Essential Skills: 12 Ways To Make Sure She Never Has A ‘Headache’

1. Cuddle, don’t grope. As much as you would like to let your hands go about their usual wandering business, it is the biggest sin you could commit. No, she does not go into an orgasmic swoon the minute you start to slobber her. Necking is a good way to get her charged up for some wild crazy monkey sex.

2. Join a band. “The girls go with the record sales. As the sales go up, the girls get prettier,” says Kid Rock. When your record sells 50,000 copies you’re hooking up with the ‘bigger’ women. Okay that’s probably pushing your luck a little. Start small. Learn how to play an instrument. Chicks dig a guy slamming on his guitar.

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3. Keep it positive. Being a celebrity helps. According to Quentin Tarantino, you should never feel a girl is unattainable. But when you spend your time renting videos, it’s hard getting lucky. Be optimistic, work your charm and you’ll get with the ladies sooner than you think.

4. Lunch or dinner date? A lunch invitation is more likely to result in a ‘yes’ than the offer of an after-hours drink or dinner. That should leave you with enough time to allure her with your magnetic appeal and maybe to even change her mind so she decides to stay for drinks, which should ideally lead to some mad sex.

5. Confidence is king. The first time Shia LaBeouf had sex, he was trying to portray himself as a man who had done it many times already. “I didn’t tell the girl I was a virgin. I was ‘Don’t worry, babe. I’m gonna handle it tonight,’ and meanwhile I was shaking in my boots.” But she can never know that. Believe in your own lies and you might just get real lucky.

6. The great Viagra debate Whether to take or not to take? Mötley Crüe’s Nikki Sixx has tried Viagra and Cialis on the road. “That s*** rocks. We were playing somewhere and there was this beautiful model who came to the show and we hung out. She was funny, witty – we just felt something.” But only experiment with it if you feel sex is imminent. You don’t want to pop a boner for 6 hours straight and be stood up, in the same night.

7. Ease off the bottle. Alcohol might trigger the horniness but it decreases your ability to actually do something about it. It apparently also affects a woman’s sexual response. More than two or three drinks and you might find them physiologically limited.

8. Avoid a heavy meal before sex Oysters and asparagus are assumed to be aphrodisiacs but this could probably be attributed to their visual associations. Champagne is a better bet. Make sure you choose a less acidic one in case you’re going to be trying out Kama Sutra-esque positions.

9. Oral hygiene Teeth are as important as the groin and armpits. Don’t forget to brush before going on a date or floss after dinner. When kissing a girl, or even sitting close to her, the last thing she wants to smell is your bad breath or notice green gunk stuck between your teeth.

10. Stick with it The more you have sex, the more you learn about what works and what doesn’t. Best is when you can be totally un-self-conscious and try new things. Something like playing with tempo. How about extraordinarily slow sex?

11. No need to rush it Jay Kay met somebody he was quite into and the erotica was really enjoyable. “There was actually very little sexual contact. Just pleasantry, you know?” So there! Take your time. Don’t rush anything and good things will happen.

12. End on a high. Be attentive and brush up your ‘after-sex care’ skills. You should become something of a hospital nurse: a lot of love and care, kissing and cuddling and apologies with the eyes will make sure she keeps coming back for more.

From the May 2011 issue of FHM India.