Got a Weird Hang-Up? Your Girlfriend Thinks So…

All men have secret neuroses. To find out what’s eating you up beneath that carefully groomed exterior, we asked the experts: your girlfriends.

1 Problem: ‘He’s obsessed with his hair loss’

“My boyfriend must go through two bottles of Rogaine a week,” Aysha Jain moans. “Go into the toilet after him and you need a gas-mask the fumes are so bad.”

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A sudden fondness for Sting’s solo albums aside, baldness is one of the earliest and most traumatic signs of ageing.

The bad news is that, by our mid-30s, two thirds of us will have suffered some hair loss. Troublingly, in one in four cases, male pattern baldness starts before 21. “The thing that really bothers him is that he’s the first of all his mates to go bald, so they give him plenty of stick” admits Aysha. “Mind you, they’re all ugly as sin so I don’t know what they’re so pleased about.”

Solution: “Women are attracted to confident men so instead of worrying, laugh off your receding hairline in a way that’s genuine and she’ll grow to like your hair as part of you – whether you’re thinning or not.”

2 Problem: ‘He hates that I’m the big earner’

She isn’t exactly Laxmi Mittal in a push-up bra. But, financially speaking, Sunidhi Joshi is one of the 10% of modern Indian women who bring home more bacon than their fellas.

“My boyfriend’s been in and out of jobs,” she explains. “Nowadays he spends a lot of time playing on his XBox. We live together so I cover most of the rent. Instead of being grateful, though, he resents me.”

Solution: “If you’re out of work, even if you can’t find your dream job, take one that gives you your own money, because it’ll improve your ego. And if your ego feels better, you’ll find it easier to accept her role as the main bread-winner.”

3 Problem: ‘He thinks he’s hung like a boy’

The first time Madhu Das’ boyfriend asked whether his bedroom tackle was fit for purpose she was astounded. “He even brought up one of my exes and was trying to get me to say who the biggest of them all was.” Her reaction? “I told him he had nothing to be worried about,” she says, a reaction that backs up the research published in urology journal BJU International, which found that women cared more about a man’s personality than the size of his pecker.

Solution: “If you don’t think your penis measures up, make sure you introduce toys and ensure your oral sex technique is excellent.

Most women find it easier to climax this way anyway.”

4 Problem: ‘He’s got status anxiety’

“My boyfriend spends hours festering over the thought of going to dinner with my girlfriends, because he says he’s then forced to spend hours sat round a dinner table with their boyfriends listening to them lie about how well they’re all doing and how much money they’re all making. It leaves him furious for weeks after, and insisting he’ll never go for dinner with ‘those deadbeats’ again. How can I get him to chill out about it?”

Solution: “Remember: life isn’t a 400m race and that it isn’t about reaching the finishing line first. There is no finishing line.

Concentrate on what you want to achieve personally and professionally and the things that make you happy – not how everyone else is doing. Set your own goals rather than focusing on your friends and what they have or haven’t achieved. The things that make them happy won’t necessarily make you feel the same.”

5 Problem: ‘He doesn’t want to go “there”’

“Whenever I ask him to do it, he shakes his head in terror,” says Shefali Kumar, a girl whose other half – according to an Elle magazine study – is one of the 40% of men who refuse to give oral. “And he does that all the time. Often he just waves his hands in the air dismissively when I mention trying it, then talks about something else. Or worse still, rolls his lips back over his bottom teeth.

God, that gets me.”

Solution: “Men with oral sex issues need to remember that sex is a two-way street. In other words: you get what you give.”

6 Problem: ‘He gets up during sex to fold his clothes’

“On occasion,” says Anchal Kapoor, “he makes me stop in the middle of getting down to it, so he can fold up our discarded clothes. Then, once he’s done and placed them in a nice pile, he jumps back on and proceeds to finish,” she continues. “Although I can’t say I’m always able to ‘get back in the mood’.”

Solution: “The answer could be as simple as ‘you’re not that attracted to your girlfriend’ or as complex as ‘you need to escape from emotional intimacy brought on by unresolved issues from previous experiences.”

7 Problem: ‘His body issues stop him sleeping in the nip’

“He has to sleep in his PJ bottoms all night,” says Sheetal, “in case a burglar comes in and he has to wrestle him to the floor. I hate this as I want to cuddle him, but he says he’d be worried that in watching him wrestle a man to the floor I’d see more less attractive parts of a man’s anatomy than the human eye can physically handle.”

Solution: “He obviously has issues with self-image. But he needs to realise Sheetal loves him for who he is and isn’t going to be ‘put off’ by anything she might see – especially if he is bravely wrestling with an intruder at the time. It is important too that he learns to accept his body for what it is. When it comes down to it, he is put together the same way as everyone else.”

8 Problem: ‘He hates being the short-arse in the relationship’

Kanika Malhotra had an epic tiff with her boyfriend after she made a wisecrack about him being being Rajpal Yadav’s younger brother. “He turned very red then refused to speak to me for the rest of the journey,” she recalls. Scientists are divided over whether ‘short man syndrome’ is a genuine psychological condition. What research has shown is that a man 5’4” in height is twice as likely to suffer regular bouts of jealousy than someone 6’2”. “I’ve never joked about his height again,’’ says Kanika.

Solution: “Ignore media ideals of ‘the perfect body’, which always make you feel less good about your appearance.

Instead compare yourself with more realistic targets – such as similarly aged friends.”

9 Problem: ‘He’s terrified of public displays of affection’

Says Sonali Shrivastav: “While walking to the pub, I slipped my hand into his and he pulled away. You’d think I was contagious.” She soon discovered her bloke’s symptoms aren’t that unique: one in ten men outright refuse to do PDAs. “He can’t even hug his mum without turning into a rag doll,” she continues. “Thank God we don’t live in Italy. Who knows how he’d cope with all the kisses.”

Solution: “Holding your partner’s hand or hugging your mother doesn’t make you a wimp. In fact, it doesn’t make you anything, because no one cares, as no one is looking at you.

Instead let go and just express how you feel.”

10 Problem: ‘He thinks he’s ugly’

Scientists say that the ‘Adonis Complex’ is the curse of thousands of image-conscious modern men. “The truth is,” adds Anjali Mathur, “he does remind me of Alan from 2 and a Half Men, but I don’t want to hurt his feelings.

Solution: “Play sport or hit the gym to counter these feelings. Research shows that men who exercise tend to show increased body satisfaction – even if there’s no objective change in the way you look. In doing so, your focus might switch from concern over your appearances to those of fitness.”

From the June 2011 issue of FHM India.