Pimp Your Cheese On Toast
Cheese shop founder Patricia Michelson and FHM dish up 14 classy twists on the old-school snack, from croque monsieur to the Texas massacre – plus five healthy cheeses.
UK’s cheese shop founder Patricia Michelson and FHM dish up some classy twists on this old-school snack. Try ’em all!
1. Croque monsieur
Ingredients: Grated Gruyère, three slices of smoked ham, salt and pepper
Pat says: “Swiss mountain cheese tastes so good due to the sweet salty crystalisation that happens when it ages.”
Tastes: Strong and stinky, like a French weightlifter.
2. Yeah, but naan
Ingredients: Large naan bread, three slices paneer cheese, coriander
Pat says: “A pack of paneer cheese is sold every 30 seconds, somewhere in this crazy, cheese-loving world.”
Tastes: Like being fired out of a cannon into the Taj Mahal.
3. Welsh rarebit
Ingredients: Wholegrain bread, mature Cheddar, Welsh ale, mustard powder, salad, Worcester sauce
Pat says: “Welsh rarebit is supposed to be called Welsh rabbit, it’s just commonly misspelt.”
Tastes: Fel rhyw mewn ysgubor!
4. The Mad Man
Ingredients: Applewood smoked Cheddar, sherry vinegar
Pat says: “The Cheddar is smoked over actual apple wood, which gives it a tangy spiciness.”
Tastes: Pleasantly smoky, like the charred remains of a shoe shop that was set on fire by looters.
5. The weight watcher
Ingredients: Vogel’s seedy batch, reduced-fat Cheddar, spinach
Pat says: “Reduced-fat cheese is a nonsense ‘healthy option’ because it’s usually full of salt.”
Tastes: The opposite of Nigella Lawson’s lovely fat arse.
6. Egg surprise
Ingredients: Thick-cut white with a hole cut out, one egg, sliced Cheddar, salt and pepper
Pat says: “Extra-mature Cheddar needs to be matured for 15 months before it’s nice and strong.”
Tastes: Like pickled horse dick! No, it tastes like egg. Obviously.
7. Patchwork counties
Ingredients: White bread, red Leicester, Cheddar, Wensleydale
Pat says: “Red Leicester isn’t naturally red. It’s coloured red with annatto seed to attract attention from all the other cheeses that look the same.”
Tastes: Nothing like the City of Leicester.
8. The Posho
Ingredients: Toasted brioche, goat’s cheese, caramelised onion chutney, swan feathers (optional)
Pat says: “Goat’s cheese contains a third of the fat of cow’s milk cheese (eg Cheddar), and is easier to digest.”
Tastes: Half cake, half toast, all joy.
9. Poor man’s pizza
Ingredients: White bread, mozzarella, ketchup, Peperami, onions, peppers
Pat says: “Mozzarella came to prominence in Naples in the 18th century.”
Tastes: Best when you’re drunk. So drunk that you try and chat-up a night bus.
10. Texas cheese on toast massacre
Ingredients: Thick-sliced white, Cheddar slices with Mexican spices, Tabasco, guacamole
Pat says: “Processed cheese’s main advantage is it lasts longer.”
Tastes: Cheap and spicy. Like your mum. Joking!
11. The Puritan
Ingredients: Value white bread, mild cheddar cheese, Lea & Perrins
Pat says: “In 1840 Queen Victoria was given a 1,000lb wheel of cheese as a wedding present.”
Tastes: Like the crumbs down the side of Koel Puri’s couch.
12. The River Cottage
Ingredients: Caerphilly, Dijon mustard, two slices ham, egg, chopped parsley
Pat says: “Caerphilly is crumbly, slightly acidic and Welsh, so it goes well with beer.”
Tastes: Good after one beer... life changing after six.
13. The Ploughman’s
Ingredients: Cheese, pickle, white bread, apple, celery
Pat says: “Only Cheddar made within four counties of south west England can call itself West Country Farmhouse Cheddar.”
Tastes: Like being a peasant in the Middle Ages, but in a good way.
14. The lactose intolerant
Ingredients: A slice of toast
Pat says: “24% of adults in Delhi are lactose intolerant [lactose is a type of sugar found most notably in milk].”
Tastes: Like being suddenly, traumatically weaned off your mother’s beloved teats.
Five healthy cheeses
Cottage: It’s full of casein protein, which is the kind of protein that helps build muscle. It’s also full of calcium – which’ll make you strong – and low in fat, which is why it tastes so weird. The best stuff: Amul Malai Paneer, Rs 26 for 100 gms.
Swiss: Again, it’s full of protein. And it’s low in sodium, which is good because if you eat too much sodium you can get hypertension (massively high blood pressure). The best stuff: Amul Emmental Cheese, Rs 190 for 400 gms.
Camembert: It’s got 30% less fat than hard cheese, because the way it’s ripened means it has a high water content. Any with ‘AOC’ on the box will mean it’s been made by people who know what they’re doing. The best stuff: Le Rustique, Rs 140.
Goat’s: It has, on average, 40% fewer calories in it than cheese made with cow’s milk. Go goat to stay thin. The best stuff: Britannia, Rs 50.
Parmesan: 40g of this stuff provides more than half of the calcium you’re supposed to have every day of your life, so get grating if you like having strong teeth to chew on your pasta with. The best stuff: Passion Cheese, Rs 255 for 200 gms.
Patricia Michelson is the founder of La Fromagerie. Photography by Ria Osborne.
From the April 2012 issue of FHM India.
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