Defuse Your Angry Bomb: The Secrets Of Self-Control

Don’t become the next normal person to go over the edge, turn your anger into cool-channelled success.

Train delays. Pay freezes. Relationship issues. Twenty-minute lunch hours. Traffic jams. Slow Wi-Fi. Call centres. Guys hitting on your girlfriend. Your phone losing reception in tunnels… In 21st century India the list of things that gets your fist twitching is almost endless. The trouble is, as shown by Salman Khan and Shah Rukh Khan’s scrap, losing your shit rarely ends well. So read on as FHM reveals the tips and tricks you can use to remain calm when all you want to do is ‘nut the wanker’ or throw your computer at the wall.

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Supercharge your office self-control

Signs you’re too angry: Punching the desk; shouting at colleagues; sending aggressive emails; flipping out about IT; building up a simmering hatred for co-workers; hitting your computer; door slamming; passive/aggressive notes about the cleanliness of mugs; starring in a ‘man trashes office’ viral.

Worrying facts: 40% of workers are stressed; 75% of workers are unhappy with their current roles; people are more likely to lose it during a recession.

When employees go postal: America: land of the free, home of the brave and the place where it’s least advisable to piss off a colleague. In Chicago in 2003, an unnamed “disgruntled employee who either had been terminated or was going to be terminated” shot six of his co-workers before being shot by police. In Connecticut in 2010, Omar Thornton – a “recent hire with a disciplinary problem” – killed eight of his fellow staff at a beer warehouse. And last December in California, 48-year-old utility company officer worker Andre Turner killed two colleagues and himself after receiving a reprimand for missing an audit deadline.

Top anger-avoidance tip: “If you feel yourself getting angry, instead of reacting instantly, try to take some time out to think about the situation,” advises Pete Kerridge of Harley Street Psychotherapy. “Go to the toilet or get a drink in the kitchen, let your anger cool and think about how you can react without externalising your temper and potentially ruining a relationship or internalising the matter and building up the resentment. One good way is to be assertive and communicate the feelings behind the anger. So if someone’s not done the task that they said they would, instead of screaming or bottling your anger up, look them in the eyes and assertively say: ‘I feel really let down and have a problem because of you. Don’t let it happen again.’ This converts your anger into something constructive.”

3 more ways to supercharge your office self-control

1. Ask for what you want: “If people don’t ask, then they don’t get, so they get angry,” reckons anger management specialist David Woolfson. “Take a risk, be brave and ask your boss for what you want. Note: if the answer is no, don’t take it personally.”

2. Stop: “Whenever you feel your temper rising tell yourself to stop and count to ten,” advises Woolfson. “Then when you reach ten, walk away, telling your colleague that you’re angry, so you can’t talk sensibly now, but you will come back later.”

3. Gather all the information available: “When a mouse sees a cat it runs away without thinking, ‘Is it sleeping or not?’” says Kerridge. “Humans do the same. We let our anger get the better of us before thinking about whether it’s really justified. Take the time to consider the facts and you’ll see the benefits.”

What happens when you get angry

Meet your red-faced and extremely unhealthy alter ego.

Step one: “Anger is a human’s ‘one of us is going to be dinner’ survival response, so it comes out at a time when we perceive ourselves to be under threat,” explains David Woolfson. “Millions of years ago this was when we came face-to-face with a dinosaur, but now people go into fight or flight mode in pubs, crowds or on sports pitches.”

Step two: “Once you enter fight or flight mode your body channels blood into your heart and lungs, resulting in a faster heartbeat and deeper breathing,” says Dr Sneh Khemka, Medical Director of Bupa International. “This gives you more energy allowing you to fight or run away.”

Step three: “Your pupils will also dilate, so that you can see more clearly,” continues Dr Khemka. “Your senses become more aware and your temperature rises.” Oh, and your digestive tract is affected too, which may mean losing bowel or bladder control. Oopsie.

Step four: This is the crucial stage. “Either you can resume control and suppress your feelings. Or you will continue and the disagreement will escalate,” says Dr Khemka.

Step five: You may have won the argument. But, ultimately, you’ll lose the war. “Studies show that the more often you get angry the more your blood pressure goes up,” says Dr Khemka. “This is bad for your mental health, as it has a direct correlation with depression.”

Ramp up your relationship zen

Signs you’re too angry: Regular arguments; doing things because you know it annoys your partner; constantly splitting up and getting back together; unspoken jealousy; the silent treatment; throwing things; difficulty sleeping; irrational hatred of a TV programme; taking everything personally; public disagreements; always having to be right.

Worrying facts: There’s been a 100% increase in divorce rates in India in the past five years alone. In Britain, on an average, a couple chalks up a whopping 2,455 arguments per year; 60% of people in anger management recognise that their anger stems from personal relationships.

When boyfriends go postal: Colchester resident Stuart Sainty is currently serving two years in prison for a number of assaults during a night out in Cambridge. The 33-year-old’s rampage was sparked when he broke the cheekbone of a guy who was “out of order to his girlfriend”. “He reacted by karate kicking the victim in the face,” revealed prosecuting lawyer Sara Walker. Sainty then indulged in a further headbutt/rib kick combo, before being arrested by police.

Top anger-avoidance tip: “The antidote to all these issues is communicating,” says Pete Kerridge. “Lots of people in relationships avoid confrontation and get at their partner through passive/aggressive actions like not picking up their clothes or not taking out the bins. It goes without saying this doesn’t work. Instead, talk about why you feel angry with each other or the situation will grow until you have two options: split up or seek counselling.” And given the former route leaves you single and the latter route leaves you shelling out up to £150 an hour, it’s probably time to stop ‘mistakenly’ covering the pan in urine and start telling your lady you hate her best friend.

