The 15 Things That Really Make You Fat

You may not realise it, but the world around you is determined to make you chubby. Know your enemy and you’re half way to giving your bulge the boot.

1. Idlis

They may be marketed as (and taste like) a healthy snack that can be scoffed, guilt-free, by the fistful, but idlis are basically ‘fake food’ with next-to-no nutritional content: 350 calories and zero vitamins apiece. Scoffing one (or ten) will do nothing to alleviate your hunger: you’re just upping your calorie intake and making yourself feel all sad. And fat. Dr Sarah Schenker, dietician for Spurs, Chelsea and Norwich hates rice cakes, too. “They’re rubbish, aren’t they?” Yes.

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The solution: Dr Sarah says, “Choose a protein-heavy food instead, because you’ll only need a small amount to make you feel satisfied.” For example: tuna, egg, peanut butter or oatmeal.

2. Your massive crockery

If you’ve got a big plate, you’ll fill it – it’s the ‘Pizza Hut salad bowl’ mentality.

The solution: Nutrition advisor Juliette Kellow says, “Control your portion sizes to suit your own requirements. Smash up any large plates you have. You don’t need them.” You heard her – smash!

3. Your job

Boss being a wazzock? Stress causes your body to release a protein called Ucn3, which triggers a craving for foods that are high in sugar and fat – in other words, comfort foods. Our doc says, “Stress can affect your digestion, and you can start to use food as a comfort. But you don’t comfort-eat vegetables – you comfort-eat things that contain a lot of fat, salt and sugar.”

The solution: Kill your boss. Alternatively, says Dr Schenker, “Take up explosive, stress-busting exercise, such as kickboxing.” Want some kick-ass ideas, then watch the flick Horrible Bosses.

4. Cars

It’s not merely the fact that a car gets you from A to B with little-to-no physical exertion – it’s also that taking your car to the supermarket allows you to buy as much delicious grub as will fit into your boot. People who visit the supermarket without a car will only buy what they can carry (what they really need), and not three crates of Real Juice, just because they were three-for-two.

The solution: Try doing the monthly shopping on your bike for once – not only will you buy less food, you’ll also get some exercise. Plus, if you cycle at a decent speed (15-20kmph), you’ll burn over 200 calories per half hour. Drive 20 kms less per week, lose one kg in four months. Ditch the car, live six years longer.

5. Ekta Kapoor

As the head of Balaji Telefilms, Kapoor was responsible for shows such as Kyonki Saas and Kasauti Zindgi Ki, and was therefore also responsible for keeping your burgeoning buttocks firmly on the sofa. The average Indian now watches over 15 hours of telly a week – that’s much more than the time we spend on the treadmill.

The solution: Watch really funny telly: laughing for 15 minutes a day can burn up to 50 calories. Or work out while you’re on the sofa – a supercharged 10 minute interval training plan that you can do with Sarabhai vs Sarabhai.

6. Cheese

Whether you enjoy it grilled on toast, grated over pasta, or shoved caveman-style into your gaping gob after returning home from the pub, cheese is a (delicious) heart attack waiting to happen. A 50g serving of mature Cheddar contains about 10g of saturated fat – that’s the bad kind of fat that clogs up your arteries and makes you all podgy-jumbo.

The solution: Low-fat cottage cheese contains half the saturated fat but is still high in protein, making you feel fuller for longer.

7. Winter

When it’s chilly out, your natural instinct, as one of God’s hairless mammals, is to build up your reserves of blub – in fact, the average man piles on around two to three extra pounds during winter.

The solution: Avoid hibernating with sitting in front of the heater and blower for hours. Braving the outdoors will get you some mood-enhancing sunlight and keep you trim of tummy.

8. Plastic bottles

Much of what we buy in a supermarket comes in bottles, cans, or plastic wrap that’s lined with BPA, a compound that can enter your bloodstream and disrupt your hormones, resulting in lardiness.

The solution: Buy pouches or boxes; use plastic bottles once before recycling; and avoid microwaving plastic containers.

9. Chips

You know fruit? Well chips are the opposite. They’re essentially little sticks of starch drenched in fat, like bread that’s been buttered on both sides, and then on the crust too. One large box of the buggers contains up to 1,000 calories, not to mention the extra sugar in ketchup, mayo and any other condiments you can get your gin-soaked mitts on. Downing a whole bag of potato chips makes you fat faster than just about anything else, ice cream and soda included.

