How Hard Is It To Smuggle Booze?
There’s no quicker route to bankruptcy than paying for pint after pint at a festival or sports arena – beat the system with illicit, smuggled-in grog!
#LOLHAT
The plan: You’ll need a ye olde worlde top hat, of the type only ever worn by those look-how-ironic-my-festival-outfit-is-ahaha guys. Underneath is a bottle o’ spirits, held in place by hairclips and laggy bands.
Completely arseholed
The plan: Classic prison-style smuggling: slip your booze inside a condom and glide it up inside your nipsy. You ’eard. Whether you bum-smuggle a 5cl miniature or a 2-litre box of wine will all depend on how, er, “accommodating” you are.
Armed and dangerous(ly pissed)
The plan: Fashion yourself a fake arm using a sling, a stuffed glove and a bottle of Grant’s for the forearm. Your actual arm, meanwhile, goes behind your back (and then quickly around your front, should security start feelin’ round).
Sneaky sneakers
The plan: Slash the air bubbles on your Nikes, turn the shoes on their sides, fill the soles with vodka and reseal with superglue. Yes, you’ve just killed a pair of £90 creps for the sake of 10 shots of voddy, but desperate times etc etc.
Mouthslosh
The plan: Take a bottle of mouthwash, empty it out, replace it with gin, vodka or white rum and add a drop of food colouring. Ta-daa! If you want to get all James Bond about it, superglue the tamper-evident seal back in place.
Wet-wiped out
The plan: Slash a pack of wet wipes. Hang them out and allow them to dry overnight. Soak the wipes in vodka, return to the packet and reseal with tape. Then, whenever you fancy a tipple, simply suck on a boozified wipe. Mmm!
On a roll
The plan: Purchase one of those nine-packs of bog roll with the plastic handle on top. Slice three openings directly above the cardboard tubes, slide booze down the tubes and reseal with Sellotape. Et voilà.
Jedi method
The plan: This is the hiding-in-plain-sight trick, as used by ninjas, spies and Jimmy Savile. If security does clock the blatant bottle of Jack under your arm, simply wave your hand in the air and say, “These are not the droids you’re looking for.”
Prison pudding
The plan: Bake a mahoossive cake, hollow out the base, stick a bottle of spirits in there and put the cake in a tupperware box. Tip: don’t bake the booze inside the cake, lest it fucking explode.
Booze boots
The plan: Make a pair of wellies look grimly untouchable by caking them in manurey mud so they look like they’ve been left to rot since Glastonbury 2011. Security will give them a wide berth – so slip some cheeky booze in there.
From the July 2013 issue of FHM India.
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