3 more ways to ramp up your relationship zen

1. Don’t always have to be right: “Very angry people often have a strong need to be right,” reveals David Woolfson. “Let go of this and you’ll stop seeing the world in black and white and right and wrong.”

2. Be curious: “Instead of presuming your girlfriend did something to anger you, ask why she did it,” says Woolfson. “It is probably because she has a different moral code to you. Now ask more questions and explore these differences and you will understand each other more.”

3. Be specific: “Over-generalisation is a huge problem,” says Kerridge. “Tell the person what they’ve done to annoy you and they will be able to learn from it. Call them a complete idiot and they won’t, so they’ll repeat it.”

Upgrade your in-car calm

Signs you’re too angry: One-fingered salutes; in-car arguments; tail-gating; verbal slanging matches; punching the dashboard; rampaging heartbeat; being a music dictator; revving in traffic jams; overuse of horn; speeding up when a pedestrian crosses in front of you.

Worrying facts: The first ever Global Status Report on Road Safety by the World Health Organisation revealed that 13 people die every hour on Indian roads, making it top the global list of deaths in road accidents. Andhra Pradesh has the highest share of deaths due to road accidents (12%) followed by Maharashtra and Uttar Pradesh (11% each).

When drivers go postal: Kenneth Noye and Scottish gangster Paul Lyons are serving long sentences for murder on the road, and bus driver Gavin Hill is just starting a 17-month sentence for deliberately knocking a cyclist off his bike, but a less publicised incident occurred last November when Ontario native Gregory Tedford brandished a chainsaw during a road rage argument. “You messed with the wrong hillbilly,” screamed the Canadian, after becoming enraged by a tail-gating pickup truck driver. Tedford tried to start the chainsaw 15 times, before finally giving up on it and slashing three of the pickup’s tyres with a knife. He pleaded guilty to aggravated assault.

Top anger-avoidance tip: “The moment you stop taking things personally is the moment you will only experience half the anger,” says David Woolfson. “So the next time someone does something you don’t agree with on the road, don’t think, ‘He cut me up’, because he didn’t. He cut the car up. Think about it like this and your anger will decrease considerably.”

3 more ways to upgrade your in-car calm

1. Self-monitor your anger: “If you become aware of what happens to your emotions and your body when you get angry, then you can start to recognise the signs and challenge them when they emerge,” says Pete Kerridge.

2. Predict the future: “You can change your whole outlook if you are realistic before you get in the car,” says David Woolfson. “If you start knowing that there are going to be poor drivers on the road and that the journey will take more time than it should, then you won’t be surprised or angry when someone undertakes you or you get stuck in traffic.”

3. Consider your navigator’s priorities: “If you are driving a car and have someone navigating, then your goals are not identical,” reveals Pete Kerridge. “Your priority is getting to the destination, but your navigator’s priority is doing you a favour, so think about that before having a go at them.”

What kind of angry bastard are you?

Imploder? Exploder? Winder-upper? Take our quiz and find your temper type.

1. A colleague sends you an email you strongly disagree with, do you?

• a) Swear loudly, then send an arsey message back.
• b) Stomp over to their desk and have it out with them.
• c) Moan under your breath, then ignore it.
• d) Reply mocking the sender’s points.

2. Someone jumps in front of you in the queue at McDonald’s, do you?

• a) Confront them about why they believe they are more important than every other customer.
• b) Give them two options: they move or you move them.
• c) Bubble silently inside.
• d) Slag off their dress sense.

3. You finally get through to your bank’s call centre after being on hold for 20 minutes, do you?

• a) Query why such a big company has so few staff.
• b) Demand compensation and claim you’re changing banks if it happens again.
• c) Say nothing, as it’s not the person on the phone’s fault.
• d) Scream “At last!”

4. A guy grinds up against your lady pal, do you?

• a) Ask him why he thinks he has a right to touch her.
• b) Grind in between them and, if he reacts, have him.
• c) Pretend you don’t notice and head for the bar.
• d) Eyeball him while sticking your tongue down your girlfriend’s throat.

5. Your flatmate leaves their dishes unwashed again, do you?

• a) Storm into his room and ask him what the hell he thinks he’s doing?
• b) Storm into his room and throw the dishes at him.
• c) Huff loudly, then do the dishes.
• d) Forget to flush your turd next time you’re in the crapper.

6. In footie, a dickhead jumps in two-footed on you, do you?

• a) Jump up and get in his face about how he could have ended your career.
• b) Jump up and square up to him.
• c) Brush yourself off and let the ref deal with it.
• d) Flash an imaginary card in the direction of the referee.

7. A guy who owes you cash doesn’t mention it the next time you see him, do you?

• a) Take him to one side and demand an explanation.
• b) Tell him he better have it next time or you’re finished.
• c) Seethe silently.
• d) Make snarky comments throughout the night about how expensive his clothes look.

8. Your computer freezes and you lose all your work, do you?

• a) Phone up IT and tell them they’re a bunch of twats.
• b) Shout “Fuck”, punch the desk and shake the screen.
• c) Take it on the chin, it’s usually pretty reliable.
• d) Pace around ranting about the “prehistoric” equipment.

Your anger type

Mostly As: You are an interrogator. You explode in a torrent of “whys?” in a bid to make the object of your ire ashamed.

Mostly Bs: You are an intimidator. You try to take control of the situation by being aggressive, eyeballing people and screaming.

Mostly Cs: You are a distancer. A classic imploder, you hide your feelings away and claim you don’t have a problem to avoid confrontation.

Mostly Ds: You are a winder-upper. You can’t face confrontation, so use cynicism and sarcasm to wind others up until they display your unexpressed anger.

From the May 2012 issue of FHM India.