Home Alone: What Men Really Do When She Goes Out

To get to the bottom of one of life’s few remaining mysteries, namely what men do when they’ve got the house to themselves – be it at their girlfriend’s place, or the home they co-habit with their womenfolk – FHM sent out a probing survey. Yes, a certain amount of sexual tension is relieved (although not as much as women suspect) but more disturbingly, 10% of you see it as an opportunity to do absolutely NOTHING. Here’s what else our very scientific study found...

The ways you like to make use of an empty house

• 18% watch sport on TV
• 13% play computer games
• 10% do nothing
• 8% look at internet pornography
• 7% relax
• 5% clean the house
• 5% eat
• 4% drink alcohol
• 3% smoke pot
• 3% read
• 3% sleep
• 1% none of these

What you told us

“My girlfriend can’t stand watching sport, so I tend to Tata Sky Plus World Cup matches, then watch it over the week during the stolen moments when she’s not in the house. It normally takes the whole week to get through it bit by bit.” (rahul, 28)

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“It’s like having your single life back for a really brief window, so I do all the things that I’m not allowed to do now that I’m married and responsible. That tends to involve playing computer games in my pants and smoking half a joint in the back garden.” (vijay, 25)

“The minute the door shuts, the Xbox comes on.” (sumit, 27)

“I like to mark my territory by silently leaving my smell in each room in the house.” (rishabh, 26)

“I either raid the fridge or search for the elusive sex toy – she must have one!” (David, 30)

“I like to reconnect with the net – see how it’s getting on pornographically speaking.” (Ankit, 31)

“I like to bury my face in meat, drink a full pint of lager, and then look at naked women. Or, if I’m not in the mood for any of that, I might tidy up the house a bit. Sounds girly, but it gets me in the good books. I like being in the good books.” (subbu, 33)

“I’m a bit of a secret chain smoker, so any time on my own is spent repeatedly using the end of one cigarette to light the next one. I’ll then spend the rest of the time refreshing and disinfecting my mouth to avoid the inevitable anti-smoking rage when she gets home.” (ajay, 30)

“I know it sounds childish, but now that I’m living with my girlfriend, I just don’t really get to masturbate that much – so it’s a bit of a treat. When she goes out, I like to dim the lights, put on some nice background music, then absolutely go bananas on myself. It’s like a date.” (manan, 29)

What your other halves think you get up to

Unsurprisingly they could only think of one activity… Women suspect that you:

• 39% play with yourselves
• 28% look at porn
• 14% play computer games
• 11% watch sport on TV
• 7% sleep
• 1% smoke

What they said

“I’m pretty sure he spends a long time on my toilet, steals my cosmetics, then pleasures himself in my bed.” (Neeti, 26)

“Plays computer games, has a tug, sleeps... on loop until I get home.” (Divya, 32)

“I would imagine they all just have a big old pull on you know what.” (Anindya, 29)

“I came home one afternoon and caught my boyfriend masturbating in the front room! The front room! There wasn’t even porn on the telly! How does that even work?” (Karen, 26)

“He used to look at internet porn – I know this because I’d check the history. Hilariously, he’d always pretend that he’d been really busy.” (Resham, 30)

From the March 2011 issue of FHM India.