How to Have a Romp in the Woods
There is only one kind of sex better than vacation sex and that’s the on-the-way-to-vacation sex. The mile high club members never had it this good!
1) Don’t panic, you misread the headline – It says how to ‘have a romp in the woods’, not how to ‘have a romp with Woods’. Put down the golf clubs.
2) There is nothing pseudo-intellectual about a romp in the woods, so stop overthinking it.
3) Check your pin code. If it begins with a ‘4’ followed by ‘000’ and you can make that annoying whistle noise, then the closest you’ll get to the woods is Nana-Nani Park. Though we know at least one friend who proudly claims to have had a go behind the bushes there but it’s not like he did it in Central Park, New York.
4) If your pin code begins with a ‘1’ followed by ‘000’ or most others (unless you’re living in Chandigarh, from where you can always drive out to the hills) – you’re doing better – on paper at least. For starters, your parks have trees instead of shrubs; that especially holds true if you live in Delhi. Right up until sister Mayawati decided to pour pink sandstone over them, there were actually woods less than 10 kms away. Granted they were woods with Home Guard cops looking to extract money from couples in the throes of passion, but woods nevertheless. FYI Home Guard duty finishes at 9 pm. It’s illegal for them to extract money after that or wear their uniform.
5) Carry protection… Oh and carry some rubber as well. Remember the ‘What do you get when you have sex on the beach’ joke? A much more exfoliating version of that might happen if you go sheet-less in the wild. There can and will be delicate areas that moisturiser will not reach and no matter how discreet you think you are – someone can and will see you scratching your ass.
6) Be prepared – stock up on cash. Not too much, not too little; about Rs 2000 should be enough – for the cops of course. Dude!
7) Kit up and be sly about it. You may be somehow related to Tarzan but walking around with skinned knees is still not a happy experience – trust us. Plus, as someone wisely pointed out, green grass stains are the worst in the world to get rid of. Ideally, roll down your jeans till just above your knees.
8) Convince her to wear a skirt; it’s easier access. The only thing worse than a person being caught in the woods with their pants down is two people caught in the woods with their pants down. Then of course this isn’t the West, they wouldn’t send you off for lewd behaviour – no matter what age you are. They’d probably threaten to call your parents instead.
9) Burn the period fiction that got you hooked on to the word ‘romp’ in the first place. Things were different in the 18th century – with the way our population is growing odds are you’d bump into someone else on, during or on your way back from the romp. Don’t say we didn’t warn you!
10) Remember that scene from the dastardly book again – when she lets out a moan that reverberates through the forest? Population density has screwed up things on this one too. So unless you want to sound out a call to prayer for everyone in a 2 sq km radius – shushh.
11) Be realistic. This will not necessarily be the best sex you’ll ever have. It’ll be good sex but remember a romp in the woods is a bit like your maiden solo paragliding ride – the experience is much more thrilling than the actual act.
12) Most importantly, don’t forget that this one has to be a quickie. Even though we’re beginning to realise the ‘How To’ pages read like a crusade against foreplay – there is really no way out.
Man fact: 57 per cent Americans say they’ve had sex outdoors
From the November 2010 issue of FHM India.
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