo stream with a never-ending procession of their own face? According to a survey, you’re not alone. And this is a good thing: Ohio State University recently discovered that men who took a lot of selfies were more likely to be narcissists, prone to ‘self-objectification’ and even psychopathy.
36% of you do a lot of exercise
Are you more sofa than man? Do your arteries resemble Pizza Hut stuffed crusts? Get your arse in gear and work up a sweat (the vast majority of our readers do some kind of exercise on a semi-regular basis). Get out. Jog to the pub. Jog back. Have sex, which, according to research by American science journal PlusOne, burns 4.2 calories a minute for men (3.1cpm for women). Benenden’s Healthcare National Health Report 2014 found the average British man does 73 minutes of cardio per week. That’s 77 minutes less than the NHS recommends, but it’s better than raising a pint to your beer hole.
40% of men drink more than 4 pints a week
Who doesn’t like to blow the froth off a few pints of a weekend? Joy vacuums, that’s who. But here’s a sobering fact: the average Brit drinks 1,337 units of alcohol, or about 445 pints of beer a year. That’s eight and a half pints a week, according to the World Health Organisation.
46% of you have slept with five people or less
The average guy sleeps with nine people in his lifetime, which, according to a recent poll, is about right. There is a theory called The Rule of 10 – the idea that if someone’s slept with too few people, they’ll be perceived as a fumbling sexual novice but too many partners means they’ll be morally bankrupt and possibly riddled with all sorts of diseases.
Less than half of readers can categorically say “I’ve never cheated on a partner”
For shame. For shame.
The 8 reasons people cheat – why we mess about like goddamn, no-good scrubs, according to a study by psychologist Julia Omarzu: 26% lack of sexual satisfaction in your primary relationship; 19% you’re curious and want new experiences; 19% wanting emotional validation from someone else; 15% lack of emotional satisfaction in your primary relationship; 7% desire for additional sexual encounters; 6% falling in love with someone new; 4% falling out of love with your partner; 4% wanting to seek revenge.
31% of readers say they are uncomfortable being totally naked in front of someone
It’s how Him Upstairs intended us to be, right? Still, research at the University of the West of England found in 2012 that 38% of men would sacrifice at least a year of their life in exchange for a perfect body while 63% said they were paranoid that their arms or chests weren’t muscly enough. Another survey last year found a quarter of men aged between 20 and 30 are so self-conscious about being in the nip that they prefer to have sex with the lights turned off.
Why it’s good to be nude – Andrew Welch, 49, is commercial manager of British Naturism
“When I tell people I’m a naturist, they giggle. In the UK, more than any other Western European country, there is embarrassment about the body. We’re bombarded with images that tell us what is beautiful but the truth is, we’re all beautiful. You don’t have to live in a box just because your abs aren’t as chiselled as David Beckham’s.
“And when it comes to the human body, there is no such thing as normal. We are all different. In a naturist environment you will see tall, short, fat and thin people, big breasts and small penises. Nobody’s judging each other out and nobody’s embarrassed.
“Nudity does not have to always imply sex. Even when we have our pounding discos at our events (something everyone should try!) there are lots of bits jiggling around and it’s absolutely fantastic – not in a sexual way; a liberating one.
“Even the Queen and the Pope are naked under their clothes. It’s how we’re meant to be. So try it. And who knows? It may change your life.” bn.org.uk
More than four-fifths of you trim your privates
Experts suggest that to maintain a ship-shape schlong, the average man should tend to his foliage every 12-14 days.
42%: Men’s greatest fear is not being able to achieve their dreams
Forget the black-clad bogeymen of ISIS and the fiscal minefield of being able to afford a house and a family – what really scares us men is not being able to tick a load of stuff off our bucket lists.
What’s it like being able to achieve your dreams? In 2009, Ben Southall, then 34, from Petersfield, Hampshire, beat nearly 35,000 applicants to win a ‘dream job’ as caretaker of Hamilton Island on the Great Barrier Reef
“Waking up every day looking across the Coral Sea from up high in my $3.5 million villa was an incredible pleasure and I’d often have to pinch myself to confirm it was for real. In six months I visited over 60 different islands, dived at over 100 locations on the Great Barrier Reef, flew helicopters and met Hollywood’s glitterati on the red carpet in LA.
“But paradise has its downsides. In the final week of my job, I was stung by a tiny, deadly jellyfish called an Irukandji and spent the next eight hours in hospital on a cocktail of drugs while I vomited, sweated and writhed in pain.
“I think if you live the lifestyle you dream of, you’re as close as you can get to true happiness. We have one chance on Planet Earth so using every opportunity that comes my way is an important part of it.
“Fulfilling your dreams is one way to achieve happiness but it should exist inside you long before you strive to make them happen. Succeeding with my day-to-day goal of being happy with friends and family gives me the strength and confidence to go out into the world ready to take on the bigger challenges and accomplish my dreams in life.”
Follow Ben’s Best Life in the World expedition – an overland journey from Singapore to London – bestlifeintheworld.com
From the May 2015 issue of FHM India.
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