Don't Get Mugged, Get Smart: The Anti-Mugging Guide
Think your cash is safe tucked into your shoe? From fake families in Shimla to razor-wielding pickpockets in Delhi, the popular ruses to watch for and how to beat them.
You think your cash is safe because you tucked it into your shoe? Yep, they’d never look there. The anti-mugging guide for times when you run out of room in the Y-fronts.
You have a right be nervous if you’re lugging around wads of cash in your wallet or boot (if you intend to get yourself some spectrum or want to buy a pilot’s license all in time before dinner). As we swapped stories of various ludicrous ways in which we got mugged, one interesting statistic popped up. Snatchers can be fought off. But if you’re accosted by a gang of chicks chasing something more than your zipper you my friend are buggered. Yes boys, a lot of gangs have babes in their ranks - like that hot blonde in Hustle. So that this never happens again, keep ’em peeled for these popular ruses...
We’re family
The ruse: Common enough on the busy mall road of Shimla and McLodgang (Dharamshala). You’re walking around buying the usual Chinese knockoffs when a trio approaches you holding a map or mobile phone begging for help.
While daddy distracts you with his questions, mommy stands right next to you, masking her ‘daughter’, as she expertly rifles through your pockets before disappearing with the loot.
Crime-fighting tactic: Ignore the desperate pleas for help and march onwards.
Hey handsome!
The ruse: Getting mugged by a gaggle of Bong beauties isn’t unheard of on the buses and metro of Kolkata. While you animatedly discuss the best places to score samosas and ‘misti doi’ (sweet curd) with the hotties, the quieter young lady with a jhola covering her busy hand, helps herself to all your stuff.
Crime-fighting tactic: The minute you’re surrounded by girls in any given situation, grab all of your valuables to your chest and refuse to interact with them. Sexy: no. Practical: yes.
The razor
The ruse: It’s not unusual for pickpockets in Delhi to be tooled up with razor blades, with many of them now extremely deft when it comes to performing a Caesarean section on the bulbous part of a lady’s handbag. On trains, buses, or in long queues at the shops, this technique will usually involve the pickpocket dissecting a bag from the bottom and helping themselves to the falling finery like a slot-machine veteran silently scooping up their winnings.
Crime-fighting tactic: Make sure that your womenfolk always carry their handbags directly in front of them.
The ketchup
The ruse: It’s very rare that someone ‘accidentally’ squirts ketchup/mustard on another human being. So if this happens to you, and the squirter just so happens to have a pocket full of tissue paper to wipe you down, you’re actually being cleaned with one hand and done over with the other one during the commotion.
Crime-fighting tactic: Carry your own tissues with you at all times and – if you do get into a ketchup/mustard mishap – demand that the perpetrator backs off immediately.
The sickly gentleman
The ruse: Normally taking place on public transport, one half of this double act pretends to be doing poorly – groaning, holding head, sobbing, etc – before “fainting” into you as you’re about to get down the bus. An accomplice then quickly empties your pockets as you attempt to lift the fainter to his feet. Yes, it might feel like your usual clumsy exit from a bus, but it isn’t. It’s burglary.
Crime-fighting tactic: Steer clear of ill people.
From the April 2011 issue of FHM India.
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