The solution: Nutrition advisor Juliette Kellow says: “If you’re out, ditch the chips or kebab and have a sub instead. A 6-inch Subway sandwich contains 319 calories and less than 4g of fat; a large calzone has 600 calories and 42g of fat.” That’s a frightening 200% of your daily allowance on its own. And eat chips that are baked not fried – they contain much less fat.

10. The afterwork pint

Distressing but true: a pint of lager contains the same number of calories – 250 of the bastards – as a McDonald’s chickenburger. Plus, necking booze stimulates your appetite: glug too much and you’ll be drawn to a kebab like a moth to a flame. Pesky bloody booze.

The solution: Wine and light beers have the lowest calorie counts. If you are a cocktail fan, don’t go for a chocolate martini (438 calories); try a sour apple martini (148 calories) instead.

11. Late nights

Miss out on quality snoozetime and your body starts to burn off muscle, rather than blubber. So those sleepless nights spent practising free kicks on WWE were actually making you a fat bugger, as well as mentally unhinged.

The solution: Get some decent games on your mobile and play them during poo-breaks at work leaving nights free for slumberin’: research has shown that 7.5 hours is the ideal for staying in shape.

12. The global economic downturn

Let’s face it that the average earnings of Indian households would never increase at the same pace as food prices. It’s harsh but true. At the same time, healthy food tends to be more expensive – hence why junk food sales always rocket in a recession.

The solution: Shop smart: instead of buying white pasta that adds to your waist line, eat brown pasta, cook it in a microwave, and feast on the leftovers for days.

13. Diet drinks

Sugar-free pop can actually be detrimental to your tum. The American Diabetes Association found that diet-soda-drinkers’ waists expanded almost 70% more than non-diet drinkers. Why? Artificial sweeteners actually trigger appetite, and may even inhibit the part of your brain that knows when you’re full – leaving you peckish and insatiable.

The solution: Obviously, switching from sugarless to sugary pop isn’t the answer. Ditch the fizzies and opt for water or butter milk.

14. Jogging

Hoofing round the park is all very well – but in the long run, regular jogging doesn’t burn off much chub. Charlotte Ord, trainer on The Biggest Loser UK, says, “The body is very quick to adapt, so if you’re repeating the same, steady exercise, you’ll hit a plateau where you’re not really making much of a difference.”

The solution: “For real bang-for-your-buck,” says Charlotte, “you want interval and high-intensity training.” It will work for all body types.

15. Not eating at all

You might think cutting out eating would be the ultimate way to lose weight – but you’d be wrong (as well as starving and light-headed). Skipping meals lowers your metabolism, so when you do eat, your body doesn’t burn the calories as efficiently as it should do, and the un-burnt energy gets stored as flabby fat.

The solution: Make sure you eat something every three to four hours. Except when you’re asleep.

Quick ways to lose weight fast

• Get your arse out of bed: Exercising before breakfast forces your body to nuke stored flab for energy.
• Sing your way slim: Research by Brunel University proved that listening to music will make you exercise 15% longer. And the longer you train, the more blubber you’ll burn. Simple.
• Pack your bag: Wherever you go, stuff your satchel with unnecessary tat. A report in the American College of Sports Medicine found carrying a heavy bag increases your daily fat-burning by 30%.
• Ditch the carbs: US fitness guru Tim Ferriss says the best way to shed fat is to ditch fattening white bread, rice, pasta and potatoes.
• Eat grapefruits: The grapefruit is your best buddy for burning stored fat. It reduces your insulin levels that makes your body store fat.
• Hide the bad stuff: A study in the journal Appetite revealed that office workers who had chocolates on their desk ate 5% more food per day than subjects whose chocs were on a shelf metres away. So keep unhealthy food out of nibbling range.
• Drink yourself thinner: When boxer Amir Khan needs to strip fat fast, he drinks like a fish. It’s all water, though, sadly. A German study showed drinking lots of water increases your basal metabolic rate – how quickly you burn fat when you’re not exercising – by 30%.

Words: Dan Masoliver, Joe Madden. Pictures: Bauer Studio. Doodles: Jamie Inglis.

From the April 2012 issue of FHM India.