FHM’s Post-Xmas De-Chub
Too much turkey left you lardy around the midriff? It’s time to shed those piled-on Christmas pounds – and FHM’s got the road-tested lowdown on how to avoid becoming Chubzo McWobbletits.
Cat-Stomach Transplant
What is it? Available at a private clinic in Zurich, this controversial operation involves the patient’s stomach being replaced with that of a donor cat, thereby drastically reducing appetite. Celeb dazzlers such as Tim Lovejoy and Kanye West are rumoured to have undergone so-called ‘meowification’.
They say “Big bum? Cat tum!”
Our reviewer says “Amazing – I’m barely eating at all. However, the urge to lick my balls is more overwhelming than it was before.”
The Screaming Ab-Dabz-Inator
What is it? You’ve probably seen the hard-rockin’ infomercial for this device, featuring an ultra-buff dude screaming “Extreme to da maxxx!” over and over again, as he bangs at his stomach with what appears to be a large metal hammer hooked up to a car battery.
They say “Ab-racadabra! Prepare to get the most f-ab-ulously ab-surd abs from Ab-erdeen to Ab-eryswyth – ab-solutely guar-ab-teed!”
Our reviewer says “Now even my abs have abs! Extreme to da maxxx!”
The All-Coffee Diet
What is it? Coffee – it’s nature’s very own slimming elixir. Celebrity dietician Mitzy Manhands has harnessed the pound-shedding power of caffeine in her bestselling new book. You simply replace solid foods with three cappuccinos for breakfast; four caramel machiattos for lunch; and three iced peppermint mochas and half a dozen espressos for dinner.
She says “I guarantee you’ll never have felt slimmer – or more explosively awake!”
Our reviewer says “I’ve had government helicopters following me for days and they’re trying to transmit bad electricity into my mind.”
Yo!-Ga
What is it? Updating yoga for the 21st-century, Yo!-Ga gives the ancient Hindu fitness regime an edgy hip hop makeover. Sweary, rapping Yo-Ga! instructors reward top-of-the-class attendees with bags of “crack” (actually granola), while forcing slackers to imbibe “ghetto granola” (actually crack).
They say “Bitch, y’all better realign them muhfuckn chakras ’fore yo fat ass get capped, y’feel me?”
Our reviewer says “Having the instructor repeatedly jab a diamond-encrusted handgun into my forehead was a great motivator.”
Fergie’s 30-Day Workout
What is it? Discover the secret behind Sir Alex’s famous physique on this eagerly awaited workout DVD, in which the scarlet-headed hunk bobs up and down, in absolute silence, on a windswept industrial estate, while fixing you with an unblinking stare that’ll freeze the very piss in your bladder.
He says “Ye can git yersel’ fit or ye cun git tae fuck. I dinnae care.”
Our reviewer says “Well, I certainly lost weight: the DVD is several hours long, and I was always too scared to turn it off, in case Fergie clambered out of my telly and shit-eyed me to death like Sadako from The Ring.”
Wellness Wellies
What is it? The latest in muscle-toning footwear, Wellness Wellies feature solid-lead soles weighing 18kg apiece, with both boots connected by a two-inch chain. The resultant gruelling shuffling burns off more calories per 100 yards than jogging dead fast while yelling the Rocky theme.
They say “Whether at work, at play, at church or at disco, Wellness Wellies will have you laboriously shambling your way to Trimsville!”
Our reviewer says “Please. Get these wankers off me.”
Illustration by Jack Teagle
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